


Heatwave

by inkyopolis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableist Language, Abusive Parents, Age Difference, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Beach House, Beaches, Collegestuck, Dirty Talk, Hand Jobs, Homophobic Language, Humanstuck, M/M, Marijuana, Oral Sex, Other, Porn With Plot, Rimming, Sexist Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 06:45:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7880590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkyopolis/pseuds/inkyopolis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A summer heatwave causes Kankri Vantas to seek air-conditioned relief at the home of a former (and maybe still kind-of) suitor, Cronus Ampora. It turns out that Cronus's dad is kind of hot. Like, smoking hot. And that's a problem for poor Kankri.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [and kankri vantas never swam at the ampora house ever again](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/224731) by underwatersins. 



> this is a work is now complete. chapters 1 - 4 represent the first "act" of this story. chapters 5 - 7 represent the second act. chapters 8 - 10, the third. 
> 
> this work was inspired by an awesome short comic by [underwatersins.](http://underwatersins.tumblr.com/post/148676536829/and-kankri-vantas-never-swam-at-the-ampora-house)

Kankri Vantas hated summer. Summer meant going home.

He had everything he needed at Rollingbrook University. As a floor RA, he had his own private room _and_  shower. A world-class library was only a five-minute walk away. He had classes, syllabi, studying, and a calendar full of due-dates. And, despite not being what most would describe as a "social-butterfly," he did have a small circle of folks he was on friendly terms with.

Going home meant regress. Sleeping in his old twin bed. Sharing the house's only bathroom with his dad and younger brother. Books he had read dozens of times. Going back was returning to before the world was big.

It also meant no air-conditioning.

His dad, ever eco- and money-conscious, had bought the century old house years ago and had refused to install air-conditioning since day one. Growing up, Kankri begged him to purchase an A/C every summer. But, "It only gets hot two weeks out of the year and you can just turn some fans on," had been the yearly refrain. Thanks to global-warming, those "two weeks" had been more regularly turning into three or four.

He looked down at his watch.

3:36 P.M.

Dad was supposed to have met him at the dorm's loading and unloading zone at three. His eyes drifted down to his suitcase, to his banker's boxes full of books and papers, to his shoes. They felt like they were sticking to the sidewalk.

' _One more year of this, and I'll be done. I'll get a job and a car, live on my own, and visit home whenever I want_.'

He wiped the sweat off his forehead.

A tan station wagon pulled into the turnaround.

"Well hey there stranger."

"Hey dad."

"Looking older and wiser than last time I saw you."

Kankri smiled. "Heh, thanks. Same with you."

"Oh, just older with me I think. Sorry I'm late, got caught up finishing some grading. Here, let me pop the trunk."

The trunk panel gave out a loud _clank_ and flung open.

Kankri grabbed his suitcase and threw it in. Dad stepped out of the car to help with the boxes.

"How did you do this semester?"

"You know grades won't be posted for another few weeks."

"Yeah, but how do you think you did?"

"Oh... I think I did ok."

"Still a 4.0?"

"Well, Pre-Columbian History gave me some problems, but I think I did pretty well with the final paper, so I should be fine."

"Good to hear."

"Watch your fingers." The elder Vantas slammed the trunk lid down. It stuck on the first try.

"How was teaching this semester?" asked Kankri.

The elder Vantas dusted off his hands. "Oh you know, same old, same old. A sea of community-college freshman just trying to get their core-courses done. Some of them even showed up sober."

Kankri chuckled. "Yeah. I had to bust up a few parties this year, so I know what you mean."

The elder Vantas eyed his son. "Hope you didn't give them too hard of a time."

"No, they just needed someone to set them straight on the health issues associated with excessive drinking and the toxicity of binge-drinking culture on college campuses."

"I see," remarked the elder Vantas as he got in the car. Kankri followed suit on the passenger side.

"Hey dad, would it be okay if we rolled up the windows and turned the cool air on for the ride home? I'm sort of sweating through my shirt."

He sighed. "Well, I suppose I did leave you waiting out there for a bit."

The words were barely out of his mouth before Kankri was turning the window crank arm.

\------

The first few weeks had been not entirely unpleasant. Kankri settled into something resembling a routine. A slow jog first thing in the morning while the sun was just barely out, when there was just enough daylight so he could see the uneven spots in the sidewalk, but not enough to get cooked. If he managed not to sleep in too late, he'd usually be back before anyone else was up, which meant enough hot water for the shower. Then, breakfast for him and dad. Toast and a pot of coffee for Dad, toast and a cup of tea for himself. His brother wouldn't get up until 11 and could fix his own breakfast, thank you very much.

He kept meaning to talk to Dad about his seemingly worsening caffeine addiction, but prior attempts had always been met with less than enthusiastic reception.

Mid-morning meant settling down for some reading. It was mostly textbooks he hadn't sold back to the campus bookstore. There were still parts he hadn't gotten to in class. It wasn't enough material to last the whole summer, but it was a start.

Lunch by 1. Some afternoons he'd take a short walk around the neighborhood to stretch. Every crack in the sidewalk below his feet had been memorized. Green trashcans waited to be picked up on Tuesday, blue recycling bins Thursday.

After his walk, he would wander down to the basement. The basement den was the coolest room in the house. Unfortunately, it was the one least conducive to reading. Since Kankri had gone off to college, it had turned into Karkat's stomping ground. It had an old, worn-out sofa, a desk with a computer on it, and the house's only television, a large, cathode-ray tube monstrosity with a gaming console hooked up to it. The smell of mildew and body odor clung to walls.

By this time of day, Karkat would usually be up and playing some sort of game on the TV or computer. Kankri wasn't ever sure what games his brother was actually playing, but all of them seemed to involve a lot of shooting and yelling. Reading downstairs was arduous, but Kankri could usually manage a few sentences between Karkat's battle-cries.

Dinner was around 6 or 7. At first, Dad tried to coordinate “family fun-time” after the meal. This usually involved watching a movie on the TV or playing a board game. However, “family fun-time” quickly devolved as Kankri had no interest in fictional media and board games with Karkat usually involved dice, cards, or game-boards being launched towards the walls.

A month in, temperatures began climbing. Stifling air abound, Kankri found he could barely keep his concentration to read, even under the fan in his room. The basement was simultaneously becoming less of an option. Karkat had now permanently installed himself in front of the gaming console while sitting in his underwear, sweating. The den was developing a pungent bouquet.

Sleeping became unbearable. It was too hot for a sheet, but the mind wouldn't give in to unconsciousness without one. And so, instead, Kankri would toss and turn for hours. Inevitably, he would give in, get the thinnest sheet he had, cover himself, fall asleep for a few hours, and wake up drenched in sweat. He'd throw the sheet off and would repeat the miserable cycle until it was time to get up and start his day.

By the fifth day of peak heat, Kankri wondered if he was actually trapped in a circle of hell in Dante's _Inferno_.

By day eight, even Dad was starting to have misgivings. That night, he suggested they go out to the movies.

\------

Trips to the movies were a rare occurrence in the Vantas household. Kankri wondered if his Dad was trying to offer some kind of penance in the gesture. After all, _he_ went to air-conditioned work while they both stayed at home and got the full sauna experience.

"So what should we go see?" Dad asked over dinner.

"TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2," blasted Karkat.

"Oh, are they still making those?" inquired Dad.

"WELL, THEY ARE REMAKING THEM."

' _That sounds horrendous._ ' Kankri thought. "Well, could we maybe see what's at the art-house?"

"UGH, FUCK NO."

"Karkat, language!"

"RR, DAD NO. JUST, NO. NO BORING STUFF. PLEASE."

' _Boring stuff_.' Kankri rolled his eyes. ' _He doesn't know what he was missing_.'

"Well, I'm amenable to Ninja Turtles if you are Kankri. But I want this to be group consensus."

He didn't have the strength to fight this. The heat had zapped his will to live. "Fine."

Half an hour later, they piled into the car.

\------

A wave of arctic-air blasted out the entrance, hitting them as they approached the glowing mecca. Goose-bumps crawled over Kankri's arms. Karkat ran inside.

Dad looked over at Kankri. "Jeez, they've got that up a little high don't you think?"

"Probably a good way to get people to come inside."

"Yeah, but just think about how much energy they are wasting."

They both stepped in. The Crown's 21 Screen Multiplex was a bastion of activity for a Thursday night. Chattering groups streamed around the neon lobby. They were obviously not the only ones trying to escape the heat.

"1 Adult and 2 Students for the next showing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles please."

"Sorry, student prices are only valid for matinees."

"Oh. I see. Well, how much is it for 3 adults then?"

"$38.50 with tax."

"That's a little high don't you think."

' _Oh dad, don’t._ ' Kankri looked into the corner of the room, not wanting to make eye contact with ticket-clerk.

"You are free to visit another movie theater if you'd like sir."

The elder Vantas pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and drew out two twenty-dollar bills. "No, no. Just, I remember when this used to be a little bit more affordable. I bet you all would really do a ton of business if you lowered your prices a bit."

"Prices are set by corporate sir. Here's your change and your tickets. Enjoy your movie. NEXT!"

They stepped down towards the lobby.

"Well, I suppose we are paying for the electricity," Dad remarked while handing each of them a ticket.

For not having planned this out in any way, the trip had actually worked out reasonably well. The next showing was in only half an hour. Nothing to do now but kill time.

"DAD, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY FOR A SODA?"

"Absolutely not. You know that stuff is no good for you, particularly in the portions they serve here."

"UGH. I'M GOING TO GO HANG OUT IN THE ARCADE. I'LL MEET YOU IN THE THEATER."

Karkat loped off. Kankri and his dad stood in silence.

"So, Kanny.... have you been seeing anyone at school?"

Kankri's stomach dropped. This... this was not what he wanted to talk about right now.

"I wish you wouldn't call me Kanny any more."

"Old habits..." he trailed off.

' _Die hard. Die hard is the end of that saying._ ' Kankri sighed. "No. I haven't been seeing anyone." He paused, then added, "One of my friends tried to set me up, but it... it didn't look like it was going to work out. Could we maybe talk about something else?"

"Sorry, I just... worry sometimes." He paused. Searched. "You given any more thought to what you might do after school?"

' _Two-for-two on the things I don't want to talk about right now list._ ' "Internships won't start being posted until spring."

Another silence.

"Well, if you change your mind on doing an internship, you can always--"

A shout from across the lobby interrupted, "KANKRI VANTAS!"

Both men turned their heads.

A small, black-hair slicked back, greaser-hobbit hybrid strolled up.

' _Oh jeez._ ' 

"Hey man, so good to see you! How's your summer?"

"Oh, you know, going okay. Kinda hot right now."

"Yeah, it's a scrote-scorcher out, that's for sure."

The elder Vantas coughed. Kankri picked up on the cue.

"Oh uh, Cronus, this is my dad. Dad, this is Cronus. I know him from Rollingbrook."

"Ah, another Rollingbrook Fighting Pigeon! Pleased to meet you." Dad stuck out his hand. Cronus took it, shaking with zeal.

"So this is the famous Dr. Vantas you keep telling everyone about!"

' _Keep telling everyone about? I mentioned him once._ '

The elder Vantas cocked his head to one side and looked at his son. "Famous! Well it's nice to hear you're not telling people you’re an orphan."

"Nah, he talks about you all the time, how smart you are and shit."

"Ah, I see. Well, very pleased to meet you Cronus."

"Like-wise." He turned back to Kankri. "So chief, whaddya here to see?"

"Teenage Turtles."

"Oh, TMNT2: Out of the Shadows? Oh man, you are in for a _treat_. It's got some bitchin' fight scenes." He paused, then added, "I wouldn't of thought that would be, uh, something you'd be into."

"My younger brother wanted to see it."

"You never mentioned you had a baby-brother! Me too! Man, what are the odds right?"

"Huh. Yeah... well..." He searched for something to say. ' _What do people say when they make small talk?_ ' he wondered.

Thankfully, Dad chimed in. "So Cronus, what are you here to see?"

"Jurassic Park. Third-time! Chris Pratt's thighs though, totally worth every penny."

The elder Vantas coughed.

"You a'ight there chief?"

Dad raised a hand to signal he was okay.

"Anyways, show's about to start so I gotta get going. It was nice runnin' into ya both. Kankri, gimme a shout if you wanna come over and catch some rays at the pool."

' _Pool?_ ' Kankri thought as he waved. The word ran round in his head. ' _Pool._ '

As Cronus trotted away, the elder Vantas looked at his son with arched-eyebrows. "Well… he seems interesting."

"Yeah, Cronus is..." ' _How to explain Cronus_.' "He's an interesting guy."

"Doesn't really filter does he?"

Kankri laughed. "No. No, he does not."

"Well, it's good to meet some of your friends for once."

"Oh Cronus is..." He started to say, "not a friend" but paused, searching for a more diplomatic way of putting it. "He's um, he's more of an acquaintance."

"I see. Well, seems outgoing."

' _Painfully._ ' "Maybe we should head into the theater and find some seats."

\------

Kankri met Cronus last year at the college's LBGTQAI group. At the fall semester's opening meeting, Cronus had introduced himself as a new student, a "trans-transfer in his fifth-year, but hey who's counting" and as "single and looking to mingle."

Kankri had been coming to the group since freshman year in order to satisfy his burning need for political engagement. There were a few anarco-rad-queers, but most everyone else treated it as a social affair. Kankri quickly sorted Cronus into the latter category. Despite his qualms about the content of the meetings, Kankri recognized that community building was important. And, although he wasn't too quick to admit it, even he found it was nice to socialize every once in a while.

During the meeting where he met Cronus, Kankri had talked to the group about the need for more gender-neutral bathrooms on campus. This was met with thunderous applause from the room. He followed this with a scree about the ways that laws reproduce and reinforce the hegemonic construction of gender and how this figured into different competing theories of justice. When it had gone on for sometime, Cronus shouted "Preach!" to some laughter and claps.

Cronus came up to Kankri after the meeting and suggested they grab coffee. In retrospect, Kankri wasn’t sure why exactly he agreed, but he had.

At the campus café, Kankri proceeded to prattle on, nearly uninterrupted for two hours about the politics of gender-identity and modern society. Finally, throat fatigued, Kankri asked Cronus about himself.

"Oh, I was out west at a school out there, but you know how it goes."

Kankri did not know. "You didn't like it there?"

"Well, not that I didn't like it... it's more like, little too much of a good time, you dig?"

Kankri nodded though he wasn't sure he did.

Cronus didn't volunteer that this was, in fact, the third school of his college career.

"So, while I like sitting in this booth and all, you uh, you wanna come over to my place?"

Kankri nodded. "Oh sure, we don't have to stay here all night."

Cronus lit up. He had almost pranced back to his apartment-style dorm with Kankri in tow.

Seconds after coming through the door, Cronus stood on his tiptoes, wrapped his arms around Kankri's neck, and planted a kiss on Kankri’s lips.

Kankri jumped back. "Whoa whoa whoa. What are you doing?"

Stunned, Cronus asked, "Uh... did you want some mood music or something?"

"Well this just very sudden."

"You said you wanted to come back to my place?"

"Yeah, so we could continue talking here."

Cronus blinked. "You thought I wanted to come back here to talk?"

Kankri gave a confused look.

"Wow. Well." Cronus laughed. "Ok. I think I read this wrong. Maybe... maybe I should take you home chief."

It had taken a moment, but when it clicked, it did so with horror. Blood flushed into Kankri's cheeks. "I, um. Oh. Yes. Maybe we should do that."

Cronus walked Kankri back to his dorm in awkward silence.

At the entrance, they both stood, searching for something to say.

"Um, thanks.. for... walking me home."

"'Course chief. And uh, you know, if you ever wanna come back to my place, offer is open."


	2. Chapter 2

"Amporas," spat the voice on the phone.

"Hi, is Cronus there?"

"Cronus? Uh, sure, hold on one second."

Clanking in the earpiece.

"CRONUS. SOMEBODY CALLING FOR YOU."

"on the house line? who is it?"

"I DON'T KNOW, JUST PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE."

"okay okay, i'm coming!"

Footsteps.

"Yello?"

"Cronus?"

"Speaking."

"Hey this is Kankri."

"Kankri! Wow, hi! Hey man, how you doin? It was good runnin' into you last night. How was the movie?"

"Awful."

"Hah. Sorry chief, didn't think that would be your cup of tea."

"Just, physiologically, turtles would not mutate that way. Plus, the things it was doing with culture appropriation, I just--"

"Yeah man. So, uh, you know I have a cell-phone right?"

"Oh, yeah, I know, but I..." _'Threw away the number you gave me? No, that would certainly be the wrong thing to say.'_   "…lost your number when my cell died a few months ago."

"Cool. So uh, you calling for more hot takes on the summer blockbusters?"

Kankri swallowed. "Well, actually, I was wondering if we could maybe go to the pool."

"Sure, want to come over?"

"Well, it probably would be easier if I just met you there."

"Pool's at my house chief."

Kankri paused. ‘ _Oh._ ’ This complicated things.

Cronus, aware there had been no response for a few seconds, continued, "Hey, look. About the other night. I wasn’t trying to put the moves on you. No pressure. Just hangin' out with another human being would be nice."

"Oh sure, of course, I didn't think..." ' _Yes I did._ ' "That you were trying to put the moves on me."

"Cool. I mean, I'm just dickin' around today so you can head over whenever."

"Okay, I just need to get a lift from my dad when he gets home around 4:30?"

"You don't have your own ride?"

"Not yet. Been saving up, but you know, work-stipend doesn't pay all that much."

"Yeah, I get you." Cronus, in fact, did not.

"So what's your address?"

\------

Kankri wasn't entirely enthused about calling Cronus. The man had been nothing but cordial since the first time they had met, but Kankri still felt some level of discomfort around him. Half of it was remembered embarrassment from the first incident and the outstanding offer that was never rescended, but the other half was a growing annoyance with Cronus's mannerisms. He was unapologetically crude and a serial philanderer. At the same time, Kankri’s home had begun to both feel and smell more and more like the inside of a gym bag with every passing day. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

Kankri greeted his dad within seconds of his arrival home. "Hey, so I think I'm going to take my friend up on his offer of some pool-time. Think you could drive me over?"

The elder Vantas smiled. "Well, sure, I suppose I can do that. Glad you are getting out of the house. Any chance I could talk you into taking your brother with you? He could probably do with fresh-air and exercise."

Kankri thought about it for a second. A third person could help diffuse the situation a bit. But it would probably be pretty rude to bring someone uninvited along.

He shook his head no.

Dad snapped his fingers. "Ah, should of figured. Worth a shot though."

\------

Dad mumbled something about "McMansions" as they drove through the Ampora's neighborhood. There was no denying the houses were ostentatious, certainly much bigger than Kankri was used to. But not everyone had the same aesthetics and tastes as his father. And unlike his father, Kankri could see the appeal of having more than one bathroom in a house.

They pulled into the driveway. Kankri grabbed the tote bag containing his swim gear.

"I'll call when I need a pickup. Thanks dad."

"Sure sure. Have fun."

He got out, walked up and pressed the doorbell.

Two seconds later, Cronus answered the door. He was already in his purple swim-trunks.

"Hey chief, ready to get wet?"

Kankri's eyes widened. "Uh..."

"Hah, the look on your face! Come on in. Pool's perfect."

Kankri swallowed, then turned back and waved to his dad.

The inside of the house looked like it had been copied and pasted from the inside of "Better Homes" magazine-shoot: tile floor, granite counter-tops, shiny silver appliances. Nothing seemed like it could be more than six-months old.

Glorious cool air kissed the back of his neck. Thank Jegus, there was air-conditioning. 

"You can change in Danny's room, he's not here right now. Down the stairs and first door on the right."

"Whose Danny?"

"Oh, that's my brother. He's at Mom's right now. Dad only gets him every other weekend."

"Oh."

The room was far cleaner than Karkat’s. The bed was made. There were no clothes on the floor. There was no overpowering smell. The walls were covered in meticulously arranged Harry Potter posters instead of various unidentified stains. Kankri had a rough idea that Harry Potter was some kind of boy-wizard and he and his friends fought the dreaded Voldemort, but he wasn't really sure what the story was about beyond that. It was all kid stuff.

He shut the door and changed into his swimsuit, the black one with the red-stripes up the sides. It was too big for him, but it hid his body and made him feel more comfortable. He grabbed his towel and went back upstairs.

Cronus was fishing through the fridge. "You want something to drink? We got beer, soda, uh, lets see, there's some juice, water."

"I’ll take some water."

Cronus pulled a bottle of water out for Kankri and a soda for himself. He kicked the fridge door shut. "Alright, this-a-way."

They went back down the stairs, out through the sliding glass door at the end of the hallway. And there it was. Amid a menagerie of lawn-chairs and floaty toys, a large, kidney bean shaped in-ground pool. There was even a diving board at the far end.

Wafts of chlorine tickled Kankri's nose. He was downright giddy.

Cronus put the soda and bottle of water down on a plastic table, and then took off his shirt in one swift motion. In a sudden blur, he was jumping, cannonballing into the pool. Kankri threw his towel over a chair and looked back over to Cronus. A blurry shape moved under the water. Kankri turned around and pulled the shirt off over his head, quickly came over to the stairs, descended up to his waist, lurched forward, and began to swim.

Cronus popped up at the far-end, taking hold of the lip of the pool. "Pretty nice right?"

"It's perfect," called Kankri between strokes. He hadn't quite gotten to Cronus's end yet, but the pool was already deep enough so that he couldn't keep his feet planted. He took a gulp of air and dove down, touching the sandpapery concrete bottom.

\------

Though his arms and legs were starting to feel rubbery, Kankri kept treading from one end of the pool to the other. This was much better than running.

"You're so lucky to have a pool," observed Kankri.

Cronus floated directionless through the pool on a sheet of foam, arms and legs dangling in the pool.

"Pretty nice in the summer, I gotta agree."

"We don't even have air-conditioning at the house."

Cronus sat-up on the floating cushion, water spilling into his lap from the weight shift. "You don't have A/C?"

"Nah. Usually it’s not so bad, but days like today its pretty gross."

"Jegus fuck, why don't you have A/C?"

"My dad thinks it ruins the planet. Plus it's kind of an old place. I think retro-fitting everything would cost a ton of money."

"Yeah, but you could at least get those window units?"

Kankri shrugged. "Dad says it's not worth it for the amount of time we'd actually use it."

Cronus laughed. "That's some bullshit chief. You shoulda said something to me before!"

"Oh it's not that bad." It was.

"Well, you're always welcome to come hang out here if you want."

"Thanks Cronus, that's really nice of you."

Cronus shrugged and grinned sheepishly.

"So is this the house you grew up in?" asked Kankri.

"Naw, I grew up about an hour away from here, out on the coast. You know where Viewport is?"

"Kind of. I don't get out to the coast much."

"Well, out there. My parents split about three years ago. Mom kept the old house. Dad bought a place up here."

"Oh." He paused, then added, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't be. Trust me, it was better for everyone."

Kankri paddled back to where he could stand and keep his head above water. "What's your dad do?"

"Now? Nothing really. Invests I guess. He used to do shipping stuff, worked on boats. Then he owned a Marina for a while, but got bought out a few years ago. It was a big fat paycheck too. You should see the cars in the garage. He's got a '69 Mustang that's, like, his baby. Won't let me even get near it. He's out tear-assing around in it right now."

Kankri wasn't sure exactly what a Mustang looked like, but he imagined some kind of loud racecar. "That seems kind of unfair that he won’t let you drive it."

"Eh, I get it. He gets kind of possessive of stuff. Like, he earned it, so no one else can have it. Besides, he's always been a pretty stand up guy to me. Paid for my top surgery!"

Kankri blinked, somewhat surprised. "Well, that's very supportive of him."

"Yeah, he's been pretty accepting about the whole thing. Plus, I think he thought it would piss Mom off, so that probably helped. What about you, your parents cool with you being a big ol' queerball?"

Kankri made a face. He wasn't sure he felt entirely comfortable with being described as a 'queerball,' even if it was in a friendly way. "Well, Dad's..." He paused. "Dad wants me to be happy." Another long pause. "Mom died when I was young."

"Oh, shit chief, I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago."

"Yeah, but that had to be rough growing up."

Kankri felt the bottom of the pool with the tips of his toes. "I think it was really tough on my brother. He's just really angry all the time."

"Yeah, my brother's kind of the same way since the divorce. Not that I'm sayin' the two things are the same by any means, but like, he's just kind of just a giant piss-baby about everything."

An awkward silence filled the air as they floated around the pool.

A few minutes later, Cronus rolled off the foam sheet and made his way up and over the edge of the pool. He returned in a few moments, a soda in one hand, a lit cigarette in his mouth, and an ashtray in the other hand. He sat down on the edge of the pool and stuck his legs in.

"Oh gross, I didn't know you smoked."

"Oh come on chief, lay-off. It's been a stressful semester. I had to actually pass my classes."

"Isn't that, like, particularly bad for you if...." ' _If you're taking T?_ ' he wanted to say but stopped himself. He didn't want to assume anything. "You um..."

"Yeah, I know I know. My doc gave me the same speech. I'm workin' on it." He said and took another drag. "Been workin' out and shit to try to help me quit."

"Oh yeah? That's great. I run. Let me know if you want to go some time."

Cronus laughed. "Oh shit, I can't fuckin' run. I got these short little legs. But I do lift." Cronus put the cigarette in his mouth and flexed his arms. Around the cigarette, he spat, "Check out these fuckin' guns. Pretty great right?"

Kankri tried to keep a straight face as he nodded.

"Soon I'll be so buff you're gonna swoon all over me."

Kankri dipped his head down into the water so that he wouldn't laugh. He came back up with his composure. "Of course."

"Yeah, I bet I'll be buff like Pops."

"Your dad?"

"Oh yeah, he's swole as hell from all the shipping stuff he used to do. I dunno, climbing up masts and moving shipping containers makes you pretty big I guess. I mean, he's kinda let himself go a little bit since he retired but I've seen pictures of him from back in the day. He musta been drowning in it if you know what I mean."

' _Eww._ ' Kankri thought, contemplating his own Dad ever 'drowning in it.'

Kankri got out of the pool and plodded over to a reclining chair. He sat down, finding the sun beating down almost pleasurable now.

Cronus stubbed out his cigarette, stood up, and wandered over to take a seat next to Kankri.

"So what do you think you're going to do after you graduate?" Kankri asked.

Cronus shrugged. "Well, I've probably got at least another semester after next year, assuming I pass everything."

“That’s like, seven years of school.”

“Yeah, I got screwed on credits when I transferred.” Also, as it turned out, “D”s and “F”s don’t transfer, but he omitted that part.

"Fair enough. Well, uh, if you ever want a study-buddy, let me know."

"A 'study-buddy,' are you for real?"

He gave Cronus an inquisitorial expression. "What?"

"You are too pure for this fuckin' planet chief. BUT, to get back to your original question, I'm not too worried about it. My Dad knows a bunch of guys in finance, so I'm sure he can hook me up with a job. What about you?"

Kankri looked up at the clouds passing overhead. "My Dad wants me to do more school and become a professor."

"No shit, Dr. Vantas, Jr. at your service!"

"Yeah, something like that." Another cloud floating by. "I don't know... I just want to do some good in the world. I was thinking about trying to intern at a non-profit."

"Good on you chief. Hey, you feel like hanging around for dinner? I was just gonna order pizza and probably watch a movie or something."

‘ _Dad probably wouldn't mind a late pickup since he didn't have work in the morning…_ ’ "Sure, that would be great."

\------

' _This... this is pretty nice_ ,' Kankri thought. A pool. Air-conditioning. Pizza. Cronus had even given into Kankri's request for a _vegetarian_ pizza, though not without complaining about it the whole time. Kankri began to feel guilty for his earlier hesitations about coming over.

They sat in a carbohydrate haze on the couch, watching a movie Cronus picked from Netflix. Kankri had requested a documentary but was summarily reminded he had already gotten a vegetarian pizza and was vetoed. The movie, in Kankri's estimation, had so far involved not one, but two bank heists, three extended car chases, a half-dozen gunfights, and a damsel-in-distress needing to have a bomb around her neck diffused. Then, for some reason unbeknownst to Kankri, rescued, the damsel promptly made love with the male cis-het hero. Cronus hooted while it happened.

They were only forty-five minutes in.

When the front door swung open, Kankri glanced up from the couch. In the doorway stood a man in a tight white-t-shirt and black track pants. He had the same jet-black hair as Cronus's, only less delicately arranged. He sported a chin-strap beard and two large scars streaked across his face like lightning bolts.

Cronus hit the pause button on the remote. "Hey Pops! There's pizza on table if you want some."

Kankri swallowed. Cronus was right. He was swole.

"Phew, it's hot as shit out there." ‘Pops’ went straight to the fridge and pulled out a beer. He punched the tab, then noticed the stranger. "This a friend of yours?"

Kankri's stomach tightened.

Cronus looked back. "Oh yeah, sorry, Kankri, this is my Dad. Dad, Kankri."

The man gave Kankri glance over, then a nod. He looked back to Cronus. "When are you gonna bring me home some hot co-eds?"

Cronus laughed, "Aw, come on. I'm workin' on it."

The man took a sip of his beer, came up to the side of the couch and tussled Cronus's hair.

Cronus squirmed. "Eyyyy, I just fixed that up."

"What are you two watching?"

"Speed-Devils 3: The Milan Melee."

"Sounds good."

Kankri starred at the man's arms. ' _How can arms be that big?_ '

The man took another sip of his beer. "What kind of pizza did you get?"

"Ugh, 'Veggie Delight'"

"Jegus fuck, why?"

Cronus nodded his head over towards Kankri. The man turned to look at him. "You a tree-hugger or something?"

His face flushed. "Something like that."

"Well, good news, it's all yours. I'll dig something else out later."

Cronus nodded and hit 'play' on the remote.

Kankri's watched the man as he wandered down the hallway. Watched as he pulled the white-shirt up over his head with one hand. Dozens of small scars crisscrossed his back. The man disappeared into a room. Moments later, the sound of water running through pipes came through the walls.

"So, uh, what happened to him?"

"Oh, the scars? It's from his shipping days. He never really talks about it."

Kankri nodded.

Cronus continued, "Kinda makes him look like a bad-ass. Like, not someone you wanna fuck with right?"

A flash shot through Kankri's head. Soapy water sheering off scarred shoulder blades. Extending his finger to trace each one. He blinked the thought away. "How old is your dad? I mean, he looks like your older brother."

"43."

Kankri did the math in his head. "He had you when he was like, 18?"

"Times were different back then chief! Mom and him were high-school sweethearts. 'Course you can see how well that worked out."

Another gunfight was shaping up. Kankri settled back into the couch, eyes on the television, but no longer paying any attention. He felt hot.

"You ok? You look like your in outer-space." 

Kankri blinked. "Huh? Oh. Yeah, just, swimming wore me out."

"Probably because you need to eat some fuckin' meat."

\------

Despite Kankri waiting with baited breath, the elder Ampora never came back out during the movie.

"So whadya think?"

"Huh? Oh. Uh." Kankri thought for a moment as the credits rolled. "It was... good?"

"You don't have to say you liked it if you didn't."

Kankri sighed. "It was terrible."

"Hah, you have such bad taste!"

"What? Come on! That was in no-way realistic! I mean, there is no way that a car filled with that much gold could have made it over the gap in that bridge! Its just physics! And not to mention how 'convenient' that bridge construction was. And the romance! Ugh! So oppressive! The happily-ever after narrative is something propagated by the movie industry to reinforce heteronormativity!"

“I thought they were both hot."

Kankri rolled his eyes. He looked at the time on the cable-box. 8:34. "I should probably call my dad soon to come pick me up."

Cronus paused. "Do you want to crash here tonight? I mean, don't want it to be weird or nothing, but if you ain't got A/C at home and all..."

Kankri hesitated. The feeling of slight unease came back over him. But this had actually all gone really well. Hadn't he misjudged Cronus? Hadn't it turned out that he was a fairly thoughtful guy? And home... well, home meant sweating through bed sheets. "Would that be okay?"

"Oh sure, you can crash in Danny's room."

Kankri smiled. "That's really sweet of you."

"Sure thing chief."

"Let me call my dad real quick to tell him?" Kankri got up, walked into the kitchen, pulled out his cell and called home.

"HELLO?"

"Hey Karkat, can you tell dad I'm gonna stay here tonight?"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF."

"Just, tell dad would you?"

"FINE."

 _-click_ -

"So, wanna watch another movie?" Cronus asked.

"Eh, I think I could use a break on the movies."

"Sure. Whaddya wanna do instead? I think Danny's got some video games in his room."

"Uh, I'm not good with video games. Say, I'm still pretty full from dinner, you wanna go walk it off?"

Cronus sighed. "Ugh, you're gonna make me move?" He stood up slowly and stretched. "I was just getting comfy."

"We don't have to go."

"No no, you're probably right. Be good to move around a bit. I just gotta get something from my room real quick."

"Sure thing."


	3. Chapter 3

Sweat glistened on Kankri's forehead. It had cooled off, but the air was humid and heavy now. The sidewalk slabs were slick with condensation, making his shoes squeak as they walked.

Cronus looked up at the quarter-full moon. It glowed in the night haze. "I, uh, appreciate you comin' over. I don't really get a whole lotta visitors."

Kankri raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Well, changing schools and all kind of threw things for a loop."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

Silence. Crickets played a summer concerto. 

"I dunno chief, kinda fucked up. I mean, lots of people don't really make the effort to stay in touch if you aren't right in front of 'em."

Kankri nodded. He tried not to look in the windows of the houses, but couldn't help be distracted by the flickering lights of the televisions.

"People around here sure don't seem terribly keen on curtains," remarked Kankri.

"Hah, no. I think everyone likes to show off how good they have it."

Kankri nodded.

"Hey, you smoke?" Cronus asked.

"You know I don't."

"No, I mean like," Cronus put fingers to his lips in the international signal for toking.

Kankri's eyes widened. "Oh. Uh... no. No. I don't do that."

"Do you want to?"

Somewhat horrified, Kankri stammered, "I... think I'm okay."

Cronus shrugged. "Mind if I do?"

Panicked thoughts raced through his head. ' _What if we get caught? What if we get arrested? What will my dad think?_ ' "Like, right now?"

"Yeah, I got a joint in my pack."

"Won't someone notice?"

Cronus gave a self-assured smile and shrugged. "Chief, nobody's gonna give two-shits. We aren't gonna run into anyone out here. Only dweebs take walks." But he could still read the look of concern on Kankri's face. "Ok, look, if you're really worried about it, we can burn a cigarette to cover up the smell." He fished the cigarette pack and lighter out of his shorts.

' _Drugs. I am near drugs. Cronus Ampora is a drug-user._ ' Kankri swallowed. "I... um. I guess it's okay."

Cronus opened up the white and blue box marked "Parliament" and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it, took a drag, and handed it to Kankri. "Here, take this."

Kankri took the cigarette in his hand and held it as far away from him as he could muster.

"Hold it like you're smoking it you poof."

Kankri brought his arm down to the side. He wondered how people were supposed to hold cigarettes.

Cronus took out another cigarette. This one wasn't the same smooth cylinder shape as the one Kankri held. Cronus lit it, inhaled, and held his breath. When he exhaled, Kankri recognized the smell from the dorm.

"Ahhhhh. That hits the spot," Cronus crooned.

Kanrki watched him. He had never seen anyone actually smoking pot before. It looked just like smoking cigarettes. Cronus took another long drag, held it, and let out a stifled cough. A wisp of smoke came out his nose.

"What's it feel like?"

He blew out. "What's that chief?"

"Smoking... you know."

"Oh, it kind of burns a little coming in and you have to hold it in."

"No, I mean, what's it feel like?"

"Oh, being high? Ah, it's... kinda hard to explain. It makes you feel..." he paused. "Like a slinky going down the stairs." He took a deep breath. "Oh man. Uh. Like, there's also kind of this visual lag thing. Everything just feels reallllll nice." He took another drag.

The corners of Cronus's mouth curled up, Cheshire-like. Kankri couldn't help but smile a little bit as well.

Cronus exhaled up towards the night sky. "It's so pretty."

Kankri looked up. He spotted a little blue blinking dot slowly making its way across the horizon. Cronus was right. It was rather pretty.

"Whew... ok. I'm a little stoned."

"Yeah?"

"Hahaha, uyup!" Cronus cackled. He flicked the barest bit of the joint left to the ground, then stepped on it.

Kankri put his finger over his lips, miming the librarians shush. Embarrassed, Cronus put his hands up defensively. Then he spotted the cigarette.

"Oh shit, I forgot about that lil' fucker." He motioned Kankri to give the cigarette back, which Kankri did, grateful to be relieved of it. He wanted to wash his hands.

Cronus whispered, "You're the best!" and took a deep drag. He blew out the smoke in an exaggerated motion, as if cleansing the air around him. Suddenly, he turned and gave Kankri a deadly serious look.

"I’m a wizard Kankri!"

Kankri looked at Cronus, confused while Cronus giggled in hysterics.

\------

Back at the house, Cronus had insisted that they go in through the door at the back of the house, citing avoiding interacting with his father while blazed. So the pair snuck around the side of the house. Kankri's stomach lurched, worried that a neighbor would spot them and call the cops. But they saw no one and no one saw them.

Back inside, they made a B-line for Cronus's room.

It was, in Kankri's considered opinion, a complete pigpen. And he lived with someone who seemed to have a problem remembering to bathe. Clothes and magazines were splayed out along the floor. Dirty dishes adorned nearly all available empty dresser space. Kankri had to carefully plan each footfall in order to avoid stepping on debris.

Cronus just walked right over everything.

Facing opposite the bed was a large flat-screen television. Not as big as the one they had been watching earlier upstairs, but one that was still bigger than the television at Kankri’s house.

Cronus hit the remote and flicked it on. "Whaddya want to watch?"

Kankri shrugged, "I dunno. How about..."

"I KNOW!" Cronus giggled excitedly. "A DOCUMENTARY!"

Kankri raised an eyebrow, unsure if he was being made fun of. "A documentary would be nice."

"ONE ABOUT THE SEA!"

"Okayyy."

"Yessssssss. Oh chief, you're the best."

Kanrki was a bit surprised; Cronus had so quickly rejected the prospect of a documentary before. Cronus pulled up Netflix and found David Attenborough's "The Blue Planet."

"Isn't this for kids?"

"SHHshshsSHShshshhhhhhhhhhhh your mouth." Cronus settled on the bed, eyes transfixed on the television. "I wanna watch some fishies."

Kankri looked around the room for a place to sit. "Do you have a chair or something?"

Cronus turned his beet-red eyes towards Kankri. "You can just sit here." He padded the bed. "Promise I'm not gonna be weird. Scouts honor." He held up his hand and made the Star Trek live-long and prosper sign.

Kankri bit the inside of his lip. It wasn't that he didn't trust Cronus, it was more that he wondered when the last time was that the sheets had been changed. There were some rather dubious looking stains.

"Oh! oH! Before you do. Could you do me a biiiig favor?"

"Uh---huh?"

"Could yoouuuuu snag me a few slices of pizza pleeeeease?"

"How can you be hungry?"

Cronus giggled and rolled back and forth on the bed.

Kankri sighed. "Anything else?"

Cronus sang in a sing-song voice, "No thank youuuuu." He added, "You want me to pause it?"

Kankri rolled his eyes. "No, I think I can catch up."

\------

Green and blue lights flickered on the walls of the stairwell. Kankri heard voices upstairs from the television. As he emerged into the liminal space between the kitchen and the living room, he noticed a figure sitting on the couch; a large figure, outlined in the glow of the television. Some kind of fishing sports show was on. Men in sunglasses were hauling up a blue Marlin the size of a person.

A gravely voice came from the figure. "Lookin' for something?"

"Oh, uh, just grabbing some more pizza."

"Stuck it in the fridge."

"Thanks."

No response. Ice-clinked together as the figure took a sip from a glass.

Kankri routed through the cabinets and found a plate. He retrieved a large Ziploc bag containing the pizza slices from the fridge, stuck two on the plate, and put it in the microwave. He punched in a minute and a half and turned back around to watch the TV.

"Kankor was it?" the voice asked.

"Kankri."

"Ah."

Kankri wasn't quite sure what to say, but felt like he should make some kind of conversation. "Cronus told me you used to work on ships?"

The figure shifted and stood up. He walked towards Kankri with glass in hand, slowly spinning the ice around in the drink. "Long time ago."

As the figure got closer, Kankri realized the elder Ampora was wearing a dark silk bathrobe tied at the waist. And… that appeared to be all he was wearing.

Kankri's hand quaked.

The man glowed, TV light giving his skin a strange blue tint. Small curly dark-spots Kankri identified as hairs danced in the shadows on his chest. He was coming straight towards Kankri. Kankri's pulse quickened. Dualscar was suddenly hovering uncomfortably close, inches away. He could smell alcohol on the man. Dualscar's arm shot out and reached to Kankri's side. His heart skipped a beat.

Dualscar opened a cabinet next to Kankri’s head, took out a bottle, and set it down on the counter.

He looked down, locking eyes with Kankri. A glistening tongue darted out from between pink lips, ran across them. His mouth parted.

"Tell Cronus to stay the hell out of my whisky."

He refilled his drink.

 _-BEEP!- -BEEP!-_  chirped the microwave.

Dualscar turned around, replenished drink in hand, and strode back over to the couch.

 _-BEEP!- -BEEP!-_ the microwave helpfully chirped again.

"Pizza's done," said the gravely voice.

Kankri took in a breath. ‘ _Did that just happen_?’

_-BEEP!- -BEEP!-_

Kankri turned around, grabbed the plate from the microwave, and returned back downstairs, eyes glued to the floor.

\------

Cronus didn't look up when Kankri came back into the room. He starred slack-jawed at the television screen.

A voice narrated: "The twilight zone is a weird world of gloom, where many animals have become completely transparent. In this twilight, an animal must see, but most impossible, avoid being seen."

Cronus whispered, "Oh no, we're at a scary part."

"Hey."

Cronus jumped. "Oh - _phew_ \- oh hey. Ohhhhh is that pizza?" He reached over and took the plate from Kankri. "Fuuuuuck yes."

Kankri sat down on the foot of the bed. "Your dad said to stay out of his whisky."

Cronus rolled his eyes. He mumbled through mouthfuls, "I don't touch his whisky. He drinks more than he remembers."

"That doesn't seem healthy."

Cronus shrugged. "Not like he does it during the day. Just at night."

Kankri nodded, deciding to drop the subject.

Cronus settled back against the pillows, second slice of pizza already in his hand, his mouth stuffed. "Onf my goff, this is the _beff_."

\------

When Netflix asked, "Do you want to continue watching Blue Planet?" Kankri had turned back to ask Cronus if they might switch to something else.

Cronus was passed out face first down into his pillow, drooling. Kankri sighed and stood up carefully. He tiptoed to the television, found the power button, and flicked it off. He turned back to the bed and looked at Cronus, sprawled awkwardly on his side, cradling the empty plate. A strange sense came over Kankri. Looking at him like this, he seemed almost cute. Kankri came over and took the plate out of his grasp. He pulled the bed sheet up and draped it over Cronus. He tiptoed back to the door, flicked the light off, and closed the door gently behind him.

Looking up the stairway, Kankri saw radiant colors were still dancing at the top. A chill ran down his spine. His palms felt sweaty.

He took a deep breath and climbed.

\------

From the corner of his eye, Kankri saw the figure on the couch was still there. Fishing was no longer playing. Now it seemed to be some kind of spy movie. James Bond or Jason Bourne or Austen Powers. He wasn’t sure which. Kankri walked over and put the dish in the sink. He got a glass down from cabinet and poured himself some water from the faucet.

"Hey."

His pulse accelerated. "... yes?"

"Come over here a second."

His mind emptied. He auto-piloted over to the couch. As he came around the side, Kankri noticed the man's exposed legs. The mass of his thighs. The bathrobe, just a few inches higher, might reveal... His flicked his eyes quickly to Dualscar's marred face.

Dualscar looked at Kankri through glassy, half-open eyes. His head listed side-to-side, ever so slightly. He exhaled. "I appreciate... you... coming to spend time with my son."

Kankri nodded. Words. Where were his words? "S-sure thing."

"Cronus... has his mother's social graces."

"I, uh, I see."

Dualscar took a sip from his rock glass and swirled the ice around. "You seem... nice."

"...thank you."

Dualscar adjusted himself on the couch. "Please... help yourself to anything you want while you’re here."

Kankri nodded quickly. "Thank you. That's, uh, very generous of you."

Dualscar cleared his throat. "Yes, I know..." His hands went to the bathrobe’s waistband, slowly untying the knot. The thin cloth parted, revealing a veined semi-erect cock the size of a Coke-can. 

Kankri's toes curled. Silence.

"It's alright. There's no need to play coy. I've seen the way you've been watching me. This can stay just between you and me."

The feel of carpet against his knees. Fingers running through soft curls. His lips, stretching.

 


	4. Chapter 4

A knock came from the door. Kankri's eyes felt glued shut. He rubbed the crust from them and realized he was in an unfamiliar room and an unfamiliar bed. He looked around.

He was surrounded by Harry Potter posters.

"Yo Kankri, you up chief?"

Kankri moaned. "Huh?"

"You want any breakfast? I'm making pop-tarts."

His stomach grumbled. "You have any fruit?"

"They're strawberry pop-tarts."

Kankri groaned. "Real fruit?"

"I think there's some blueberries in the freezer maybe? You want me to take 'em out if I find 'em?"

Kankri pushed himself up to sitting and blinked. Short films of last night spun in his head. Walking around outside with Cronus while he got high. Pulling the blanket up over Cronus after he had passed out while they watched TV. Putting the dish in the sink. ‘ _Oh god._ ’ Suddenly, he was wide-awake.

"Yo, chief, you there? You aren't jackin' it are you?"

"No, sorry, just a bit..." The recollection of a firm hand holding the back of his head shot through him. "...groggy."

"Totally what someone who was jackin' it would say."

"I'M NOT 'JACKIN IT'" The loudness of his voice surprised him.

"Okay, okay. I'm just fuckin' with you chief. I'll dig the berries out for you. Come upstairs whenever you're up."

Footsteps.

He looked around, found his clothes on the floor and began to dress. More flashes. His jaw aching. The clink of the ice being spun in the whisky glass.The taste of salt in the back of his throat. Wincing as he swallowed. ‘ _God, there had been so much._ ’ His shorts being undone, falling. A hand taking a hold of him, working him. White-hot stars shooting in his vision. Incandescent light from the TV glimmering off the fluid sliding down the figure's scarred chest.

He breathed slowly, deliberately, through his mouth.

' _Inhale, hold it. Exhale. Focus on the breath. Inhale, hold it. Exhale What does it feel like to breathe? To be here. In this body. Inhale, hold it. Exhale._ ' He repeated this mantra as he faced the door. He turned the handle and went up the stairs.

\------

Cronus stood in the kitchen, eating the pastries over the sink.

"Well hey there sleepy-head. Thought you were going to be out until the afternoon."

Kankri looked around at saw it was nearly 11 AM. He had massively over-slept. "Uh yeah." He looked around the room. "Is, uh, is your dad home?"

"Pops? Nah, he's at the gym. Probably won't be back til' the afternoon. Why? You need something?"

"No, no. I, um." ' _Why would he possibly need Cronus's dad?_ ' "I just need to figure out getting home."

"Oh I can give you a lift. Won't be in the Mustang, but I got my own little ride."

Kankri nodded. "It's just, I need to get some work done today."

Cronus rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you're gonna study on Saturday in the summer. That's fuckin' unhealthy."

Kankri spotted a bag sitting in a puddle on the counter. Through the melting frost, Kankri could read "Blueberries."

"That for me?"

"Yup," responded Cronus, shoving the rest of the pastry into his mouth.

' _How appetizing_ ,' he thought.

\------

At home, Kankri tried to push what had happened out of his mind. Thankfully, having to interact with his family again kept him distracted enough. But snippets played back to him in the wee hours of the morning. The moments when he’d woken up sweat-soaked under the bed sheet. Moments when he couldn't fall asleep and decided to try to induce it through manual relief.

The heat-broke three days later to the collective relief of the Vantas household. But Kankri knew it was only a temporary reprieve. Mid-July was cruel. But the cool-spell did last long enough for him to get back into his regular schedule of running in the mornings, studying until the late afternoon, and dreading whether or not his father was going to try to organize 'family fun time.' 

A week later, his cellphone rang. No name came up on the screen.

"This is Kankri Vantas."

"Hey Kankri, it's Cronus, how's it going chief?"

"Oh, I'm doing okay. How about you?"

"Good. Good. Say, we're all gonna be going to be the beach-house for a few days next week. Danny's bringing along some shit-heel friend of his, and Pops told me I was welcome to invite you too. I know it's late-notice, but any interest in coming along?"

Flashes.

"Yes. Yes that would be nice."


	5. Chapter 5

Green and blue stretches drifted lazy on the horizon. The planet so far below seemed gentle and friendly, the air up here cool. How nice it felt on outstretched arms. How nice it felt to glide and soar.

Kankri dipped to the left and felt drag as he began to turn. The land spun.

There. There it was. A thin sliver of gold marking the coast, the royal blue water running alongside. He flapped, knowing where to head.

The air thickened, made it harder to breathe. ‘ _Fog._ ’ He angled down and accelerated into a dive.

Too quick.

Freefall. _‘No no no no no_.’

He angled his arms up, flapped. The world was spinning out of control. An inhuman cacophony of noise roared in his ears. Wind ripped his body, shearing his clothes off.

_‘FUCK! FUCK!’_

He braced, wrapping arms around his head.

_Impact._

He bolted upright in bed, gasping for air, adrenaline coursing through him. Digging hands into the bedsheet, he held desperately onto the world.

He blinked. ‘ _Not falling_.’

He looked up at the fan, spinning on high, and peeled the sweat soaked sheet off his naked body.     

\------

Kankri wandered into the kitchen at quarter past nine. The elder Vantas stood at the counter with a cup of coffee, looking over the morning paper.

“Looking a little rough this morning Kanny.”

He groaned and squinted. “Didn’t sleep too great.”

“Gathered that much. Missed your run. You feeling ok?”

Pawing through the pantry, he mumbled something non-committal.

“You know it’s okay to cancel this trip of yours if you aren’t feeling well. I’m sure your friend will understand.”

Kankri took out a packet of chamomile tea. “It’s just the heat. Gave me some bad dreams.”

Dad looked back down at the newspaper and sighed. “You know, I’m starting to think that maybe this is the year.”

Kankri looked up from fiddling with the electric kettle. “What’s that?”

“Well... I’ve been putting away a little money. Maybe it really is time to cave-in. You know, they’ve been advertising some very energy-efficient new models. Some that only use one-kilowatt per hour now.”

Kankri’s eyes widened. ‘ _Am I still asleep?_ ’ “You mean an air-conditioner?”

“Well, not central air, but maybe one of those small window units.”

“That would be... that would be amazing.”

His dad continued, “Of course, we would only run it a few hours a day.”

“Of course.” 

“And at a reasonable temperature.”

Kankri nodded in vehement agreement.

“And, I probably should look into some more solar panels to help off-set the cost.”

“You’re not... doing it because of me are you?”

The elder Vantas waved his hand. “No no. Karkat’s.... I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but you brother has been developing somewhat of a... bouquet this year.” He took a sip of his coffee.

‘ _That is an understatement,_ ’ he thought. “No, hadn’t really noticed.”

“Well, I have. And it’s getting to be a bit much frankly.”

 In all his years, Kankri had never considered just not bathing as a way of prodding his Dad into buying air-conditioning. Obviously, he was not the family’s true master-strategist.

 “Anyways, something I’ll look into a bit more while you are gone for the long weekend.”

 Kankri poured the boiling water into his mug, day-dreaming about the glory to be had upon his return.

 -----

 An hour and a half later than expected, a series of car horn blasts permeated the house. Kankri grabbed his gym-bag serving in place of suitcase, said goodbye to his dad, and strode out the door.

 Outside, Cronus sat solo in the cockpit of the black Dodge Challenger.

 “Where’s your dad?”

 “Took off this morning. Should probably be down there by now.”

 “He didn’t want to carpool?”

 Cronus sighed. “Well someone’s gotta go pick up Danny and his little friend, and it sure as shit wasn’t gonna be him.”

 “Oh?” asked Kankri as he got into the car.

 “He and Mom ain’t exactly on what you might call ‘speaking terms.’“

 “Oh.”

 “Yeah. Now Kankri, I got a very important job for you. You up to the task?”

 Kankri raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t even gotten fully into the car yet and already he was being put upon. “Uh, maybe. What is it?”

 Cronus gave Kankri a piercing stare. “This is serious chief.”

 “Well tell me what it is.”

 “I need you as my second in command.”

 Kankri tilted his head to the side. “What?”

 “As my second in command, your duties are as follows: First and foremost, you are the point person on watch. You see any po-po, you let me know ASAP.”

 “Po-po?”

 “Police. Last thing I need right now is another speeding ticket. Number two. You are in charge of the tunes at all times.”

 “Uh, okay. How do I do that?”

 A mirror-black iPhone appeared in front of his eyes, the wire coming from it going into the car’s ancient tape player. “I made some mixes specific for this trip, but if you aren’t feelin’ em, you can always improvise.”

 Kankri nodded. “Think I can do that.”

 “Lastly, I need you to run interference if Danny starts acting like a little brat. I can’t handle that shit.”

 Kankri frowned. Annoying younger siblings were not his forte either.

 “Alright. Raise your right hand and repeat after me.”

 Kankri rolled his eyes.

 “I’m serious chief, running second-in-command is a position of honor and respect. Are you up to the task, or are you gonna be a back-seat bitch?”

 He crossed his arms, annoyed. “I don’t know why you have to bring the patriarchy into this.”

 “Just, are you gonna be cool or not?”

 “Yes yes, jeez, I’ll be cool.”

 “Okay, repeat after me: ‘I, Kankri Vantas.’”

 “Ugh, do we have to do this.” Kankri muttered, annoyed, but in a tone of voice that simultaneously said, ‘ _I might willing to play along._ ’

 Cronus pouted and gave his best doe-eyed look. “Aww, come on chief.”

 He groaned. “… I, Kankri Vantas.”

 “Do swear my allegiance to the U.S.S. Sausage Wagon.”

  “Oh god, that’s awful.”

 “Talking back to your commanding officer already?”

 “Okay okay. I do hearby swear my allegiance to the U.S.S. Sausage Wagon.”

 “To uphold the duties of being first officer.”

 “To uphold the duties of being first officer.”

 “And to respect and follow my commander, Cronus Ampora, who is both way handsomer than I and also awesome.”

 Kankri stifled a laugh.

 “Gotta say it for the oath to be official chief.”

 “And to respect and follow my commander, Cronus Ampora, who is both way handsomer than I and also awesome.”

 “See, now that wasn’t so hard was it? Alright let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

 The car’s tires squealed with furious anger as Cronus mashed the gas pedal into floor. Kankri flew back into the seat.

 ------

 “Hey.”

Kankri turned his head away from the never-ending parade of guard-rail on the side of the interstate. “Want me to change the song?” They were already almost halfway through Cronus’s first roadtrip mix, mostly songs from the 1950’s and 1960’s that Kankri half-recognized. It had a nice twee charm.

 “No. I, uh.” He paused. “We’re getting pretty close to my Mom’s.”

 “Oh, okay.”

 “I should probably let you know… um, she and I don’t always see eye to eye on things.”

 “Umm. Okay?”

 “... I kind of… choose to go with Dad in the divorce, and Danny really wanted to stay with Mom, so... yeah.”

 Silence.

 “Do you want me to stay in the car?” Kankri asked.

 “Oh, no, nothing like that. Just. If you get any weird vibes, that’s all.”

 Kankri nodded. It suddenly struck him that both he and Cronus’s Mom had most likely had their mouths on the same sexual organ. He blinked and pushed the thought away.

 ------

 Cronus sighed and knocked on the front door of long, asymmetrical, wood-paneled rambler. A man of surprisingly similar stature to Dualscar answered.

 “Hey Ruf. Danny ready to go?” asked Cronus.

 The man ran a hand through spiky black hair. “Oh, hey C. Everyone’s eating lunch right now. Probably gonna be a few minutes. You want to come inside?”

 Cronus turned to Kankri and made a face. “You want to go in?”

 He shrugged, picking up _something_ radiating from Cronus, but was unsure what it was or how he was supposed to respond. “Um, sure, I guess. Might be good to stretch out our legs.”

 Cronus turned back to the man and shrugged.

 “Come on in.”

 Wooden floor boards creaked as the trio walked down the front entranceway. The runner rug was worn and threadbare in spots. Noticing the pictures up on the walls, Kankri realized Dualscar didn’t have any up on the walls.

 They went around a corner and three heads looked up from the kitchen table.

 A slender woman in jeans and tight black spaghetti string tank-top turned from her salad. “You could have at least showed up on time.”

Kankri realized right away which of the two teenagers at the table was Danny. The one in the thick, black rimmed Clark Kent glasses. It was the hair that gave it away. All the Ampora men seemed to keep meticulous care of their hair. Next to him sat a taller, chunkier long-haired teenager with an acne pocked face and some kind of tinted glasses that looked like they had seen better days.

Cronus put up his hands defensively. “Sorry, got a late start.” He looked over at Danny. “Hey boss. You and your pal ready to hit the road?”

 Danny fidgeted in his chair. “We’re kind of eating right now. Do you think you could wait a little?”

 Cronus looked down at the sandwich on his plate. It looked like it hadn’t even been touched. He looked over at his friend’s plate, which contained only crumbs. “Are you actually eating?”

 Danny made a sour face. “Yes, I’m enjoying my sandwich, _thank you very much_.”

 The older man who escorted them into the room cut in, “Are you going to introduce us to your friend here?”

 Cronus looked back to Kankri. “Kankri, this is Mom, Danny, you already met Rufus, and...” he turned to Danny’s friend. “Um.” He paused. “Little help?”

 “Equius!” crater-face eagerly chimed.

 “Equius,” Cronus repeated.

 Kankri nodded. “Pleased to meet you all.”

 Silence.

 Kankri ran his hand through his hair. “It’s such a… lovely place you all have here.”

 Cronus’s mother gave him a chilly stare. “Yes, well.”

 Rufus cleared his throat. “Can I get you guys something to drink? Something to eat?”

 Without looking to Kankri, Cronus waved his hand, “Naw, I think we’re good. Got another two hours on road after this so just wanted to get going.”

 Rufus nodded and returned to his seat. “Well, if you change your mind, feel free to help yourself.”

 “Just like your dad,” mumbled Cronus’s mom, before taking a bite of leafy greens from her fork.

 Cronus’s eyes narrowed. “Pardon?”

 Rufus cleared his throat. “Marie, that’s not really needed.”

 She swallowed, savored the moment, and then pierced more salad with her fork. “Show up late, expect everyone to drop everything and be ready just for you.”

 “You know, I really don’t appreciate this shit.”

 “Yeah, well neither do I, Christie.”

 High-voltage tension emanated from Cronus’s body. “What the _FUCK_ did you just call me?”

 Rufus dropped his fork. “Guys, come on.”

 “Christie.” She repeated, voice calm.

 Cronus barred his teeth. “ _THAT_ is _NOT_ my _NAME_.”

 “Well I gave birth to you and so I’m going to call you whatever I damn well please,” she continued in a manner of fact tone.

 Kankri spotted Cronus’s clenched fists and put a hand on Cronus’s shoulder, “Hey, um, let’s go wait in the car.”

 Sucking air through his teeth, Cronus turned and stomped down the hallway. 

 Kankri turned to look at the table. All sat in silence as Marie put another fork full of greens into her mouth.

 ------

 Kankri didn’t see Cronus right away on exit. The car was still here, but he worried that Cronus may have literally ran off. Then he spotted a cloud of grey smoke coming from the other side of the car.

 When he came around, he found Cronus sitting, back against the wheel, a cigarette between his lips. He was shaking.

 “Jegus, I’m sorry. That was messed up,” Kankri sputtered.

 Cronus looked up and Kankri felt his heart sink. His cheeks glistened with tears. He had his Dad’s thin lips. Cronus wiped the snot from his nose on his shirt’s shoulder. “Fucking _bitch_ man! I’m telling you.” He sniffed and took another drag on his cigarette.

 Kankri thought about talking with Cronus again about his pejorative use of the word ‘bitch,’ reminding him about how it enforces the patriarchy and its construction of toxic gender-roles, but decided that he would perhaps save that for another, less emotionally enflamed moment. He sat down next to Cronus and looked into the man’s bloodshot eyes. “It is completely valid to feel hurt by that. You are a kind person who deserves dignity and respect.”

 “Yeah, I know. I know I shouldn’t let shit like that bother me, but it still does, you know?”

 Kankri nodded. He thought about telling Cronus about how his own Dad still called him the nickname that his mother used to call him by, but thought better of it. ‘ _Neither the time nor place. And to be a good friend means not comparing life-experiences in a game of one-upmanship,_ ’ he told himself. “It’s okay if it bothers you. You have every right to be bothered. I affirm your botheredness!”

 Cronus chortled and wiped his nose again. “Thanks chief.”

 Kankri nodded and reached a tentative around Cronus’s shoulder, being sure not to accidentally put his hand is snot, instead resting it awkwardly. “Of course. You’re… you’re a good person Cronus.”

 Cronus smiled and rubbed his cheek against Kankri’s arm.

 They sat wordlessly. Kankri looked down the driveway and watched a car passing by on the road out front.

 Cronus stubbed out his cigarette and asked, “Wanna listen to some music while we wait?”

 Kankri nodded.

 He pulled out his phone, found his trip mixes, and hit 'play' on a song. A harmony by The Ronettes crooned through the speaker:

_~~The night we met I knew I… needed you so~~_

_~~And if I had the chance I’d never let you go~~_

_~~So won’t you say you love me~~_

_~~I’ll make you so proud of me~~_

_~~We’ll make ‘em turn their heads every place we go~~_

 ------

 The car ride down was steeped in eerie silence. The exchange in the kitchen had put everyone on edge. Kankri wasn’t sure what to do—if there was anything he _could_ do—to try to alleviate the weirdness. But rather than try, he let the situation be.

 Green rolling hills gave way to sandy dunes. Two hours later, they arrived.

 Danny tore off running into the house the minute the car was parked. Equius followed seconds later, calling after him, “Hey wait!” while cradling both his and Danny’s luggage under his arms.

 Cronus sat still.

 Kankri looked over. “You going to be okay?”

 “Yeah. I’ll be okay. It was my own fault for going inside. I should have guessed she would pull some passive-aggressive bullshit like that.”

 Kankri pointed a finger at Cronus. “It is _NOT_ your fault that happened.”

 Cronus smiled. “I know chief, I know. But we shouldda just stayed in the car.” He paused, a long second. “Come on, let’s go inside and get settled.”

 As Kankri stepped out, he heard the sound of waves crashing.

 ------

 The two-story bungalow felt more familiar to Kankri than he had expected. It was smaller than both the Ampora houses, closer to the size of his. Everything had the light crème color reflecting paint tones picked out in the 1980’s and not tinkered with since. Pastel paintings of beach scenes adorned the walls.

 “You guys come here every year?” Kankri asked as they walked up the stairs.

 “Most years. We started when we were little, but took a break during the divorce. Then Dad started to get everyone doing it again. 'Cept Mom of course” He added in a quieter tone. “Think it makes him feel like, you know, we’re still a family.”

 Kankri scanned over the second floor as they ascended to the top of the landing. Ahead, a large rectangular TV room, to the left, a hallway, and to the right, kitchen, complete with one Dualscar Ampora snacking on an apple.

 A fleeting glance passed between Kankri and Dualscar as the older man sunk his teeth into the fruit’s flesh. Kankri looked away.

 “Hey Pops!”

  He smiled, eyes going over to Cronus. “How was the drive down?”

 “Oh it was fine. Danny and his friend hardly said a peep. Just played with their phones the whole time.”

 Kankri noticed that Cronus omitted the ‘ _incident_ ’ from his description.

 Dualscar nodded. “Wish we had those when you were growing up. What a pain in the ass you were.”

 “Aw, come on man!”

 “I’m serious. Getting you that CD player for your seventh birthday was the smartest thing I ever did. Kept you quiet on every car ride after.”

 “So what’s the room situation?” asked Cronus.

 “I’m up here in the master. Danny and his friend ran in and already laid claim to two of the three upstairs. You can try to boot ‘em out if you want those, but I don’t want a fracas.”

 Cronus turned to Kankri. “You have a preference about being upstairs or downstairs?”

 “Does it make a difference?”

 Cronus shrugged. “Upstairs rooms all have a nice view of the ocean. Downstairs you’ve got dunes, but you do have your own bathroom.”

 Kankri cleared his throat. Unconsciously, his eyes wandered over to Dualscar. He thought he caught some fleeting movement in his face, a glance back towards the stairs. Kankri looked back to Cronus, hoping he hadn’t noticed. “I’m okay with the downstairs.”

 Dualscar took another bite of his apple.

 “You sure that’s okay? I mean, I like the view and all, but you’re the guest here.”

 “Yeah, it’s no problem.”

 Dualscar tossed the core into the garbage. “Danny and Equius said they were going to change and head down to the beach. Why don’t you both join them and I’ll catch up in a bit.”

 ------

 Baking sand squished under Kankri’s toes. He crab-danced down the beach, trying to keep his soles from burning. He finally made it down to the spot where someone, presumably Danny and company, had thrown towels down already. He jumped onto one for sweet relief. The flip-flopped Cronus strolled casually behind him.

 Kankri threw down his towel and shimmied out of his shirt. Looking toward the ocean as he disrobed, he spotted two figures playing in the surf. “Did they just run out in their clothes?”

 Cronus laughed. “Most likely. You wanna get in, or did you want to just catch some rays?”

 Kankri turned to Cronus. “Please don’t tell me you’re tanning. The incident-rate of cancer as a direct result of sun-bathing as astronomical.”

 Cronus rolled his eyes. “Jeez, way to bring the party down.”

 “I’m just saying.” 

 “I’m using sunblock alright. Just lookin’ for a little healthy glow is all, you know, just to accentuate the ol’ Ampora features a bit. Speaking of which, you need some?”

 “Ampora features?”

 “No, sunblock you doofus.”

 “Already got it on.”

 “Even your back?”

 ‘ _Busted_.’ Kankri had good mobility, but even he couldn’t get everywhere. “Um.”

  “Hey, I can do it, no worries.”

 “Um, sure, thanks.” Kankri turned around, looking toward the house.

 The inelegant sound of lotion squirting out a squeeze bottle filled his ears. Then, a wet _smack_ as Cronus slapped his back and began to rub the grease in.

 “Hey, easy now.”

 “Oh, sorry, forgot you are a delicate flower.”

 “I am not a delicate flower!”

 “My ass you aren’t.”

 Kankri looked down the beach as Cronus slathered his back. He could only see a few other figures far off in the distance. “Wow, you almost have this whole ocean-front to yourself.”

 “Yeah, Pops likes to think he owns his own private island.” Cronus’s began kneading Kankri’s shoulders. “You’re tense chief.”

 Surprise mixed with embarrassment. His shoulders had gotten stiff from not moving much in the car. ‘ _Is… is he coming on to me?_ ’ Kankri began to wonder. It… it did feel good, but probably best not to give Cronus the wrong impression. He leaned forward to snake away, but was given another wet _smack_ on the back instead.

“Alright, you are good to go my man.”

 “Heh. Thanks.”

 “Oh, here comes Pops.” Cronus waved.

 Kankri blinked. Dualscar was in full euro-playboy gear, his skin shiny and glistening with sun tanning oil. Silver aviator style sunglasses adorned his face. Kankri looked down across man’s abs and wondered how many sit-ups he must do a day. He bit the inside of his cheek, pushing the thought away. His eyes drifted down to the white drawstrings of Dualscar’s black Speedo, watching as they swayed in the breeze. Eyes looking down to…

 Kankri’s bathing suit started to tent. When he realized what was happening, blood rushed to his cheeks. He turned and, without a word to Cronus, dashed off towards the surf.      

 ------

 The sun had fallen and was now barely over the horizon. Danny and Equius had tired of bodysurfing in the waves after only an hour and had already made their way back to the house. Meanwhile, Cronus and Dualscar had manage to spend the entire late afternoon and early evening laying out in the sun, roasting themselves.

 Kankri had swum almost the entire time. He enjoyed being in such a large body of water, feeling weightless as the waves rocked into him, throwing him slightly off his feet each time. The undertow was an easy challenge to overcome, but one that made him feel in tune with the powerful forces of nature. He was tired now, but still couldn’t bring himself back on shore, afraid he would give himself away. That his self-control would melt and Cronus might catch him looking, staring at ‘Pops.’

 Cronus was coming towards the surf, waving his arms. Hands cupped around his mouth, he shouted over the surf, “YO! DINNER!”

 Kankri felt eyes crawling over him as he slogged his way back up to the shore. Finally, back at the Ampora’s, he grabbed his towel from the ground and wrapped it around himself, just above nipple height.

 “You sure do like to swim.” Dualscar smiled.

 Kankri looked down at his own feet, buried in the sand. “Yeah,” he muttered.

 “So Kankri, what do you want tonight?” asked the elder Ampora.

 His eyes widened. “Uh…?”

 Cronus chimed in. “We’re gonna do hamburgers out on the grill, but Pops brought a bunch of stuff for you since you’re, you know.” He made a peace sign with his hand. “Got you portabello mushrooms, tofu, tomatoes, corn, squash and zucchini, kale...” He stuck his tongue out in disgust. “Ugh, I can’t believe you eat all that garbage.”

 He turned to look at Dualscar, who was now smiling too broadly for his mouth. “Uh, thanks. That was very considerate.”

 “My pleasure. I want to make sure all of our guests have everything they enjoy.”

 Kankri swallowed. “Um… the mushrooms would be good grilled.”

 “Mushrooms it will be then. Well gentlemen, shall we?” Dualscar turned and began heading back up the beach. Cronus followed quickly.

 Kankri hung back for a second, evaluating. The cool water was still keeping his bits in check. He followed, watching father and son walk side by side. He noticed they had the same gait. Like moth to flame, he found himself entranced by the larger man’s patchwork scarred back. His eyes drifted down, down to watch the glute muscles power his body through the sand.

 ------

 At the driveway, Cronus turned back to Kankri. “Oh, house-rule: You need to wash off before you come in so you don’t track sand into the house. There’s a hose here, but there’s also a shower stall in the back. Since you actually got in, might want to go around back and rinse off real quick.”

 Kankri nodded. “Sure thing, meet you inside in a minute?”

 “Yup.”

 It took every ounce of Kankri’s willpower to keep from looking as Dualscar bent over to turn on the hose.

 As he walked around the side of house, he admonished himself for objectifying the man and enacting the male gaze, but then wondered if it was still the male-gaze if he was looking at another man. ‘ _Hrm, something to look into when I get back to school._ ’

 He found the outdoor shower stall abutting the back of the house. Two pairs of swim-trunks hung haphazardly over the side. He placed his beach towel over the side, entered the small wooden box, and closed the stall door.

 A powerful stream of warm water hit him in the chest. Sticking his head under pushed the ocean grit out of his hair, sending it down his body to collect in his swim-trunks. He sighed and slid them down. It felt odd to be showering outside; to be nude outside. He spotted a bar of soap and lathered.

 A daydream played in his head. _Dualscar, laying on the beach, sunning himself like a lizard. Kankri standing over him. Barely millimeters of lycra between Kankri and..._

 He let out a long breath. The pads of his fingers felt through the short curls of his pubic hair. Inching down, they found the underside of his shaft; rubbed. It felt good.

  _… climbing on top of the man as he lay. Tugging his waistband down…_

His glans felt full, swollen as his tightened his hand into a fist, pumping.

_Rubbing his cock back and forth over Dualscar’s. Suntan oil making their bodies glide._

 Quicker.

  _… Dualscar flipping him over on to his back._

He panted through his mouth.

_… hands grabbing the back of his thighs, hoisting his legs into the air. Heat. Heat at his entrance._

 The firebolt came fast and hard. He bucked his hips, wincing.

  _… large hands at his throat as Dualscar plowed into him._

 Another pulse.

  _… the massive body on top of him, holding him as he buried his face into the thicket on the man’s chest…_

 He let go. Coursing water washed the slick from his hands.  He exhaled, swallowed, blinked. The daydream disappeared from his mind’s eye.

 He reached for the soap again.

 Around the corner of the house, not six feet away, Cronus’s heart beat furiously in his chest. The rhythmic smacking sound had subsided. Quiet as a mouse, hand curled around his crotch, he tensed as his legs quaked.

 ------

 Kankri had to admit, the man could cook. He looked down at the few remnants on his plate of the grilled Portobello mushrooms which had been marinated in balsamic vinegar, drizzled with olive oil, stuffed with tomatoes, fresh rosemary, thyme, basil, and grilled with just a hint of garlic, salt and pepper (not to mention the potato salad). Satiated, he looked at Dualscar. “That was… amazing.”

 Dualscar turned to Danny, who was still pushing his hamburger sans bun around with a fork. “Glad to see someone appreciates my culinary expertise.”

 Danny rolled his eyes. “I told you I just wanted mac and cheese.”

 “I don’t know what your mother is feeding you, but you can’t eat mac and cheese every damn meal.”

 Danny groaned and slunk back in his chair. Dualscar let out a frustrated sigh and took a sip of the J&B on the rocks he had been nursing since returning from the beach.

 “Can I have another?” asked Equius. It would be his third.

 Dualscar shrugged. “Be my guest. Either gonna eat ‘em now or eat ‘em for lunch tomorrow.”

 Cronus sat back in his seat, plate demolished. He patted his slight extended belly. “Not too shabby Pops. So you gonna let me cook for everyone tomorrow?”

 Dualscar laughed. “Who are you going to get to deliver all the way out here?”

 “Hey! I can cook just fine thank you!”

 Dualscar gave a perfunctory nod and knocked back the remainder of his drink.

 “I didn’t know you cooked Cronus,” Kankri offered.

 “Oh yeah. Well. I’ve been learning at the dorm this year. We got this kitchen setup that I’ve been using.”

 “You wouldn’t know how to boil water,” interjected Danny.

 “HEY! I think I’ll take my criticism from someone who eats foods that come in colors other than yellow.”

 Danny thrust out his tongue defiantly.

 The elder Ampora swirled the remaining ice in his glass. “Well, I suppose it’s nice you’re willing to step up at take a little responsibility. What do you want to make? I’ll make sure we have ingredients.”

 Cronus sat back in his chair and thought. “Well, I suppose if I gotta make something that everyone can eat, how about stuffed peppers? I can make Mr. Animal Planet’s here with rice, but we can do meat in the rest of them.”

 Danny’s face contorted in agony. “Gross.”

 Equius chimed in, “I like peppers.”

 Dualscar nodded, ignoring Danny’s complaints. “Good to hear it champ. Danny, we can probably get you a yellow pepper.”

 “Do I have to eat the insides?”

 “Well, you should try.”

 Danny groaned again.

 Cronus stood up and took some of the empty plates over to the sink. “Hey Kankri, I’m feelin’ a little restless. Wanna go for a walk?”

 Kankri’s face twitched, remembering Cronus’s activities on the last ‘walk.’ He looked to Dualscar, then back to Cronus. “Uh, okay.”

 “Can I come along?” pleaded Danny.

 “You aren’t going anywhere until you eat some of your damn dinner bucko,” Dualscar spat.

 “Blagh.” Danny pushed the plate away and crossed his arms.

 “It’s okay Danny, I’ll stay here with you.” Equius cheerily added.

 “I’ll meet you out front Kankri. Just gotta grab my, uh, flashlight from my room real quick.”

 ------

 “You had weed in the car the entire drive down?”

 Cronus rolled his eyes said in a mocking tone. “No. It was free at the gas station with a fill-up.”

 “That’s not funny.”

 Cronus took a drag on the joint, held it in for a few moments, and exhaled. “I don’t know why you just can’t like, chill out. Like, we’ve basically have this entire beach to ourselves, it’s a gorgeous night, you have the company and undivided attention of _me_ , and you’re getting pissy cause I brought a little herb with me.”

 “What if you had gotten pulled over, _with your little brother in the car_?”

 “Chief, you need to learn to relax. We made it down here A-Okay. There’s no problem here.”

 Kankri let out a loud, disappointed sigh. “I wish you could respect the fact it makes me uncomfortable.”

 Cronus’s tone shifted. “I wish you could respect the fact that maybe it’s a fucking coping mechanism.”

 Kankri blinked. “Wha… what?”

 Cronus didn’t respond.

 It clicked. “You mean… the dysphoria stuff don’t you?”

 Cronus sighed. “I’m not sure I am high enough for this.” He took another drag, held it, exhaled.

 ‘ _I am the world’s biggest asshole._ ’ Kankri thought.

 “Yeah. Okay. It… it helps with the body thing.”

 Kankri closed his eyes. ‘ _Way to trigger your friend, dipshit._ ’ He looked up at the night sky. The galaxy was so much more vibrant this far away from the city. He sighed.

 “Look, if you’re gonna be weird about this, maybe you should go back to the house. I’ve kind of dealt with a lot of shit today.” Cronus muttered.

 “I’m… I’m really sorry Cronus. I… I didn’t realize.”

 “Look, I don’t want to be rude or nothing, but so far this vacation has kind of gotten off to a shitty start and… look, I’m just tryin’ to relax here a bit. Could we maybe talk about something else?”

 They walked wordlessly along the beach. The ocean waves crashed, reaching towards them with sea-foam fingers.

 “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… bring all this up.”

 Cronus exhaled. “Don’t worry about it chief.”

 “No, but I should have put it together.”

 Cronus patted Kankri on the shoulder and deadpanned, “It’s okay Kankri. You’re an idiot. It’s a good thing you’re cute.”

 Kankri rolled his eyes. “You are unbelievable.”

 Cronus cackled and took another drag, held, exhaled.

 A ghost crab scooted sideways at the end of the flashlight beam.

 “Um, hey. In all seriousness for a second. About that whole thing with my mom…. Thanks for being a solid guy.”

 A flash came to Kankri: Dualscar, sitting on the couch in his bathrobe, legs spread apart, his swollen cock, a drop of pre-cum glistening. He pushed it away and nodded. “Of course.”

 It came as a surprise when the flashlight beam jerked out of view. Suddenly, Cronus was hugging him. He paused for a second, unsure of what to do. Cautiously, he patted Cronus on the back.  

  “Duties as second in command met and exceeded. I’m putting a note in your file soldier.”

 “Are you now.”

 Cronus broke off the embrace. “Yup. Maybe someday I’ll let you even pilot the U.S.S. Sausage Wagon.”

 Kankri groaned. “Oh god. Do you actually tell people that is what you named your car?”

 “Hell yeah! They think it’s hilarious! Haven’t you ever seen Kill Bill?”

 “What’s that?”

 “Movie. Tarantino?”

 Kankri shrugged.

 “Pulp Fiction? Reservoir Dogs?”

 Kankri shrugged again.

 “Goddamnit Vantas, we need to get you out to the fuckin’ movies more. Or a Netflix subscription or something. Jegus.”

 Kankri gave a non-committal grunt.

 Cronus took a final drag on the joint and pitched the butt to the ground. He fished his pack of Parliament Lights out of shorts and dragged one out. “Man, I’m so glad to be back here. I really missed this place.”

 Kankri looked up. A ballet of twinkling light danced above.

 Cronus grinned, dopily. “Hey, wanna make sand angels?”

 ------

 Cronus slinked off to his room when they returned close to midnight. Kankri, exhausted, decided he had had enough for the day and was ready for some alone time.  

 In his room, door closed, he pulled off his shirt and walked over to the nightstand, turning on the reading light. He killed the overhead light, stepped out of his shorts, and pulled out a textbook on social constructionism from his gym bag. He was tired, but thought he might be able to get through a few paragraphs at least.

 He propped pillows up against where the headboard met the mattress and plopped down. The TV upstairs was audible through the walls. ‘ _Must be right underneath it._ ’ He found his bookmark.

 _The absence of an ultimate truth seems to be the foundation upon which the theoretical framework of social constructionism is built. Within this framework..._  

 The floorboards creaked above him and he paused. He got up, walked back to the door, deciding to leave it open, just a crack. ‘ _For air-flow,_ ’ he told himself.

 He settled back in bed and located his page again.

_Within this framework it is enormously difficult to say that some ideas or ways of thinking about the world are correct or true and others false. If we accept the possibility of many different realities constructed within different historical and cultural contexts..._

 Half an hour later, the noise from the TV ceased. The floorboards creaked again. Kankri put his finger on the sentence he was reading and concentrated. The footfalls seemed to be going away. ‘ _How was the upstairs laid out again?_ ’ he wondered. He closed his eyes and sighed. ‘ _You are being ridiculous. It was probably Danny and his friend watching a movie._ ’ Blinking, he looked down at the page. The words were starting to blur. Maybe it was time to call it a night.

 Kankri looked up when the faint light in the crack of the door widened, then closed shut.

 “My my my. Look at you. So studious.” Ice clinked in a glass.

 Gooseflesh rippled out over his arms. “Uh.” He stumbled, vocal cords fraying. “Something I can help you with Mr. Ampora?”

 The figure in a black v-neck and blue rayon running shorts stepped towards the bed. Dualscar cocked his head to the side. “Mr. Ampora… Mr. Ampora...” he repeated. “Well Kankri, I might have something you can help me with.”

 Kankri’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he dry-swallowed. He put his book on the nightstand. “If you’re looking for Cronus, he’s upstairs in his room.”

 “Do you think I’m looking for Cronus?”

 “I… uh… no.” His face flushed, embarrassed.

 “Ah… you’re very smart Kankri, aren’t you?” Dualscar stood at the edge of the bed, surveying Kankri, then took another sip of his drink.

 ‘ _And you are very drunk._ ’ “Thank you?”

 “You’re very welcome. So, Kankri, tell me. Since you are so… smart. Can you tell me why I might have come down here? It seems I have…. forgotten.” He ran a finger over the rim of his glass.

 Kankri stared into the corner of the room.

 “Always so shy…” Dualscar chided.

 “…you came down here looking for me.”

 Dualscar gave an impish grin. “Very good. A+ work.” He came around the side of the bed and placed a hand on Kankri’s chin, guiding him to look up.  

 Indigo eyes impaled him. Kankri was falling.

 “Now, Kankri… this is a tough one. _Why_ did I come down here looking for you?”

 “I … I think we both know why.”

 “Do we?”

 His heart pounded. “Don’t… make me say it.”

 Dualscar pouted and put his hand over his heart. “Oh Kankri, I’m hurt.” He knocked back another sip of his drink and looked down. “Oh my, is that for me?””

 Kankri’s eyes darted down. ‘ _Oh. Oh god._ ’ There was no mistaking what was going on in his boxers. ‘ _How am I possibly hard after…?_ ’

 “Maybe you’d like to take those god awful things off. Might be a bit more... comfortable.”

 Kankri’s face wrinkled. “They aren’t god awful.”

 Dualscar snorted. “Kankri… you have a nice body and seem to like to take care of it. I don’t know why you hide it behind the baggiest most ill-fitting clothes you can find.”

 “Not all of us like to show off.”

 Dualscar raised an eyebrow. “Oh, do you think I show off?” he asked in a haughty voice.

 Panic shot through him. “That’s… not what I meant.”

 Dualscar ran a hand through Kankri’s hair. “Oh, but what if I do? What if I _like_ to show off Kankri?” His firm hand trailed down, working the nape of Kankri’s neck roughly. "What if I show off because it _puts me in control?”_

 Kankri swallowed as Dualscar let go.

 “So… let’s start this again.” Dualscar annunciated the syllabus with intention. “Take. Them. Off.”

 Kankri reached down and hitched his thumbs under the worn elastic of his boxers. Maneuvering in the bed, hands trembling, he snaked the boxers down his legs. The rigidness of his cock angled it up into the air.

 Dualscar licked his lips. “Oh, that’s good. That’s very good Kankri.” He took a final swig on his drink, setting the glass on the night stand. “How does it feel?”

 Kankri looked down at himself and said in a low-voice, “I’m… I’m really hard.”

 Dualscar chuckled. “Oh that I can see.”

 His eyes drifted back up into the man’s fierce gaze. Not breaking eye-contact, he reached down, curled his hand around his cock, and began to slide the skin of his shaft back and forth. He panted, mouth barely ajar.

 Dualscar let out a small content sigh. “There, does that feel better?”

 Kankri closed his eyes and moaned. “… yes.”

Dualscar recognized the desperate hunger in the man. “I want you to feel good Kankri.”

 Through hitched breathes Kankri mumbed, “th… thank y…ou.”

 Dualscar ran his fingers over his lips as he looked down at the pre-cum pooling on Kankri’s belly. “My my, making a mess already.” He reached down and dragged a digit through, brought it up to Kankri’s lips.

“Suck.”

 Kankri swallowed, greedily. Dualscar gave an approving gutteral moan while wriggling the finger gently back and forth. He dropped his voice to a raspy whisper. "You’re making me hard you little fucker.”

 Kankri drew his head back slowly, a small arc of saliva trailing from the finger.

 “Get on all fours. Ass towards me.”

 Teeth chattered in his head as Kankri rolled over, turning himself around on all fours, dangling his feet off the side of the bed. He dug his hands into the sheets to keep them from shaking.

Dualscar paused and ran a hand across from Kankri’s shoulder, down his back, around the soft curve of his ass, admiring. He took a firm hold of Kankri’s asscheeks with both hands, gave each a rough squeeze, then spread them apart. Dualscar licked his lips. “Oh... you look… so… _tight_.”

A new sensation filled Kankri’s brain, one he had never had to process before: a moist warmth darted against him. ‘ _Is he…?_ ’ Kankri wondered, unable to complete the thought. He looked between his legs and saw only the man’s chest. Kankri’s hips rived as he failed to stifle a blissed moan.

Dualscar pushed his tongue into Kankri’s ass, causing it to spasm. Little whimpers escaped Kankri as the elder Ampora dragged his tongue up and down, caking him in viscous spit.

“Oh god… oh god…” moaned Kankri over and over, a delirious mantra. Kankri felt almost relieved when Dualscar finally broke away. He was getting close already. Then, a pressure. Kankri arched his back as Dualscar slid a finger into him.

“Like that?” Dualscar asked as he curled his middle finger down, probing, grinning as he watched Kankri’s opening gripping him. Kankri cried incoherent nonsense into the mattress. Pre-cum dripped down from between Kankri's legs, making neat puddles on the sheets.

“Do you want it?”

Kankri was disintegrating, falling, wind ripping his body into dust being spread to the four corners of the earth.  

 “Say it,” Dualscar commanded.

Kankri panted against the sheets, his eyes closed tight. Nerves, electric wires. He gave a small grunt.

“Say it boy,” Dualscar repeated in a cool, firm voice, then drove his finger deep into Kankri.

' _FUCK!'_  He whined helplessly.

Dualscar gave him a hard smack on the rear with his free hand.

Kankri cried out, “Goddamnit, just  _fuck me_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, as some low-rent bonus content,[ here's the “mix-tape” Cronus plays in the car.](http://inkyopolis.tumblr.com/post/150837336696/also-as-some-low-rent-bonus-content-i-put)


	6. Chapter 6

The taste of salt played on Kankri’s tongue as he sucked in ocean air through his teeth. It was tougher running on the beach than on the paved roads he knew so well. The loose sand made it harder to push off and moving closer to the surf, where the sand was more compact, meant having to dodge the waves as they reached up for him.

‘ _What am I doing here?_ ’ he wondered. He watched a gull float effortlessly by above. A twinge of jealously passed through him.

A new train of thought answered, ‘ _You know exactly what you are doing. You are giving in to your base desires_ _,_ _wallowing in a complete lack of self-control. And you_ _ **know**_ _better than this.’_

As the bird dipped down to investigate a potential meal, Kankri recognized he was looping; getting stuck in a negative cycle of critique and self-flagellation. This was bad. His anxiety was growing out of control. ‘ _Gosh, I wonder if maybe sleeping with your friends dad has something to do with it_ ,’ his mind chastised. He decided to try to dislodge the negativity by focusing on something else. The soles of his feet. Yes, those would do. ‘ _What is it like to put my full attention and consciousness in this singular part of my being. How does it feel as I land? As I push off?_ ’

A flash shot through his mind. …calloused hands gripping his shoulders, pulling him back…

He shook his head like he was trying to get water out of his ears. ‘ _Are the soles of my feet relaxed? What does it feel to witness the ground accepting my body?’_

…the stuffiness of the pillow as he used it to muffle his moans… it had hurt at first…. he knew it would… he had tried to mentally prepare, brace himself as much as he could…

‘ _Are the soles of my feet hot? What does heat feel like?’_

… bouncing like a ragdoll… the sound of skin slapping against skin… legs quaking… unable to keep himself upright… falling… falling into the mattress…. weight collapsing on top of him, not letting him writhe away…

‘ _Concentrate on your stride Kankri. Concentrate! What is it like to be at this place called here and now?_ ’ Despite the command, he found the mind-body connection noisy and distorted. He winced as a sudden stitch in his side made its presence known. He decided to let himself to walk for a minute, putting his hands over his head, chest heaving as he caught his breath.

… then, suddenly, it felt better… good, even… the whiskers scratching roughly on his neck… honeysuckle obscenities grunted into his ear…. being driven… pounded into the bed… the friction from the mattress rubbing against him, like velvet… losing his hold, spilling…

He pulled his arm down off the top of his head and looked down at his Casio watch. ‘ _This can’t be right._ _How have I only been out twenty-five minutes?_ ’ He craned his head towards the sun, now fully over the horizon. Already it was getting unbearably hot.

… the breath in his ear hitching… shuddering…

Waves crashed. ‘ _It had felt good… to be… to be what? What are you doing here? Why are you here?’_

… the void when he was… exited… the breeze from the window cooling the gluey mess between his legs…

‘ _To be wanted?_ … _Used?_ ’

He turned back towards the house, commanding his legs to go. They refused for a moment, tired, wanting rest. Then, acceding to the higher authority, they relented and obeyed.

\------

He made it back from the run five minutes past eight. Despite being out less than an hour, he we pleased with the effort. While his speed was been sub-optimal, the new sights and smells made it enjoyable. Outside, he stared up at the house that had seemed so familiar. The house stared back.

Mouth dry and belly rumbling, he headed in.

The house was quiet. But early morning calm was good, made it easier to reflect on one’s thoughts.

He opened the pantry. It seemed overly full for a three-day vacation. His eyes ran across the top shelf: Pop-Tarts, a box of Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, and Fruit Loops. All non-organic. ‘ _Gross_.’ He searched, hoping Dualscar had at least picked up some kind of bread. At this point he’d even settle for white bread, but he found none.

He decided instead on an apple and a glass of water. As he twisted the ice-cubes out of the tray, Kankri heard a noise from around the corner. He turned.

“Oh, hey there Danny.”

The youngest of the Ampora clan walked through the kitchen clad in a T-shirt with a complex crest that read, “Gryffindor” and pajama pants with lightning bolts all over them. Danny gave Kankri a perfunctory nod, yawned, and wiped at the sleep in his eyes. “Why are you up so early?”

“I run in the mornings.”

Danny peered into the pantry, pulled out the box of Fruit Loops and set it on the counter. “That’s dumb.”

“Well, you might think so, but I find it rather relaxing.”

Reaching up into a cabinet, Danny pulled down two cereal bowls. “So, are you like, Cronus’s boyfriend or something?”

Kanrki swallowed, “Pardon?”

“I mean, gross, but, you know…. _whatever_. I don’t really care. But, like, there’s other people in this house.”

Kankri’s face twisted in confusion. “Cronus and I aren’t together.”

Danny poured an overflowing bowl full of cereal, set the box down. He then began to sort the non-yellow Fruit Loops into the second bowl, remarking “Yeah, of course, whatever, like I said, don’t care.”

“Why would you think that he and I are…” he paused, stifled a shudder, then continued, “… dating?”

Danny rolled his eyes and chided. “Look, date him, be gay together, _I don’t care_.”

Kankri repeated emphatically. “I am _not_ dating your brother.” ‘ _Why am I debating this with you_ ,’ he wondered.

“Look, you think I don’t know what two people doin’ it sounds like? I mean, god, _so gross_.”

Kankri’s eyes went wide. “What?”

Danny shuddered. “Ugh. Do you think I’m stupid or something? It sounded like you were trying to move a couch for _two_ _hours_.”

‘ _Oh.’_ Kankri stood in stunned silence as the pieces came together. “I… I uh, have bad dreams sometimes.”

“Sure. Whatever.”

“No really, like, night-terrors!” Kankri offered, over-enthusiastically.

“Uh-huh.”

“I had to see a specialist.”

“Sure. Specialist. For night terrors that make it sound like your doing it.”

Kankri looked around the room, now desperate to change the subject. “So, I uh, heard you like Harry Potter?”

Danny, now finished with his task, poured the non-yellow Fruit Loops back into the box. “So what? Do you want to date him too?”

Kankri searched with increasing wobbliness. “No. I… too… like… Harry Potter.” He paused, then added, “But not to date him.” ‘ _What am I saying?_ ’

Danny shoveled yellow cereal into his mouth by the handful. Through mashing teeth, he asked, “Which book is your favorite?”

‘ _Oh god, think Kankri think. Which books have you heard about before…_ ’ “The… prisoner of… Chillon?”

“You mean Azkaban?”

“Yes! That’s what I meant. Sorry, it’s, uh, early. My brain is still half asleep.” ‘ _What the hell am I doing?_ ’

“Only Potter newbs like that one. _The Deathly Hallows_ is what the _real_ fans like best,” Danny offered.

“Oh, I think Azkaban is just… very under-rated is all.”

Danny raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Kankri panicked. “Well… I think that Harry Potter undergoes a lot of personal growth in that one. And…” he searched for the most banal and generic thing he could think to say. “… tackles his emotions in an adult way.”

Danny stood still for a second, contemplating. Finally, he responded. “Well… I guess that’s true.”

Kankri cleared his throat. “Hey, maybe we can talk more about this more later? I need to go take a shower.”

“Yeah, you stink.”

Kankri made a face. “Thanks.” He headed downstairs, forgetting both his water and apple on the counter.

\------

While the shower was coming up to temperature, Kankri inspected himself in the mirror. No bruises or hickeys, miraculously. He studied his stomach in the mirror, sucking it in and then pushing it out. He recalled Dualscar’s comment about hiding his body. Kankri thought he had an okay-ish body, but it wasn’t anything he thought he should be _proud_ of. He had too many freckles for one thing. He flexed his arm, calling a meager bicep into existence. ‘ _If I had muscles like Dualscar’s, maybe things would be different.._ _._ ’ He studied his face, his shaggy hair, clumped from sweat. His proportions looked strange in the mirror. ‘ _Ears are too big, nose too small. Face too long_.’ The thing starring back at him seemed weird and alien, like a collage of body parts pasted together from magazine clippings by an art student. He sighed.

He turned around and craned his head back to look in the mirror. ‘ _Maybe my butt doesn’t look completely awful.’_ He turned from side to side, the cleft shifting slightly. _‘Not like Dualscar’s though_ _._ ’

He walked over and stuck his hand under the shower stream. Finding it acceptable, he stepped in and closed the curtain. He stood, head under the streaming jet, listening to the rush of water playing against his skull. A wave of tiredness hit him like a train.

\------

A knock on the door stirred Kankri from his dreamless slumber. He groaned and blearily opened his eyes. It took him a second to remember where he was. “Ung, who is it?”

“Who do you think chief?”

“Oh, hey. Give me a second, gotta put some clothes on.”

“Aw, waiting around naked just for me? And here I thought you liked to play coy Vantas.”

He rolled his eyes to the empty room, then spotted a pair of shorts on the floor and pulled them on. “Okay, I’m decent.”

The door opened. Cronus stood in the doorway. “It’s already past noon! You’re gonna sleep the day away chief.”

Kankri ran a hand through his mop of hair. Half of it seemed to be standing on end from laying down with it still wet. “Oh, I was up earlier. Went for a run. Kind of wore me out. Guess I fell asleep after I got out of the shower.”

“Ah, well good on you.” Cronus gave a sheepish smile, “Say, you wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on the two dingbats while Pops and I run into town to get stuff for dinner, would you?”

Kankri ran the earlier interaction with Danny over in his head. “Uh, sure, I guess?”

Cronus relaxed in his stance, smiled. “You’re the best. If you could take ‘em down to the beach or take ‘em on a walk or something that’d be terrific.” He shrugged. “Or just leave ‘em in a dumpster. I don’t care really. Pops might, but eh.”

Kankri chuckled. “I’ll get them out of the house for a bit, no problem.”

“Thanks, anything you want from the store?”

“Oh! Yes actually, could you get some bread? And if you see any good herbal teas?”

Cronus’s face wrinkled in confusion. “Good herbal teas?”

“You know, like a nice ginger or chamomile? But get one that you’ll drink too because I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Cronus nodded his head skeptically. “Yeaaaaaah. Sure….”

Kankri smiled, oblivious. “Thanks.”

Cronus turned to go. Something crossed Kankri’s mind. He called after him. “Oh, hey Cronus?”

He turned around. “Yeah?”

Kankri looked around nervously. “Umm… you… you didn’t hear anything… strange… last night did you?”

“Hear anything? Like what?”

“Like… weird noises or anything like that?”

In a mocking tone, Cronus asked, “Aww, were the ghosts spooking you last night?”

“No, I just…. Uh… I…” he stammered. ‘ _Why did I say anything? Cronus would have said something if he had heard anything. Probably would have made fun of me for jacking it too loudly or something._ ’ “I have bad dreams sometimes.”

Cronus stifled a laugh, making a face that fell halfway between pity and amusement. “Aw, chief. That’s adorable.”

Kankri sneered. “It is not adorable!” ‘ _Why am I getting angry about this? This isn’t even real!_ ’

“I’ll see if we can find you a nightlight at the grocery store.”

\------

Kankri wandered upstairs shortly after he heard Cronus and Dualscar leave, wanting to avoid interacting with ‘Pops’ until he felt a bit more in control of himself. Danny and Equius were planted in front of the TV, watching some kind of cartoon while simultaneously glued to their phones. They paid him no mind as he wandered into the kitchen, finding his glass of ice, now just water, right where he left it.

Kanri called over the television. “Hey, you two want to go down to the beach?”

Without looking up, Danny responded, “Nah.”

Kankri picked up his forgotten apple, took a bite. In a flat tone, he remarked, “You tore off down to the beach yesterday.”

“Yeah, but that was yesterday, and it’s hot as balls today.”

Kankri frowned. “You are at the beach. The ocean will cool you off.”

“Look, Ken, Adventure Time is on. Maybe later.”

“Kankri.”

“What?”

Kankri narrowed his eyes. “My name is Kankri.”

Still facing the television, Danny said. “Whatever, shut up.”

“Excuse me?”

“You are talking over the TV.”

“ _EXCUSE ME?_ ” Kankri asked again, more incredulous from the first comment than the second.

Danny turned his head, now realizing that he had perhaps crossed a line. “Look, I know Dad said you were in charge and all, but, like, layoff.”

Heat flashed at the corner of his eyes. He strode to the television and hit the power button, then turned to face the two lumps of flesh on the couch. In a voice he barely recognized as his own, he commanded, “ _We_ are _going_ to the beach. _Now._ ”

Danny groaned. “Oh my god, the beach will still be there later today. You need to chill.”

Equius chimed in, “I’d like to go to the beach.”

“Shut up doofus,” demanded Danny. Equius shrunk back into the couch.

“Hey, do _NOT_ treat your friend like that.” Kankri scolded. ‘ _Breathe, just breathe Kankri. He’s thirteen and doesn’t know any better._ ’

Danny rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Okay, we are going to make this diplomatic. All of those who want to go down to the beach, raise your hand.” Kankri raised his own hand. At first, Equius did nothing, looking back and forth between Danny and Kankri, trying to resolve the chain-of-command between his friend and the de-facto adult in charge. Slowly, hesitantly, he raised his hand.

Danny scowled at Equius then up at Kankri, grumbling. “Ugh. Some friend you are. Fine! I’ll go get my _damn_ bathing suit.” He got up and stomped off to his bedroom.

Equius smiled up at Kankri. Kankri noticed the kid’s unrepaired broken front tooth. He nodded solemnly, feeling a strange sort of protectionism mixed kinship. “Don’t let him push you around like that.”

As Equius got up and headed down the hallway, Kankri raised his voice and shouted after him, “And don’t forget to put on sunblock!”

\------

Danny dragged his feet through the sand as they walked down the path towards the beach.

Kankri offered cheerily, “You’re at a beach! Do you know how wonderful this is? How privileged you are to basically have this whole place to yourself?”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Do you ever, like, listen to yourself talk?”

“Yes, and I also listen very carefully to others as well.”

“Ugh… I don’t know why you are so excited.”

“Are you kidding? The beach is amazing. The sand, sea-shells, listening to the ocean waves crashing…”

“All that stuff is stupid as balls.”

“You’ll appreciate how precious all this is when you get older.”

“Are you like, poor or something?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I mean, you sound like you don’t come to the beach all time.”

Kankri paused. “Well… I don’t.”

“Well I do. And yeah, like, it’s fun the first day, but like, it’s sooooo hot today,” he whined.

“I thought you only come here once a year?”

“Well once a year _with dad._ ” Danny explained. “We come here all the time with Mom and Rufus.”

“Oh.” Kankri searched for something to say. “Lucky you.”

Danny sulked. “Coming with Dad sucks. He always just expects us to be like, a family, or something. Mom and Rufus just let me do whatever I want. Plus like, they let me pick out all the food at the grocery store.”

“I see.”

Danny continued. “Mom says Dad needs to get ‘Return to AA’ tattooed on his forehead.”

Kankri blinked. “That’s… not a terribly nice thing to say.” He recalled the glass of liquor perpetually attached to Dualscar’s hand last night; suddenly felt worried.

“Yeah, well, you probably haven’t seen him when he’s mean.”

“Mean?”

Danny didn’t respond for a second, then repeated: “He gets mean.”

In the distance, Equius splashed into the surf.

\------

Cronus joined the crew at the beach an hour and a half later.

Kankri smiled at his companion as he swam out to meet him in the chest deep water. “How was the grocery store?”

“Aww, chief, I don’t want to upset you, but, well, I looked high and low and…” He let out a dramatic sigh, “No night lights. Got you bread and some tea though. Some kind called Lipton?”

Kankri’s eye twitched. He started, “Lipton is… a brand… not.” He trailed off, decided it wasn’t worth the effort. “Say, where’s your dad?”

“Pops? Oh he’s putting shit away. Probably will be down here in a few minutes. Why, did Doofus and Gallant give you and trouble?” He grinned. “You gonna narc ‘em out?”

“Oh no. Well. I mean, they were fine.” He paused, “Well, not exactly, but nothing too bad.”

Cronus nodded as he dog-paddled in the surf. “Well they aren’t dead, so good work.”

“Your brother… has got some temperament.”

“Yeah, he’s a fucking dickwad.”

Kankri dragged his toes through loose sand. He thought about his own brother, wondering how he was doing at home with Dad. “That’s… “ ‘ _Accurate_ ’ “…a little harsh.”

“Okay, well, I don’t pull my punches quite the same as you chief.”

Kankri nodded. “Hey, umm, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

Kankri lowered his voice. “Uh, what is the deal with your Dad?”

“Whaddya mean?”

‘ _What do I mean?_ ’ Kankri wondered. “Well… I don’t mean to get too personal or anything, and it’s none of my business, so please feel free to tell me--”

Cronus interrupted, “Oh my god, just ask your question, you don’t have to caveat everything.”

“Well, I mean… he seems kind of… alone?”

Cronus contemplated the question. “I think he’s doing okay.”

“Is he?” Kankri asked, just a moment too quickly.

Cronus raised a sly eyebrow. “You think of making a move on my Pops there chief?”

Cold water ran through Kankri’s veins, “Oh, no no no!” He panicked. “I mean, I just wonder if…” ‘ _Think Kankri! Think!_ ’ “a stable female role is in the picture for Danny?” His eyes got wide. “Not that your dad has to have a girlfriend! I mean, Danny would be also okay with another male role-model in his life.” He looked at Cronus raising an eyebrow. “Oh gosh! Or a non-binary person as well! SORRY, I didn’t mean to reify our society’s construction of gender roles and norms! Danny would probably be well suited with someone in his life who didn’t cleanly identify in the horrible binary system of gender that we have artificially constructed! Oh gosh, I’m so sorry!”

Cronus blinked. “You… are kind of freakin’ me out here chief.”

The air felt thick and sweltering. “Oh. God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

Cronus stuck his hands up. “Whoa whoa, okay, just… chill man. You don’t have to like, spaz out.”

Kankri swallowed. “Sorry, I just… didn’t mean to offend you.”

“No offense taken.” Cronus paused, contemplating. “I mean, Dad’s had some lady friends come around every once in a while, but none that I think Danny’s met. I think Pops doesn’t really want to give the impression that he’s replacing Mom.”

Kankri’s spinning mind slowed. “So… he has… girlfriends?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t know how serious any of them are. But…” Cronus shrugged. “I mean… let’s just say I’ve met a few ladies taking the walk of shame.”

Kankri nodded slowly, feeling a sudden, surprising hurt. ‘ _Am I on a walk of shame?_ ’ “Oh.”

Cronus thought about it for a second. “I mean, I guess it’s probably not the healthiest model for Danny when it comes down to it, so might be better that he doesn’t get exposed to it, ya know? Could fuck a guy up.” He paused. “Hey, you ever gone skinny dipping?”  
Kankri swallowed. “Uhhhhh?”

“You know, like, swimming, but like, buck naked.” He looked around, spotting Danny and Equius swimming down-shore a ways, just specks in the distance. With one quick motion, Cronus dragged his hands down his sides, then brought a wad of fabric up in one hand. He wiggled his eyebrows at Kankri. “You should give it a shot, feels great.”

Kankri’s eyes went wide. “You….” He turned away, looking nervously up and down the beach. “Oh. _Oh._ ” He repeated.

Cronus chortled, “You are such a square!” He threw the soggy swim-trunks at Kankri and hit him between the shoulder blades.

Kanrki turned around and grabbed at the swim-trunks, tossing them back to Cronus. “ _Cronus!_ Someone’s going to _see!_ ”

“You are so uptight chief. No one’s gonna see! Danny and Dingus McGee are a half-mile downshore.” Cronus took the trunks in his hand and began a backstroke, the barest bits of his nethers covered by the turquoise water. “Come on _relax._ You know how many people would _kill_ to be in your shoes right now, getting naked with _me?_ Besides, when are you gonna get to go au naturel in the ocean again?”

Kankri gave serious, scholarly analysis to the situation. Cronus’s assertion did have merits. He would likely not have a whole private beachfront property to himself again in the near-term future. And… there was something enticing about the prospect of being closer to nature, the whole of the universe, in his original form. Something meditative. He looked down through the water and realized he could barely even see his belly button through the water. ‘ _Cronus wouldn’t be able to see a thing._ ’ He bit the inside of his cheek, “If I do, you don’t ever say _a_ _word_ about this to anyone.”

Cronus stopped his stroke, coming back down to standing. He held up his hand in a salute Kankri didn’t recognize. “Scout’s honor.”

“You were in scouts?”

“Well, no. It’s just a saying.” Cronus splashed at Kankri.

Kankri looked up at the clouds as he thumbed the waist-band of his swim-trunks. He hitched them down, simultaneously using his buoyancy to jump up through the fabric. Then, like a feather, he was free. The gentle sway of the ocean’s current on his flesh felt good.

Cronus grinned. “See, there you go chief. Just unwind and relax into it.” He paused, then added casually, “And don’t worry about the jellyfish, they only attack if you get in their territory.”

Kankri recoiled. “ _Jellyfish?!?_ ”

“ _Too_ easy.”

Kankri sulked as he pawed his trunks. “That’s not funny.”

“Says you. Pretty funny to me.”

Kankri looked up the beach and spotted another figure on the horizon. There was no mistaking the space the figure took up. “Hey, uh, I think that’s your dad.” He fumbled to put his trunks back on.

Cronus nodded. “So?”

“Dude, _it’s your dad._ ”

“What’s a matter chief, worried he’s gonna spot your boner with his x-ray vision or something?”

‘ _I’m pretty sure he’s got an idea of what that looks like_.’ He pushed the thought away. “No, I just…” He paused, faced flushed with embarrassment. “I don’t know why I let you talk me into this.”

Cronus laughed. “You are such a prude. I can’t handle it, it’s so adorable.”

“I am not a prude!”

Cronus guffawed. “Bull _shit_. I mean, Jegus, you probably jack it to the Macy’s catalog.”

“I am not going to entertain a discussion about what I ‘jack it’ to.” The image of pearl rivulets dripping down over Dualscar’s pecs played through Kankri’s mind. He added in a subdued tone. “Besides, discretion is the better part of valor.”

Cronus hooted. “Oh wow, now that’s an old gem.”

Kankri shrugged and gave a playful shrug, “Just keeping up.”

Cronus guffawed, “ _Hoo-hoo._ Vantas! That’s some _sass_!”

Kankri looked back up the shore and saw Dualscar had thrown his towel down and was, once again, sunning himself like a lizard. He decided to try to change the subject. “So… did your dad…” He paused, trying to think of how to word the question. “…say anything… at the grocery store?”

“Eh, Pops wanted to talk about me getting serious about my education, blah blah blah.”

Kankri made a face. “Well… he’s kind of right you know.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Ugh. School is such bullshit. I mean, no one does shit with their degrees. They are fuckin’ meaningless you know? Pops didn’t even finish college and look at him! He retired before 45!”

The phrase, ‘before 45’ played over in his head. He pushed away the impulse to calculate the exact age difference between the two of them. “But that’s pretty… unusual. And a college degree is pretty much a pre-requisite for most employment today.”

“Yeah, but the system is _bullshit_. That’s what I’m saying.”

‘ _He isn’t wrong._ ’ Kankri thought. “Well… if you didn’t feel like you had to get a degree, what would you do instead?”

“I dunno, maybe cruise the country? You know, explore.”

“Okay, but what would you do for money?”

Cronus struck a pose, wadded swimsuit still grasped in his hand, “Model, obviously.”

Kankri rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

“What you don’t think I could pull it off?”

Kankri couldn’t quite tell if Cronus was being serious or not. “Well, I suppose. But… aren’t you a little… y’know, short?”

Cronus snickered. “Kankri! I thought you of all people wouldn’t discriminate against someone based on their appearance!”

Embarrassment crept across his face. “I didn’t mean that… I mean, I think you can do whatever you set your mind to Cronus. And if you wanted to be a model-”

“I’m just fuckin’ with you Vantas.”

Kankri made a face.

The playful cadence in Cronus’ voice dropped out. “…I just don’t want to do what I’m expected to just _because_ I’m expected to, you know?”

Kankri thought of his own dad, his ‘encouragement’ to take up teaching. “I…” Kankri paused, overcome with a surprising sense of empathy. “I get it.”

They both bobbed up and down, rocked by the pull of the moon’s gravity on the vast ocean.

Cronus broke the pause in conversation. “Hey, could I twist your arm into being my _sous chef_ tonight? I may need a hand with a few things.” He grinned, adding, “We can call you my _sous chief_.”

“Sous chef?” Kankri asked, somewhat surprised Cronus knew that term while simultaneously ignoring the horrendous pun.

“You know, help me cut things up, get the _mise en place_ going?”

“ _Mise en place?_ ” Kankri blinked.

Cronus bobbed up and down in the water. “Oh, like, that’s like, setup.”

“No, no… I know what it is, I just didn’t think…”

“What?”

“I didn’t think you…” He stopped himself before the words ‘ _would know what that is_ ,’ came tumbling irretrievably out of his mouth. “I mean, given what you normally eat.”

“Aww, chief, ye of little faith!” Cronus grinned. “Delivery is just easier when it’s just me and him. But this… this is about pride!” He turned and looked up the beach towards his father, lying face down on a beach towel, sunning his backside. “Look, Pops always makes a big deal about cooking for everyone when are at the beach. Like, that’s what it takes to be a good person, being a good host. I’ve been watching the Food Network, you know, teachin’ myself how to cook and shit. I just wanna, you know… show him up a little you know? Like, I can be the man of the house you know? Show ‘em I’m not some kid anymore.”

Kankri looked ashore, eyes tracing the topology of Dualscar’s posterior. He felt far away and distant. “Yeah, sure thing.”

\------

Despite fearing he would be given all the grunt work, Kankri was surprised when Cronus only had him find spices in the cabinets. He was surprised again to find he did not to have to remind Cronus to use separate cooking utensils for his vegetarian version of the dish. As Cronus carefully spooned a mixture of sautéed onions, garlic, fresh basil, olive, diced tomato, Asiago cheese, and finely cubed bits of browned sirloin steak into the blanched and hollowed peppers, Equius and Danny wandered in from the beach.

Equius sniffed the air. “Mmm, it smells like food in here.”

Danny grumbled. “Of course it smells like food, he’s cooking.”

Cronus smiled, “Glad you like the smell champ. Hope it tastes good too.”

“I bet it’s going to taste like dog food,” Danny spat.

“You would know what dog food tastes like wouldn’t you.” Cronus spat right back.

Danny sneered and stomped off down the hall to his bedroom. Equius followed, diverting into his own room to get changed.

Kankri turned to Cronus. “He and my brother would get along.” He added in his head, ‘ _Or kill each other._ ’

Cronus popped the baking tray of peppers into the oven, then fiddled with the timer. “Oh, is he a total shit too?”

Before he could answer, Kankri was distracted by the sound of the downstairs door opening and closing. Dualscar meandered upstairs, wet from the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. Kankri caught the man’s eyes, then glanced quickly away.

“Hrm… smells good in here Cronus. Making me hungry.”

“Thanks Pops!”

Dualscar smiled at Kankri, despite Kankri’s obvious discomfort. “Well Kankri, you’ll have to tell us which of us is better after the taste-test.”

Kankri shot Dualscar a glare that could have melted steel.

Cronus grinned, “Aww, Pops, you sure you want to spend tomorrow sulking when Kankri says I’m the better cook?”

Dualscar chuckled. “Oh, listen to you. Think you can take the ol’ man huh?”

Kankri’s eyes trailed down to the top of Dualscar’s towel as the elder Vantas shifted his posture. The barest hint of the tan-line from his swimsuit was visible.

“…uh.” Kankri mouthed vacantly.

“Well, I’m bringing my A-game tonight, so better get ready Pops.” Cronus turned to Kankri, “Hey chief, can you watch those peppers for a minute to make sure they don’t boil over? Gonna step out for a smoke real quick.”

Kankri let out a sound that wasn’t quite a yes, wasn’t quite a no, and wasn’t quite a part of human speech. Taking it as assent, Cronus headed over to the sliding glass-door of the deck and stepped out.

Fireworks exploded in Kankri’s head as Dualscar turned to Kankri and pursed his lips.

“And how are you today Kankri? Rested?”

“… I… I guess.”

“Good, good. Well, I should probably go change into something a bit more… dinner appropriate. Perhaps we can catch up later this evening about what mischief you’ve been up to today?”

Mouth glued shut by nerves, Kankri found all he could do was nod.

Dualscar strode down the hallway towards the master bedroom. At the door, he paused, turned his head over his shoulder and saw Kankri was still watching him. He grinned and released his grip on the towel, letting it fall to the floor. Kankri’s mouth salivated as he caught a momentary glimpse of Dualscar’s backside, a perfect pale outline where the speedo should have been.

\------

Kankri’s stomach wrapped itself into knots as he looked down at his plate, then up at Dualscar, then down at his plate, then back at Cronus. Dualscar, Cronus, and Equius were each on their second helping. Even Danny seemed to give it the highest compliment he could muster: carefully excavating the insides of the pepper, then proceeding to eat only the yellow vegetable.

Kankri pushed the half-eaten pepper around the plate. It was good. Great, in fact. But after a few bites, he had started to get stuck on a particular train of thought. What exactly had Dualscar meant by that comment about a taste test? Did Dualscar think he and Cronus were dating? Danny had thought so. Was there something he was doing that would give Dualscar that impression? And did that then mean Dualscar thought Kankri was cheating on Cronus with him? Did Dualscar _want_ Kankri to cheat on Cronus? Was this all some incredibly messed-up family power-drama that he had inadvertently wandered into and was now at the center of? Cronus had seemed awfully eager to cook for everyone tonight, to show up his Dad. ‘ _What am I doing here?_ ’ he wondered.

He pushed the stuffed green pepper around the plate with his fork.

“Oh chief, you don’t like it?”

“Oh… no. I mean, yes!” Kankri blurted. “Uh. It’s delicious. I’m just… getting full already. It’s…” he searched, “very filling.”

Cronus raised an eyebrow at Kankri. “You feelin’ alright there? You’re looking kinda pale. I didn’t…” Cronus thought for a second, “I really tried to be good about not mixing the meat-stuff up with yours. For real chief, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Kankri held up his hand. “Oh, I know. I know. It’s just…” ‘ _I fucked your dad last night_ _._ ’ “…the heat is zapping my appetite.”

Dualscar polished off his last bite. “Well Cronus, I have to say, I am impressed.”

Cronus beamed. “Really?”

“Gotta hand it to you kid. I raised you well.”

Kankri noticed a red tinge in Cronus’s cheeks. He realized it was the first time he had ever seen Cronus blush.

“It’s okay.” Danny added in.

“That’s high-praise coming from you. Thanks man.”

“I didn’t say it was good. I just meant it wasn’t totally awful.” Danny added.

“Thanks.”

“I mean like, slightly better than dog food.”

Cronus laughed. “Okay, I get the picture.”

Equius leaned over to Kankri and pointed at his plate. “Are you going to finish that?”

Dualscar chimed in, “Equi, you should let Kankri eat his own dinner.” He looked up, catching Kankti’s glance. “With all the exercise, he needs his strength.” Dualscar stood up from the table and took his plate over to the sink. He looked over the pile of pots and pans piled up, sighed. “I wish I had ordered the maid service.” He turned around and pointed and the younger end of the table. “Danny, Equius. Since Cronus cooked, you’re on duty for dishes.”

Danny groaned and went limp in the chair, head lolling on his chest.

\------

“Oh chief, did you see the look on his face? I mean, _the look_?”

“I must have missed it.”

“Are you _kidding_ me? He could barely keep from cryin’.” Cronus exuberantly kicked sand into the air as they walked along the shore. “Saying he was proud of me and all. It was _fuckin’_ great.”

Kankri played the evening dinner back in his mind. ‘ _I’m pretty sure he had actually made a comment congratulating himself for raising you so well._ ’ But the politeness governor in his brain kicked in and stopped him from saying as much. ‘ _Probably best not to burst his bubble._ ’ “Well, it was quite good.”

“Hah! Surprised you too! Bet you didn’t think I could pull that off!” Cronus boasted before sucking in on the end of his joint.

Kankri gave an embarrassed shrug. “I have to admit this vacation has been full of surprises.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t finish yours. I mean, I guess you’ve got leftovers.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve just been…” Kankri turned his eyes away from Cronus, unable to look him in the face. He watched the waves washing away their footsteps. “…really out of sorts today.”

Cronus stopped walking, suddenly concerned. “Oh. I’m really sorry chief. I mean, I was just teasing you earlier. You know, just joshing you. I can stop. Really. Do you want me to stop?”

“No, no. That’s very kind of you, thank you. I’m just.” ‘ _What am I?_ ’ “…kinda getting stuck on some things I guess.” The wave running across his feet felt cool.

Cronus put an arm around Kankri’s waist, squeezing him by the hip. “Aw chief, I’m sorry.”

Kankri stiffened slightly at the touch but thought better of pushing the arm away. At least it wasn’t the arm holding the skunky-joint at the end. “Oh, it’s nothing that bad. I just…” ‘ _Can’t stop think about your dad._ ’ “…get anxious sometimes. Start getting in these thought patterns I have a hard time breaking out of.”

“Oh yeah, that’s the worst. I’ll get like that about stuff sometimes. Totally sucks.”

“Yes, it does. Usually running and meditating help keep things in check.”

Cronus nodded. “You oughtta give up on that hippy-shit and try some better living through chemistry.”

Kankri looked out over the horizon. The sun was down, but still there was a brilliant crimson sky. ‘ _Red skies at night, sailors delight_ _,_ _’_ he thought. “I, uh, I don’t think I’m really ready for medication. I mean, I feel like I should be able to control my mind, if I just work at it, you know?”

Cronus raised his right eyebrow and offered in a hush-tone, “Well, you know… there are _natural_ remedies, if you catch my drift...” He held up the joint in front of Kankri’s face and smiled.

“I think I’m gonna take a pass for now.”

Cronus shrugged. “Suit yourself. It’s good stuff though. I can hook you up. High-quality shit. Does wonders for calming the ol’ mental circus.” He paused, then added, “Plus, I mean, it makes you cum like a million times harder.”

Kankri choked on the saliva in his mouth.

Cronus gave him a few gentle pats on the back. “Hah, see I knew I could get you to lighten up.”

Kankri gave Cronus an incredulous look as he got his spasming diaphragm back under control.

“You are such a goody-goody.”

“I am most certainly not.” Kankri stammered.

Cronus raised his hands. “I mean, you _ACT_ like such a goody-goody.” He smiled, then added, “I know deep down you’re a nasty little perv.”

A flash of anger stabbed out from behind the cloak of civility. “ _I beg your pardon?!?_ ”

“I mean come on man.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s totally okay. I know you like to jerk it. Nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, me too.”

“I… this not an appropriate topic of conversation.”

“Aww, but pullin’ your pud in the outdoor shower is totally appropriate, right?”

Kankri felt all the blood drain from his face. He asked in a low, flat voice, “What?”

A shit-eating grin crawled over Cronus’s face. “I mean, I heard you smackin’ it around in there yesterday chief.” He stuck out his tongue. “I didn’t know you were into exhibitionism, but let that freak flag fly. Just, you know, not around the youngins.”

“That… was not what was happening.”

“Bull _shit_.”

Kankri cleared his throat. “I was merely… uh…”

“Crank startin’ your engine after seeing me in my bathing suit? It’s alright Vantas, you don’t have to be shy about it. I know you got the hots for me. It’s why I let you get a peek at the goods today.” He took another drag on the joint.

Kankri couldn’t tell if Cronus was being serious or not. “No, I…” ‘ _Sloppy. That was so sloppy of you to do. To let your emotions, your hormones_ _,_ _get the better of you like that._ ’ “I was just cleaning sand from—“

“Your dick. Vigorously. While thinking of me. Like I said, totally normal!” Cronus interrupted.

A crass thought ran through Kankri’s mind. ‘ _Oh, if only you knew what I was doing last night_ _._ ’ Just as quickly, his brain’s politeness and civility filters kicked in, chiding for such a vicious thought. Kankri fell silent.

Cronus took another drag, then continued, “Don’t worry chief, you’re my second in command, this stays between you and me…” He paused and lowered his voice, as if there was someone around to overhear. “Look. You’re a dude. I’m a dude.” Cronus gave a shrug like the next part was obvious.

Kankri wrinkled his face in his confusion.

“Look, you don’t want to date or anything. I respect that. But… we can still… you know _help each other out_.”

Dawning horror washed over Kankri.

“I mean, not everything has to be like, serious business all the time, you know? We can just be, you know, two cats hangin’ out, maybe watch some skin-flicks seeing where the night takes us, you dig? Like… no strings or anything.”

‘ _He is inviting me to be his casual sex partner._ ’ Flabbergasted, Kankri sputtered. “I… uh…”

Cronus put both his hands up. “Oh chief, you don’t have to decide right now or anything. I mean, sleep on it. But know that your Captain is here for you should you need to some, you know, _mutual meditation_.” He waggled his eyebrows.

‘ _Wow._ ’ Kankri blinked. “I… I don’t—“

“Know how to best say ‘thank you for the generous offer Cronus?’ No problem chief. Just, you know, gimme the sign if you ever get too spun up.” He flicked the butt of his joint into the ocean.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that.” Kankri mumbled.

“Do what?”

‘ _Make things weird. Make things weirder than this whole fucking trip has been already…_ ’ he thought. “Litter.”

Cronus threw his hands up, “Do you know how big the ocean is? I mean, we’re basically walking through the world’s biggest ashtray.”

To Kankri’s relief, Cronus seemed too high to realize the walk back as awkward. Instead, the man seemed entranced by the rustles of wind stirring the beach grass and cattails covering the dunes. Even if he wasn’t high, Kankri wondered if Cronus would have cared. Cronus’s life seemed to be one long awkward moment punctuated by moments of sleep.

Back at the house, the pair hosed off their feet and went inside. Hand on the banister at the base of the stairs, Kankri noticed the light coming from the bottom of his bedroom door at the end of the hall. ‘ _I know I turned that light out…_ ’

It clicked.

He spun and looked into Cronus’s red, puffy eyes, “You know… I’m actually feelin’ kind of tired. I think I may skip the movie and just… go and settle in bed with a book for a bit.” He cleared his throat. “By myself.”

Cronus smiled. “Of course babe. And you know…” He snapped his fingers and gave Kankri matching finger-guns. “ _Meditation._ ”

Kankri watched as Cronus moved unsteadily up the stairs and out of view. Slowly, trying to not make noise, Kankri walked back down the stairs, down the hall towards the sliver of light. He hovered outside, hand inches away from the brass doorknob, listening.

Silence.

The handle creaked as he turned it, inching the door open just wide enough to step in.

The man in his bed purred without looking up from his phone, “I was wondering when you would get back.” He reached to his right and grabbed the rock glass off the desk, took a sip.

Kankri pressed his back against the door until he heard it click in place. He exhaled slowly. “Why are you in my bed?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

The light from Dualscar’s phone flicked off. Dualscar sighed. “Oh Kankri, I’m disappointed. We were making such good progress on you working things out for yourself last night.”

Kankri swallowed, dropped his voice and whispered. “What if I had brought Cronus in here?”

Dualscar raised an eyebrow and, in a contemptuous register, asked, “Are you entertaining other nightly visitors?”

Looking down at his still wet feet, Kankri mumbled, “No, I just…”

“Because if you are, I think that you should know that I can be very… competitive.”

Kankri swallowed, his mind racing. “I… I think we got off to a wrong start here.”

“Hrm… maybe you’re right,” responded the elder Vantas before taking another sip of his drink. He set it back down and cleared his throat. “Let’s start over shall we? Let me set the scene for you… I am sitting here, enjoying my beverage, looking in on my investments, in the house that I rented for the enjoyment of my family and their guests, and you… you just got back from doing whatever it is that you and Cronus do when you go for walks that you think I don’t know about.”

Kankri rubbed the back of his neck. “We don’t do anything.”

Dualscar rolled his eyes and sighed. “Oh _please_ , do you think I’m dumb?”

Kankri whimpered. “No.”

He took another slow sip, swallowed, then continued, “I don’t really care what you do one way or another Kankri.” He smiled his white headstone teeth, “All I want is for you to be able to relax a bit, _unwind_ some. But just don’t think that I don’t know what’s going on inside my own house.” He shrugged, “And besides, I didn’t say that what you two were doing out there was _bad_. Just offered the observation that I might know more than you think I do.”

When Kankri didn’t respond after a few seconds, Dualscar took it as a sign to continue. “And anyways, it’s probably good for you to be honest.” He got up from the bed and strode towards Kankri.

Kankri pressed his weight back against the door as if he was trying to keep an angry mob on the other side out.

Dualscar reached out and brushed the hair out of Kankri’s eyes. “You seem a bit… high-strung. Look at you, even now. Practically ready to fall to pieces. And here I am, offering to help you relax again tonight; to help you with an itch I that I can tell you’ve wanted so desperately to scratch.”

Kankri tried concentrating on his breath. ‘ _What does it feel like to be at this place called here and now?_ ’

Dualscar ran his left hand along Kankri’s cheek, tracing his delicate jaw line. “It’s okay. Just because you won’t admit you have certain feelings doesn’t mean we can’t do something about them.”

A small cry escaped Kankri’s mouth.

Reveling, Dualscar crooned, “Oh, you poor thing, you can’t even control yourself. I can’t imagine how badly you must need this.” His right hand snaked down under the waistband of Kankri’s shorts.

His breath faltered as vultures pecked at his heart.

Dualscar sulked. “Oh, but Kankri… do please tell me what you want. Should I keep going? Or should I wander off upstairs to bed?”

Kankri’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Please…”

Dualscar grinned, giving his engorged member a gentle squeeze. “Yessssss?”

“… don’t stop.”

“Well… since you insist.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

As the large form stepped behind him, Kankri felt as though he was reaching the top of a rollercoaster and was seconds away from going over. ‘ _I recognize the feeling I am having as nervousness. It’s okay to be nervous. Nervousness helps us. Nervousness gives us strength._ _And I know what I’m doing. I know what I’m doing.’_

Fingers curled around Kankri's waistband and slid his shorts and underwear down his wiry frame. The evening air caused goosebumps to break out over his legs. A hand marred by years of shipwork circled his cock and began a slow, whole-note violin stroke.  

“You are so hard,” the deep voice murmured into his ears.

“Mmmm…” Kankri intoned, relaxing into the touch. A hairy arm curled around his ribcage, fingers extending to stroke the tender divot in the middle of his chest. Kankri wondered if the fingers might press through his skin, reach under his ribcage and take hold of his beating heart.

“Who am I?”

“Hrmm?” Kankri mumbled, dream-like.

“I just… want you to feel as though you call me whatever you need to Kankri...”

The hands worked with a washing machine rhythm.

The voice whispered in his ear, “Professor… coach… _daddy_ …”

Lightning arced through Kankri’s body, its cold tendrils reaching to his fingers and toes. Freefall.

The voice, calm and flat continued, matter of fact, “We can take care of… _whatever_ … you might need.”

Not nervousness now. Fear.

Kankri tried to push the prompt away—to zoom out and get distance from whatever response was making its way through the gears of his mind. There was fear there, yes. Fear of his own answer. Far off, he watched his mouth open, feeling like a passenger inside his own body. “Mr. Ampora.” He heard himself say.

“Mr. Ampora… Mr. Ampora…” Dualscar sang in a sing-song voice. He sighed, “It’s just missing a certain _je ne sais quois_ don’t you think?”

“That’s not—”

Dualscar interrupted. “No, of course not Kankri. _Never._ Mr. Ampora it is. I’m glad we can come to an understanding _._ ” He turned Kankri around. “Now that we have that straight, why don't you get on your knees...”

Kankri was only vaguely aware of the hands on his body, encouraging him down. Instead, he was consumed by slamming his entire mental weight against the Pandora's box Dualscar had tripped open in his brain.

Dualscar palmed his waistband down, exposing a swollen, rigid erection. He took hold of himself and lined up millimeters away from Kankri's lips. “Show me how much you want this.”

Kankri shut his eyes as his blood ran cold with resentment. It wasn't quite resentment for Dualscar. It was resentment of himself for wanting the man.

He parted his lips.

Dualscar cursed under his breath as he pushed his cockhead past pink lips into the open orifice. His fingers, trembling ever so slightly, curled around the back of Kankri’s skull, pulling the man forward to take more. Kankri put both hands on Dualscar’s hips to keep himself stable and upright, and to brace against being speared outright. Dualscar let out a long, contented sigh as he worked more of his throbbing hardness into the warmth of Kankri's cavity. “That’s good Kankri. Take it in.”

Fever burned Kankri’s mouth and throat. Distant, he watched himself feed—gorge.

Dualscar rocked his hips back and forth into Kankri’s face. “Ah, just like that... Just. Like. That.”

Jaw aching, Kankri concentrated on the feeling of breath entering his body when Dualscar pulled back. ‘ _What does your body feel like at the place called here and now?_ ’

Dualscar’s thrusts came in rougher, more uncontrolled. “Oh _fuck_ , you’re a nasty cocksucker.”

Kankri pushed forward, sinking himself full down on Dualscar. He opened his eyes and looked up at the man. A recognition of unspoken hunger passed between them. A sneer scrawled across Dualscar’s face as the man breathed in hard. Then, a splash hit the back of Kankri’s throat. Another.

Dualscar bucked with each pulse, spilling down Kankri’s gullet. Then, slowly, as the spurts waned, he slid his softening cock from Kankri’s mouth. The elder Ampora released his hand from the back of Kankri’s head and ran it down Kankri’s jawline, down to his chin. He tilted Kankri’s head upwards.

Kankri’s eyes watered as his throat muscles pushed the remaining bitterness down.

The elder Ampora looked down at the wrecked mound of skin, muscle, and bone. He pursed his lips and sighed contentedly and ruffled the man’s hair. “Can you stand up?” he asked.

Dizzy, Kankri almost fell backwards as he came to his feet. But Dualscar took hold of him under his armpits and helped him up. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He whispered low. “I’ve got you now.”

Kankri sucked in air, exhausted physically, mentally. He collapsed against Dualscar, his head resting on his broad chest.

The low voice purred, “Why don’t you go lay down on the bed.”

Kankri floated to the bed in an endorphin haze. Dualscar followed right behind.

Kankri closed his eyes as his head splashed into the pillow. Second later, he let out a low, pathetic moan as a wet warmth caressed his cock. He bit his lower-lip to shut himself up and clutched the sheet under him in both hands. Then, he was a ship on the high sea being rocked back and forth by the waves of the ocean, the tidal pull of the moon.

Sweat formed on Kankri’s forehead like in a fever dream. His chest rose and fell, rose and fell.

The sounds of Dualscar humming through a mouthful were followed seconds later by meteors shooting across the inside of Kankri’s eyelids.

Kankri squinted down as Dualscar came off of his glistening cock. The man licked his lips, then moved up to lie down next to Kankri.

They both sat there on the bed, silent. Just the sound of breathing filling the room.

The resentment inside Kankri had passed. In its place stood something new and different. Exhaustion. Catharsis. He turned over to look at Dualscar, who was staring at the door, his eyes unfocused, glassy. The far off look of someone who was daydreaming. Or drunk. Or both. He reached over and rubbed Dualscar’s arm. “Hey, uh, that was…” ‘ _Kind of_ _messed up._ ’ “…nice.”

Dualscar smiled, pleased with the complement. He reached over and grabbed his drink off the nightstand, knocked back the watered down remains. “I’m going to freshen up my drink. You want anything?”

“No, I’m okay.”

Dualscar scooted off the bed, found his shorts on the floor, and exited the room without a glance back. Falling asleep in the afterglow a few minutes later, Kankri was spared knowing that Dualscar did not return that night.

\------

The phone sang its chipper alarm at seven A.M. on the dot. Time to get up and run. Kankri groaned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He reached out, grabbed the phone, and fumbled to make the noise stop. The quiet of early morning returned and Kankri slunk face-first back into the pillow. His body felt tired and worn. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep. There would be no run this morning.

Kankri woke a few hours later to the sound of the ceiling creaking. People were walking around upstairs. He looked over at his phone and discovered he had managed to sleep until 11:30. It felt like the height of hedonism.

He yawned and stretched, and then thought back to last night. A twinge of guilt filled his belly—he tensed against it but found he could no longer push back the ever-present voice of his internal critic. ‘ _You know what you are doing together is massive inappropriate. How is this possibly healthy? In what universe is this a good idea? What possible positive benefit do you expect to get from this?_ ’

He tossed in the bed and sighed, exhausted by his own indignatious self-evaluation. It was time to shower and get the day started.

\------

Sweet smells of a cooked breakfast hovered in the air upstairs. Danny and Equius sat at the kitchen table, picking over plates of food as Dualscar and Cronus jointly oversaw the food frying on the stove. Looking over his shoulder at the noise from the stairs, Cronus spotted Kankri.

“Mornin’ chief. Pops is making French toast. How many pieces you want? Five or ten?”

Dualscar turned his head up from the skillet and looked over to Kankri, corners of his mouth turning up in a Cheshire cat smile.

Kankri’s cheeks felt flush. “Two is fine.”

Dualscar turned back to the skillet. “Only two? You still full from last night?”

Kankri’s eyes widened. “Two is plenty, thank you.”

Cronus asked, “How’d you sleep?”

Kankri watched Dualscar’s posture as he responded. “Oh, uh, well enough I guess. You?” There was no change. The man was cool and even-keeled.

“I was out like a light. Ghosts aren’t still bothering you are they?”

Dualscar interjected, “Ghosts?”

“Oh that’s just a little in joke.” Cronus answered.

‘ _Yes. A little in joke._ ’ Kankri thought. “No, uh, no ghosts.”

Danny looked up from his plate of half eaten food and groaned. “Oh _MY GOD_. Why don’t you two just get married already?!?”

“Why don’t you shut your mouth you little shit-heap?” Cronus shot back.

Dualscar turned around and chided. “Boys, boys. Manners.”

Danny stuck out his tongue at Cronus, who, in turn, curled his face into a sneer. Kankri cleared his throat, trying to derail the argument. “So, umm, what’s on the agenda for today?”

The piece of French toast sizzled as Dualscar flipped it over and pressed it down into the pan.

“Well, Pops is gonna run to the grocery store to get some things for dinner. Get this, says he’s gonna make a leg of lamb with lavender and rosemary. I mean, _shit_.”

Danny piped up, “You promised to you would make _me_ something.”

Dualscar let out an annoyed grunt in Danny’s direction. “I can’t believe you are turning your nose up at lamb. _My lamb_.”

“It’s all gross and bloody and weird,” Danny retorted.

“You don’t know how good you have it with me kiddo,” Dualscar said in a snide tone. “Why don’t you just come to the grocery store and pick out what _you_ want for dinner since you are so goddamn picky?”

Danny nodded his head vigorously at the suggestion. “Yes. God. _Finally._ ”

Kankri added, “You don’t have to worry about me. I can just make myself a salad or something.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “That is the most passive-aggressive self-martyring bullshit.” He mimicked Kankri’s speech pattern, “‘Oh, you all go and eat your meal, I’ll just go outside and eat some dirt.’”

Kankri scowled at Cronus, feeling surprisingly hurt by the jibe. ‘ _Am I really that much of a pain?_ ’ “I wasn’t being facetious, I’m quite capable of cooking for myself you know.”

Dualscar turned back and scooped two slices of French toast on to a plate. “Of course you are. But what kind of host would I be if I let you do that?” He extended his arm, offering the plate to Kankri.

\------

“Are you seriously getting high at like, one in the afternoon?”

Cronus lit the joint and inhaled, held the smoke in for a second, the blew it out in Kankri’s direction in spite. “Chief, chill out. They aren’t going to be back for a few hours and it’s our last day here. Jeez, just let me smoke up and then we’ll get in the water. Don’t get your panties all in a fuckin’ twist.”

He looked down the beach. He could see figures far off the distance, but they had to be at least a third of a mile away. ‘ _See, nothing to worry about. You are being overly anxious._ ’ “You just smoke an awful lot.”

Cronus made a face. “I smoke exactly the right amount.”

Kankri reminded himself. ‘ _He’s just trying to cope_.’ Kankri’s mind flashed to the glass of scotch that seemed permanently attached to Dualscar’s hand past 5:00 P.M. ‘ _And what is his father coping with?_ ’

“So what are you taking next semester?” Cronus asked.

“Well, I’m signed up for three sociology classes, one on social justice and human rights, another on globalization, and one on gender and organizations. But I’m guessing the gender and organizations class is going to essentially be a repeat of another class I took already. Still, I’m really looking forward to those. Then I’m taking a class on power, violence, and colonialism from the history department, which should be pretty good. Oh, and I’ve got to finish out my last gen-ed requirements for math. I’m in some kind of introduction to statistics class.” He made a face. “I mean, math is fine, just not my thing.”

“Heh, me either chief. Those other classes sound like a doozy though. That’s some heavy shit.”

Kankri nodded. “Yeah, but that’s the world we live in. Still, the classes probably won’t be too hard. I begged the sociology department to let me sit in on some of their graduate courses so I could get in to some deeper stuff, but they said no.”

“Why’s that? You’re probably smarter than the cats they’ve got teaching it!” Cronus exclaimed.

Kankri paused. “You think I’m smart?”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Jegus Kankri.” He took a drag on his joint, paused, exhaled. “You’re like, _Mr. Discourse_.”

‘ _Mr. Discourse?_ ’ Kankri cleared his throat. “What about you, what are you taking?”

“Oh fuck me, I don’t have a clue. Haven’t signed up yet.”

Kankri squinted. “What do you mean you haven’t signed up? You were supposed to do that at the end of the semester after you met with your academic advisor.”

“Advisor?”

“What do you mean ‘ _advisor_ ’? You aren’t meeting with yours a couple of times a semester?”

“You sound like my dad.”

The word pinged him like a tuning fork. ‘ _Mr. Ampora.’_ Kankri shook his head to drive out the thought. “Well, if I sound like your father, it’s because I want you to do well and go on to do amazing things in the world.”

“Aww chief, that was almost inspirational.” Cronus wiped a mock tear from the corner of his eye, and then took another drag.

Kankri rolled his eyes. “College costs a lot of money! You should be making use of your time there!”

“Oh god, now you really do sound like him.”

Kankri grumbled and frowned. “Well, if you are looking for some good classes to take, I’d suggest you check-out the sociology department’s offerings. I’ve taken some of the best courses I’ve had there.” He paused. “What are you majoring in anyways?”

“Oh, I thought you knew? I’m in business.”

Kankri blinked. “Oh.”

“Yup, Dad said he’d pay for school as long as I majored in business. So that’s that.” Cronus took a final drag and then snubbed the roach into the sand. “You ready to go _swammin_ ’?” he asked in mock southern accent.

As Kankri stood up, he queried. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

They stepped towards the surf. “Danny said something yesterday about your Dad being in AA?”

Cronus blinked, confused. “He’s not in AA.”

“Yeah, but Danny just mentioned—“

Cronus jumped in, defensively. “He doesn’t have a drinking problem.”

“No, I mean, I didn’t think so…” ‘ _Yes he does._ ’ “…but it was just, kind of an odd statement.”

“Did he say who gave him this idea?”

‘ _Welp, you’ve stepped on another Ampora family landmine. Good work._ ’ “Oh, I think it was just a passing thing.”

“That doesn’t sound like a passing thing.” Cronus said flatly.

“… it may have been something he heard from your Mom.”

“Goddamnit. What a piece of work. I mean she’s really just turned him against us. Danny didn’t used to be such a goddamn royal asshole until she got custody. She’s just fucking poisoning him.”

‘ _Got custody?_ ’ “Hey, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, no chief. It’s okay. I’m glad you did. I ought to tell him so he knows what she’s up to.” He paused, seeming to consider the new fact. “It’s… it’s just amazing how much a parent can fuck a kid up.”  

Kankri offered, “I mean, maybe she didn’t mean it in a manipulative way. You know how you can just totally misinterpret stuff when you are younger.”

“Trust me. This is some manipulative bullshit she’s tryin’ to pull. Argh, _goddamnit_. Sorry chief. I’m just. I’m just still fired up after all the shit that happened when we came down here, you know? Like, she can’t even treat me like I’m me. Like, I can only be this idea that she has of me. And that’s all I can ever be. And it’s the same shit with Pops you know? Like, she has this idea that he’s this nasty, vicious, evil guy. But it’s not fuckin’ reality! So she has to manipulate Danny so _he_ sees it all her way. _Fuck._ ” Cronus turned and began digging in his tote bag. “Sorry, I just need a smoke. Fuck. She totally ruined the nice buzz I had going and she’s a hundred miles away.”

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to set you off like this.” He watched Cronus as he popped a cigarette in his mouth. Something clicked in his head. ‘ _Smoking mimics the deep breathing of mindful meditative practice. That’s why he smokes. He's triggering an anti-anxiety reflex that’s slowing his mind._ ’  

Cronus shook his head, sighed. “I just really hate this shit. I hate how fucked up everything has gotten. And here I thought you were gonna ask me something fun too! Like, ‘who do you think has the best butt in all of Hollywood?’ Which, by the way, fact—is John Travolta in his prime.”

‘ _He’s trying to lighten the situation and change the subject. Play along._ ’ Kankri blinked. “I… don’t know who that is.”

“You don’t know who John Travlota is?!?”

“I mean, I’ve heard his name before.”

“But you’ve seen Grease right?”

“Uhhh…”

Cronus ran his hands down the sides of his face. “Kankri, buddy. Pal. Tell me you’ve seen Grease.”

“I… have… not.”

Cronus slapped his forehead. “Oh boy. This day. You think ‘no way can this get any worse.’”

Kankri rolled his eyes. “That’s a little dramatic.”

Cronus put his arm to his head, mocking a fainting-spell. “I think… I think I may need to sit down.”

“You are such a ham.”

“It’s not right Kankri. You live in a goddamn hole in the ground. We are changing this _to-night_. We are watching Grease _to-fucking-night_.” He took a quick drag on his cigarette, then flicked it away. “And you are gonna fuckin’ love it.”

\------

The clan returned from the grocery store an hour later, but only Danny and Equius came to the beach. Danny passed along the message that Dad needed to marinate the lamb, so he was going to spend the afternoon at the house getting things ready.

Cronus licked his lips. “Oh man, this is gonna be so good.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “It’s so gross. You know he makes it like, super bloody.”

Cronus threw his head back in mock-ecstasy. “I’m gonna let it run down my chin.”

Kankri guffawed. “That’s awful.”

Cronus shook his head. “You have no idea chief. No idea. I would eat it every day for breakfast if I could. It would be my bacon and eggs. Except lamb.” He paused, then added, now unsure of his train of thought. “… and not, like, actually bacon and eggs.”

Danny gave the two a quizzical look, then decided he was done with the conversation and swam off.

Kankri kicked into a lazy backstroke. He began to think about the upcoming year. It was going to be a big one: a year of transition. Last year of classes. Last year of being an RA. Graduating. Hopefully finding a job. Getting his own place. Doing whatever came next. Being in the real-world.  ‘ _And all you have to do is figure out what it is you want,_ ’ his internal critic complained.

Cronus asked, “Hey, does that cloud look like a dick to you?”

\------

After cleaning up from the beach, Kankri came upstairs, book in tow, to what had become the central hub of the house, the kitchen-television area. As he scanned the space, he saw the backside of the elder Ampora. Dualscar seemed immersed in his task, stirring something in one of the three pots he had going on the stove. Kankri found his seat next to Cronus at the kitchen table. He looked down at his book, realizing he had made virtually zero progress while here. ‘ _Well, I suppose I can catch up when I get home…_ ’

Cronus looked up from his phone. “Grease is on Netflix so we are set for tonight.”

Kankri nodded his head absently as his eyes drifted up to gaze at the form in kitchen—the form in its snug black t-shirt, the form and its broad, muscular shoulders. The corners of Kankri’s mouth turned up in a smile. “Sounds like a plan.”

Cronus turned his head towards the two bodies planted on the couch. “Hey Danny, can we get Netflix through that TV?”

Danny looked down at the remote. “I don’t think so. There’s no button for it.”

Cronus pursed his lips. “Hrm. We may have to watch it on my phone then. Sorry.”

Kankri shrugged. “It’s okay, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. I want you to get the full experience y’know? There’s just so much to take in.” With a dreamy look in his eye, he continued. “The clothes, the cars… Travolta’s dimples.”

Without turning from the TV, Danny called back, “ _Gross._ ”

Cronus rolled his eyes at Kankri, the universal symbol of ‘do you see what I have to put up with?’

Looking back over the couch towards the kitchen, Danny moaned. “Uuuuuuunnngh, when is dinner going to be ready?!? I’m soooo hungrrry…..”

Dualscar responded without turning away from his task. “Well, the lamb went into the oven an hour ago, so it just needs another ten minutes or so to finish up. I’m making the rosemary and lavender pan-sauce now. The mac-n-cheese you were _ever so insistent upon_ should be done in about fifteen, and Kankri’s should be done in about twenty.”

An agonized groan came from the couch.

“It’ll be ready soon enough. You need to learn to be patient.” Dualscar remarked while taking out a cutting board and putting a large Vidalia onion on it.  

Danny groaned. “My stomach is eating itself.” He poked Equius in the shoulder. “Go get me a banana so I don’t die.”

Equius made a face. “Don’t die Danny!”

“Then get me something to eat.”

Equius got up from the couch and headed into the kitchen, towards the fruit bowl on the counter. But the small kitchen galley was not wide enough to accommodate two bodies.

“Excuse me Mr. Ampora, I’m just gonna grab a banana real quick.”

“Dinner will be ready in just twenty minutes. Just hold your horses.” Dualscar responded, not looking up from his careful dissection of the onion.

“But Danny says he’s gonna die!” Equius said with some urgency, shifting from side to side.

“And I said just hold on a minute. I’m in the middle of something right now, so if you can just—”

Equius ignored the statement and tried to go around Dualscar, knocking into the man as he reached for the fruit bowl.

“ **FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”**

All heads had turned to Dualscar as he rushed towards the sink, flipping the water on in a wild motion.

Equius froze, banana in his grip. “Are you okay?”

Dualscar turned to Equius, body poised like a feral animal. “ **YOU LITTLE FUCKING CUNT!”** He pulled his hand out of the water. Blood streamed down his hand from the cut across his index and middle fingers.

“I was… just getting something for Danny.” Equius blabbered, tears welling in his eyes.

Inferno embodied, Dualscar turned to Danny **. “I FUCKING TOLD YOU YOUR FOOD WAS ALMOST DONE YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT! YOU COULDN’T WAIT TWENTY GODDAMN MINUTES!”** Dualscar grabbed hold of the saucepan of mac-n-cheese and hurled it across the room, sending yellow pasta elbows flying every direction. The pan whipped five feet from Danny’s head and smashed into the wall with a loud – _ **KLANG**_ _-_. Florescent sludge sprayed out across the wallpaper, over the carpet, some sticking to the TV.  

In a flash, Danny jumped from the couch and sprinted down the hallway. Cronus was up like a bolt, stepping in his father’s path as Danny slammed his bedroom door and clicked the lock. “ _Whoa whoa_! Pops. Chill. Chill. It’s okay. He knows he fucked up. You don’t want to give Mom any ammunition here.”

Dualscar sucked in breath through gritted teeth as blood continued to pour down his arm.

The sounds of Dualscar’s heavy breathing and Equius’s sobs filled the room.

“I’m… I’m really sorry Mr. Am—” Equius blathered.

“Shut up and go clean that up,” spat Dualscar, the fury in his voice now subsiding.

‘ _Holy shit._ ’ Kankri blinked, stunned. ‘ _Holy shit. He just threw a pan of boiling food at his son._ ’

Dualscar examined his hand. Now calm, he remarked “I don’t think its deep enough to need stitches. Cronus, there’s a first aid kit in the hallway closet, can you go grab that?”

Cronus nodded. “Yeah, sure thing Pops.”

Dualscar looked at Equius. “Kid. Go clean Danny’s mess up.” He pointed to the overturned pan of mac-n-cheese in the corner of the room.

‘ _Danny’s mess. That’s what he just called it. Danny’s mess. Jesus Christ._ ’ Kankri stood up, his voice cracking, “I’ll get it.” He wandered over to the closet, looked through it for a mop or a dustpan. ‘ _What am I supposed to use to clean mac n’ cheese off the wall?_ ’

Cronus came back and handed the kit to Dualscar.

Dualscar gave a gruff sigh. “I’m going to go fix this up in my bathroom. Cronus, can you watch the food? The lamb needs to come out in about ten. Make sure it temps out at 135 degrees. Stick some foil over it when you take it out. I may be a few minutes.”

“Yeah, sure thing.”

Dualscar turned to Kankri. “Yours is going to take a bit longer now, sorry about that.”

Kankri kept looking through the closet, not wanting to look at the man. He no longer felt hungry.

\------

A lifeless mass swam in gore and congealing fat, centered in the serving dish next to Dualscar. Dualscar reached over, cut off a chunk, and forked it onto Cronus’s plate. Kankri watched as Cronus dug in, a hyena stripping the remains of a zebra.

“Equius, hand me your plate please.” Dualscar said flatly.

Equius, head bowed, stared down at the table. He mumbled, “Mr. Ampora, can I go to my room please?”

“What happened? You were putting it away like you have a hollow-leg the other day. Don’t you like lamb?” Dualscar inquired.

“Yes sir, but, I’m… I’m just not very hungry right now.”

Kankri wondered if the boy was going to throw up.

Dualscar rolled his eyes. “Fine. Go to your room.”

Without a word, Equius got up from the table, leaving just Dualscar, Cronus, and Kankri. Danny had not come out of his room, nor had he been called.

Cheeks stuffed with meat, Cronus spat, “More for us. It’s delic-h-ious by the way.”

Dualscar sighed. “They don’t know what they are missing. I’m telling you, I’m wasting my money on them. And I spend all my time and energy prepping this meal, for what? They don’t even appreciate it.”

“Well I appreciate it.” Cronus added.

Dualscar cut off another large chunk off the leg and put it on his plate. “When you drop Danny off tomorrow, be sure to tell his mother how awful he’s been on this trip.”

Cronus shook his head. “I’m not telling her shit. I’m gonna throw ‘em out the car without slowing down if I can.” He took another bite, chewed twice, swallowed. “She tried to pick a fight with me when I picked ‘em up.”

Dualscar rubbed his temple. “Typical. Absolutely typical.”

“Yeah, it was some bullshit too. Still tryin’ to call me by a name that isn’t mine.”

Dualscar sighed. “It’s been two and a half years.”

“I know right? Like seriously.”

“You know it’s a control thing. It’s always a control thing with her.”

Cronus nodded. He looked over at Kankri’s plate. “How’s yours?”

“Hrm?” he asked. He looked down, realizing he’d spent this whole time studying their interactions, replaying all of the vastly problematic behavior he’d witnessed in this past hour. He picked up his spoon and scooped some of the lentil concoction from his bowl. It was thick like stew, topped with some kind of cheese. He brought it mechanically to his mouth. The sweet taste of sautéed carrots and onions hit his tongue. ‘ _Dualscar is a violent and abusive alcoholic._ ’ Rosemary. ‘ _Cronus is a sycophantic drug-addict._ ’ The umami of mushrooms. ‘ _But he kept Dualscar from going totally off the deep end. That’s got to be worth something._ ’ The tang of tomatoes. ‘ _And is it really his fault he’s in this messed up situation? He kind of has to rely on him._ ’ The richness added by red-wine. ‘ _No… no he doesn’t, they’re both adults, they should know better than this._ ’ He swallowed. ‘ _And Danny, that kid. No wonder his habits are so strange._ ’ A different voice piped up, the one that spoke when the critical lens, as it always was want to do, turned back on him. ‘ _And what are you in this Kankri? You just stood by and watched it happen._ ’

He swallowed, looked at Dualscar. “It’s good.”

Dualscar nodded, as if the question was ever in doubt. “So do you all have any evening plans? Going to go for another walk on the beach?” he asked.

Cronus shrugged, “Maybe? Was thinking about it.”

“Mind if I come along? Wouldn’t mind spending some quality time with the two of you.”

Kankri’s eyes widened. He blurted out, “Cronus and I are going to watch Grease.”

“Oh.” Dualscar responded flatly. He cleared his throat. “Haven’t you seen that about a thousand times now Cronus?”

Cronus rolled his eyes, “Aww, I mean, maybe one or two hundred times, tops. But the book worm over here’s never seen it.”

“Really?” Dualscar asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

Kankri stared at the bandages on Dualscar’s left hand. “No... just never got around to it.”

“Well, what do you know.” Dualscar turned to Cronus, remarking, “I remember the first time we watched it. You remember that?”

Cronus laughed. “I asked you to buy me a leather jacket the next day.” He turned to Kankri, “And he did! I was the only freshman at North Creek High with a leather jacket. Pretty bad-ass.”

Dualscar continued. “You’ve stayed true to that look, I’ll give you that.”

Cronus nodded, “That whole… look and feel, oh man, it’s just… it’s just the cat’s pajamas.”

‘ _The cat’s pajamas?_ ’ Kankri thought. ‘ _Isn’t that from the flapper era?_ ’ He cleared his throat. “So uh, Cronus. Should we head to your room to watch it then?”

Cronus blinked and looked up at Kankri. Kankri could see the wheels turning in Cronus’s head. He could see exactly what Cronus was reading into that question.

“Er, uh, yeah chief. I was just gettin’ full anyways.”

Dualscar sat back in his chair. “You two better not be leaving me with all the dishes.”

“No no, we’ll take care of ‘em later.”

\------

Cronus jumped onto the king-sized bed as Kankri shut the door behind him. Splaying out, Cronus waggled his eyebrows. “So you finally couldn’t take it anymore. You finally needed to get a piece of the ol’ C. Ampora before we left?”

Kankri squinted, “Uh… not exactly. Could we… talk for a second?”

Cronus sat up. “Sure, what’s up?”

Kankri paused, not sure where to begin. “What your dad did… that was not cool.”

“What the mac-n-cheese thing? I thought it was pretty funny.”

“That was abuse.”

Cronus waived a hand. “What are you going on about? That wasn’t abuse. That was him responding to that mongoloid bumping into him and causing him to cut himself. We’re lucky we didn’t have to call fucking 911.”

“He threw a pot of scalding food at Danny’s head.”

“He threw a pot at the wall. It wasn’t even close to Danny.”

Kankri shook his head. “That’s not a normal reaction.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Look chief, not all of us repress every single one of our feelings. That shit’s not good for you. So what if he threw a pan? Didn’t hurt nobody. And that little shit totally knocked into him while he was cutting. I mean, who does that?”

Kankri couldn’t believe this line of reasoning. “Does he do this regularly?”

“Aw, man. No. He doesn’t. And before you ask, he’s never hit any of us. Never hit Mom, even when things were shitty. I mean, they shouted at each other and used to throw things around, but that’s like, normal family stuff.”

“That’s not normally family stuff.”

“Yeah, so you saying we’re not normal?” An edge now in Cronus’s voice.

“No, I mean, it’s normal to get angry, but that was over the line.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “You’re overreacting.”

‘ _Am I overreacting?_ ’ he thought. ‘ _No… this isn’t normal. It isn’t right._ ’ But truth be told, he didn’t have a good comparison case. His brother was filled with the same kind of rage. And while he didn’t throw things at people, he had certainly broken a few game controllers and seemed to be constantly screaming or yelling. ‘ _But Karkat is also a child._ ’ “I don’t think it’s overreacting.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Did cleaning all that mac-n-cheese off the wall trigger you?”

Kankri crossed his arms. “It did not trigger me, but violent outbursts like that could really be potentially triggering for many.”

Cronus sighed. “Did you want to come to my room just to lecture me about something I didn’t do?”

A twinge of guilt passed through Kankri. “No… I just… wanted to get some space from your dad.”

“Why’s that?”

“I just… got kind of scared I guess.”

Cronus collapsed against the bed. “Oh my god. Chief. You got no reason to be scared of him ya’ big fraidy cat.”

Kankri bit the side of his cheek and looked away.

Cronus shook his head. “Okay. So you wanna watch the movie or what?”

\------

As the end credits rolled, Kankri’s eyes glazed over. “That…” he started.

“Was so fuckin’ good right?!?”

“Uh…”

Cronus looked to Kankri. “Oh chief. Don’t tell me you didn’t like it.”

‘ _He was built so much of his persona around this aesthetic. Think of something positive to say._ ’ “You were right, uh, John Travlota is very handsome in that movie.”

“Aww, see, I knew I liked you. How’d you dig the music?”

Kankri flashed back to Cronus singing along to every musical number in a low, off-key voice; like he couldn’t help but compulsively do it. “Oh… it was… okay.”

“And, oh man, when Sandy shows up all different at the end?”

“The gender roles in the movie seemed a bit… dated.”

Cronus dismissed the comment. “Well, it’s a movie of its time.”

“When was it made?”

“Oh, I dunno.”

“Ah.” Kankri nodded.

“But, I mean, it was period appropriate.” Cronus added.

“It was basically toxic masculinity: The movie.”

Cronus frowned. “Aww, chief, why you gotta ruin everything? Why can’t you just enjoy somethin’ for what it is. Like, turn that analysis off for like, two seconds, you know? You’d probably be a lot happier.”

The comment, though meant in a light-hearted way, pierced Kankri unexpectedly. “I guess that’s fair. But still. They just showed a male character trying to look up women’s dresses, and everyone laughed about it. That seems really problematic.”

“See, this is exactly what I mean. It’s a movie. It’s not real.”

Kankri gave a non-committal groan and shifted on the bed. Outside, he could hear the television going. He hadn’t heard Danny or Equius come out of their rooms, so that left one possibility of who was watching it. ‘ _If you leave, it’s going to mean walking right by him to get downstairs._ ’ “Maybe we could watch another movie?”

“Sure! Let me think here…” He paused. “You ever seen Drive?”

“No?”

“It may not totally be your thing, but Ryan Rosling is in it, and he’s like, so goddamn handsome.”

“I don’t know who that is.”

Cronus looked up to the ceiling and let out a deep, pained sigh. “Oh Kankri. I’m gonna have to revoke your queer card.”

Kankri pursed his lips. “Just because I don’t know who Ryan Gosling is doesn’t mean I’m not queer!”

“Chief. He’s _gorgeous_. And this movie, like. It is basically about him being pretty.”

“Really?”

“Well, no. It’s about him stealing a bunch of money and people trying to kill him. But he’s very pretty in it.”

“Ah.”

“Ok, lemme hit the head real quick before we start.” Cronus remarked as he hopped over Kankri and headed towards the door.

Kankri looked around the empty room, then noticed a small flash of movement from the crack of the open bedroom door. It was a small sliver of Dualscar, sitting on the couch. Kankri moved his head back and forth to try to put together a stereoscopic picture.

There was motion, and then a single eye stared right at Kankri.

With dawning horror, Kankri realized Dualscar was looking straight at him, and he was in Cronus’s bed. He quickly shifted away, out of view.

Seconds later, Cronus came back and shut the door.

“Alright, ready for round two?” he asked, too loudly for Kankri’s comfort.

Kankri cleared his throat. “Uhh…”

Cronus belly flopped onto the bed and reached for his phone. As he pulled up the movie, Kankri heard the TV outside shut off.

\------

Two hours later, Kankri sat stunned. “Well… that was violent.”

“But also, like, kind of hot right?”

“I mean… they were doing some kind of interesting things with the male gaze at least.”

“The male gaze?”

“That’s the way the camera always puts you in a stereotypically male point of view and makes women out as these objects that are really only there for the pleasure of male viewers.”

Cronus nodded, “Oh, I get it. Like, kinda how the movie tells you who you are supposed to think is hot?”

Kankri thought about it for a moment. “Sort of, I guess. But, in this case, the object of beauty and pleasure was actually a guy. Which is kind of unusual.”

“Huh. Guess that might be why I like it so much.” Cronus looked down at the time on the phone. It was almost one in the morning. “Well, I should probably be hitting the hay.”

‘ _Is he downstairs waiting for you right now?_ ’ Twinges of panic hit Kankri from all sides. “Hey, umm. Could… I sleep in here tonight?”

Cronus blinked, then reached up and slicked back his hair. “Uh, yeah, sure chief!” he said, a bit over-enthusiastically.

Kankri quickly added, “Just sleeping. This isn’t _meditation_.”

Cronus stuck his hands up. “Naw, naw. Of course. Just. Sleeping together. In the same bed. Because friends do that sometimes.”

“I will sleep on the floor.”

“Oh chief, there you go with that martyrdom bullshit again. You can sleep in the bed. I promise not to go all grabby hands in the middle of the night.”

Kankri felt embarrassed.

Cronus got a serious look on his face. “Are you really still that worried about the creepy sounds?”

‘ _Creepy sounds?_ ’ he thought. Then it clicked. Ghosts. “Oh, uh, yeah. I mean. You know, they’re just. Kind of…” He searched, unsure about what to say. “Spooky?”

\------

When the morning’s light stirred him from his sleep, Kankri noticed that the bed sheet was missing. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and looked over at Cronus. He lay there, curled up on his side, burritoed in the beige fabric, snoring. Kankri sighed. He reached to the floor and found his phone. Almost a quarter past ten. He flipped open his alarm app and realized he had forgotten to reset it after he had turned it off yesterday. ‘ _So much for one more run on the beach…_ ’

He got out of the bed and stretched, deciding to head down to his own room to pack. They had to be out of the house by noon and he still needed to shower. As he exited, he realized the house was eerily silent. In the kitchen, a pile of dirty dishes remained in the sink. No one else appeared to be up, despite it being so late in the morning. He went over to the stairs, stepping carefully down, trying to keep from making noise that might stir the home’s inhabitants.  

As he turned the handle to his room, he half expected Dualscar to be sitting there, in the bed, waiting for him, wolf in grandmother’s clothing. ‘ _Oh what big teeth you have Mr. Ampora._ ’ But instead, the room was empty. Then, he noticed the piece of paper atop his gym bag. He walked over and picked it up.

 

> “Kankri,
> 
> Missed you last night. I’ve been enjoying our little evening chats. I trust you have as well, although I understand if you also feel it necessary to entertain other offers for the sake of appearances. I’m taking off early this morning to get some work done at home. If you ever find yourself needing to 'chat,' drop me a line. 172-045-0091.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Mr. Ampora”

Absently, he folded the piece of paper up and stuck it in his pocket.

\------

As they pulled into Kankri’s driveway, Cronus turned to his co-pilot. “Alright chief. Home again, home again, jiggity-jig.” The drive back had been blissfully uneventful, despite the tension in the air. Danny and Equius sat in the back, silent, staring into their phones their entire time. Good to his word, Cronus had booted them out the car at Danny’s mother’s house, though he had magnanimously stopped the car before doing so.

Kankri smiled, feeling somewhat relieved to see his home. He turned to Cronus, “Thanks for inviting me along. I appreciate you thinking about me. I had a good time.” He paused, contemplating whether that was actually a true statement, then qualified it by saying, “Despite the weirdness.”

Graciously, Cronus smiled. “Pshaw, it was nothing. Happy to do it. You were a great second in command. It’s okay that you were a little weird.”

Kankri opened his mouth to clarify his statement, and then decided to just let it go.

Cronus continued, “And you know… feel free to give me a call if you, uh, want to come over and hang out at the pool. Or. You know.” Cronus shrugged, leaving the rest unsaid.  

“Ah. Yes. Um… thanks.” Kankri picked up his gym bag and stepped out of the car.

Cronus called after him. “Take it easy chief!”

Kankri closed the car door and watched as Cronus skidded his tires while backing out of the driveway, then tore ass down the street.

\------

Inside, the house felt warm and humid. Just as he had left it. He wandered into the kitchen, finding his father sitting at the table, looking over some paperwork.

“Hey Dad.” The word now felt heavy in his mouth, loaded with new connotation.

“Oh hey there Kanny. Welcome back. How was your little adventure?”

Kankri put his gym bag down on the floor. He could feel the sweat already starting to form on his brow, so he went over to the sink to fix a glass of water. “It was…” He paused, genuinely unsure about how to answer the question. “Different.”

The elder Vantas nodded. “Was the beach nice?”

“Oh, it was gorgeous.”

“Well, can’t say you missed much here. We’ve just been kind of hanging out.”

Kankri looked around. “So, uh. Did you get an air conditioner?”

“Oh, that! Yes. Can’t you tell?”

“To be honest, not really.”

“Oh, well, that might just be because you’ve been sitting in a car. But let me tell you, it has felt like the lap of luxury around here.”

“Where is it?” Kankri asked.

“Downstairs.”

“Downstairs?”

“Yes, in the den.”

“You mean Karkat’s den?”

“Oh don’t start up on that Kanny. It’s everyone’s den. You are just as free to use it as he is.”

Kankri sighed, not wanting to start an argument.

His father looked back down at his papers. “You should go say hi to your brother. I’m sure he missed you.”

“You are ever the eternal optimist.”

\------

It was warm in his room that night. Kankri tossed from side to side, unable to find the relief of unconsciousness he so sorely wanted. Instead, his brain was playing the highlights from the last full day at the beach on a loop. The feeling of carpet on his knees. Guilt. Floating in the ocean with Cronus as he prattled on, high as a kite. The pan of mac-n-cheese flying through the air in slow motion. Being frozen in place. ‘ _Go clean up Danny’s mess._ ’ Nearly raw meat shoveled into mouths. Frenchie from Grease saying, “The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.” Watching Cronus as he slept. Thinking about how much he looked like his father; how he has his father’s lips. The feeling of carpet on his knees.

Kankri reached over and found his phone. He decided to do some body scan meditations to try to relax, maybe fall into the thoughtless void of sleep for a few hours.

He scrolled down through his podcasts and hit play on a session he knew by heart.  

A calm, even voice came through its speakers.“ _So find a comfortable position in bed. It’s okay if you need to adjust your position as you do this meditation. Know that, even if all you do is relax without sleeping, you will be rested and refreshed afterward. Let your mind be at ease.”_

Kankri spread himself eagle on the bed, trying to let the air cool his body.

“ _Now, take a deep breath in ...and slowly let go of it...”_

As he breathed in, he imagined the whole universe playing against the inside of his nostrils. As he breathed out, he let himself feel miles away.

“ _Breathe in...and slowly breathe out... Take slow, calm breaths.”_

As his chest rose and fell, a scene played in his mind’s eye. Dualscar’s skin, glistening with sweat, his ribcage expanding, falling. Pushing muscle and flesh up and down.

“ _Feel your breathing relax you. There is nothing you need to do right now, besides breathe calmly. Just drift...relaxing. Feel yourself becoming sleepy...ever so slowly getting sleepier.”_

Kankri drifted there, next to Dualscar, feeling the heat coming off his body.

“ _See how slowly you can release the next breath you take. Breathe in deeply...and now breathe out slowly...very slowly...prolonging this breath out...relaxing...When you finish breathing out, breathe in naturally...and then breathe out again slowly.”_

Instead, his breath quickened as he climbed on top of Dualscar. He had to spread his legs wide in order to straddle him.

“ _Now, scan your body, beginning at the top of your head, and moving downward. Turn your attention to your head. Observe. Move your attention downward, to the level of your eyes, nose, chin...down to your shoulders. Notice each area, observe how your body feels.”_

A bead of sweat ran down his chin. His throat tightened as he reached behind and took a hold of Dualscar’s cock.

“ _Keep scanning, gradually moving down your body. How does your upper body feel? Take note of any areas of tension.”_

He let out a small moan as he lined up Dualscar against his entrance, felt his bulbous head pressing there. His chest felt hot. His heart fluttered.

“ _How does it feel as you near the center of your body, at the level of your stomach. How is this part of your body feeling? Keep observing your physical state. Continue to scan your body, moving the focus of your attention downwards.”_

His abdomen tensed as he pushed himself down on to the thickness, taking it inside.

“ _Reaching the level of your hips...keep observing and moving your attention down. How does this part of your body feel? Notice any tension, without trying to change anything.”_

“Oh, fuck,” he whispered. He began to rock his hips slowly back and forth, back and forth.

“ _Reaching the level of your knees...how does this area of your body feel? Keep scanning...all the way down to your feet. Take a moment now to scan your whole body, noticing how your body feels as a whole. Where is your body the most tense?”_

His toes curled tight as he gyrated his hips. He could feel the knot of tension inside him. He pushed back into Dualscar’s pelvis. The man came to life, taking a firm hold Kankri’s sides.

“That’s a good boy,” the gravely voice encouraged.

Kankri swallowed as Dualscar buried himself into Kankri’s depths.

“ _Focus intently on this one area of tension...and imagine the muscles here letting go of their hold, becoming loose, becoming relaxed...”_

Kankri winced his eyes shut tight. The tension burned a hole in his head. Dualscar squeezed his hips hard enough to bruise, “Show me.”

“ _Let the tension go.”_

The wave hit him hard. Splashing out across his hand, across the bedsheets.

“ _Feel the tension softening...feel the muscles as they loosen, lengthen...warming and relaxing, as if they are melting into relaxation. Breathe in… and breathe out.”_

As the surge diffused throughout his body, he turned his face into the pillow and breathed through it. Then, before he could catch it, he let out a sob.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> massive massive thanks to cryogenia for beta-ing this chapter when i had totally lost any ability to be objective about it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick announcement, yes i am still working on this! the last two chapters (chpater 9 & 10) have been drafted and will hopefully be up within a month. sorry for taking so long getting this next chapter up, but the universe kind of blew up a bit.
> 
> again, major shout out to cryogenia for beta-ing my nonsense.

His legs burned like someone had filled them with battery acid. Seven miles yesterday meant today was _supposed_ to be a slow three-mile recovery run. But the flashes were back, along with their pals, crippling anxiety and guilt.

But he could drive them all out. He just had to keep running.

It was a trick he learned in middle school. Just keep running. Just keep running and you can find the place where no thoughts come.

Satori.

And so a three-mile jaunt had turned into six, then eight. Maybe nine.

He wasn’t sure.

He looked down at his wrist-watch. Eighty-six minutes since he started. ‘ _At eight minutes a mile that works out to be…_ ’ Before he could finish the math, a sharp twinge in his calf demanded his attention.

“Damn it.” He cursed, slowing his cadence to a walk, taking short little steps to try to work the kink out. The rational part of his brain spoke up in that instant, ‘ _An hour and a half is more than enough. You need to stop now so you can still walk tomorrow._ ’

As he turned and began to limp back in the direction of home, the flashes came again. The bruiser body pinning him up against a wall. A rough hand, dazzled with multiple gold rings working along his waistband. The feel of carpet on his knees. The old-spring mattress groaning under the weight and momentum of their bodies.

Sweat-matted hair bounced against his skull as he pushed forward. He ignored the complaints of his body and instead focused on the placement of each footfall.

‘ _Push off from your toes. Glide. Land on your forefoot. Push off from your toes. Glide. Land on your forefoot._ ’

A lullaby.

As he rounded the corner of his street, a wandering cloud blotted out the sun for an instant.

\------

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, QUIT FUCKING SPAWN CAMPING SHITHEELS!”

Kankri looked up, momentarily startled, then turned back to his page. ‘ _Aaaand lost my place again…_ ’ He sighed.

The addition of the air-conditioner to the den had become a mixed blessing. While it did mean that one room in the house was now respectably cool, it had also resulted in Karkat renouncing his citizenship to the rest of the house and becoming the room’s full-time resident.

“I DON’T CARE IF THE GAME ALLOWS IT! IT KILLS THE FUCKING SERVER YOU JACKED UP FUCKNUGGETS!”

Kankri slid his bookmark between the pages of his book and closed it. He rubbed his temples.

Karkat ramped up in volume, seeming headed towards nuclear meltdown, “FUCK YOU ASSLORD! AT LEAST I CAN HIT A FUCKING HEADSHOT!”

Kankri stood up. “I’m going to go make myself a sandwich. Do you want anything?”

Without taking his eyes off the screen, Kankat responded, “PB&J AND SOME MILK.”

As he made his way up the stairs, Kankri heard the smash of a controller hitting the floor.

Upstairs, Kankri picked through the cabinets to find the peanut butter. Dad wandered into the room holding a stack of papers, heading immediately for the coffee pot.

“Enjoying the temperate climate?” the elder Vantas asked as he refilled his mug.

“Well, the air-conditioner sure is nice. The ambience leaves a little something to be desired.”

Dad rolled his eyes. “Always the critic.”

Kankri frowned as he unscrewed the lid of the jar of Skippy. “No I’m not.” He paused, then added, “But, I mean, haven’t you heard Karkat in there? He sounds like he’s going to have an aneurism.”

“He just gets excited about his games is all. Think about how passionate you are about your books.”

“That’s totally different. You know how many of my books I’ve destroyed because I’ve been excited? Zero. How many controllers has Karkat totaled this month?”

“We are working on that. And he’s paying to replace them. Not me.”

Kankri let out a dismissive “harrumph” and dug a knife out of the silverware drawer.

“I hope you don’t take offense, but … you’re getting a bit prickly there Kanny. You feeling itchy to head back?”

“No. I just...” He trailed off, unsure of what to say. The memory of how the pan of Mac n’ Cheese looked as it spun through the air, as if in slow-motion, flashed in his head. Some part of him wanted to tell his father everything that had happened, all of the messed up things he had witnessed, all of the messed up things he had done. Some part of him wanted desperately for some kind of authority figure to make it all okay.

He sighed and said, “Yeah. I’m just… ready to go back I think.”

The elder Vantas put a hand on Kankri’s shoulder. “You know, it’s okay. Really. I get it. You’re an adult now. It’s hard being home with family and losing your sense of independence. Your outgrowing all of this, and that’s okay Kankri. Just… when you are feeling cramped, try to remember this is probably the last time you’ll come home for the summer.”

‘ _He’s right. I hadn’t even thought about that._ ’ Gravity suddenly felt amplified. Every muscle in his body felt tired and weak. The effort of holding up his own body seemed enormous. He looked at his Dad’s face and noticed the gentle but weathered weariness there. Kankri nodded his head slowly.

“Look, Kanny. I hope... I hope I’ve not been putting too much pressure on you. You push yourself and push yourself. And, well, I want you to know that I’m proud of all of the things you’ve accomplished.” His Dad paused, swallowed, looking almost embarrassed. “I just want you to be happy. That’s all that your mother and I ever wanted for you.”

The corners of Kankri’s eyes felt wet. How desperately he wanted to tell him. To tell him how he was screwing things up, to confess his sins and be forgiven. Instead, he mumbled, “Jeez Dad.”

“Sorry. I just worry about you sometimes Kanny. You just… sometimes it seems like you want to carry the weight of the world on your back. But you can’t do that. At least not alone. And… well that desire isn’t a bad thing. You come by that honestly. But, look, just… try to have fun this year, OK?”

‘ _Have fun. Just have fun. Right._ ’ Kankri ran his hand through his hair.

The elder Vantas looked around the room, seeming somewhat at a loss for how to transition into some other topic of conversation. “Oh, your package came in the mail while you were out running.”

“Package?” Kankri asked. ‘ _I didn’t order anything.’_

“Yeah, it’s over there on the table.”

Kankri set the knife down and walked over to the table. He looked down at the small, brown box.

> “Kankri Vantas. 1305 Forest St., New Casleton City, GT, K415W3.”

‘ _It is addressed to me. That’s weird._ ’ The return address simply read: “HG Industries.”

‘ _It’s too light to be books... I wonder if Cronus sent me something in some ridiculous effort to woo me..._ ’

Another possibility flashed into his mind, freezing him in place.

“Kanny, are you alright? You look a bit pale.”

Kankri blinked. “Oh… yeah, uh… just, suddenly feeling kind of tired. I did a…” ‘ _Very stupid thing._ ’ “Twelve mile run earlier.” He starred down at the package. “Actually, I think I may go lay down for a bit.”

The elder Vantas frowned. “I hope I didn’t upset you.”

Kankri nodded absently, not processing the words coming into his ears. “No, no. I’m okay. Really.” He turned back to face his Dad. “Hey, could you take Karkat his sandwich?”

“Um, sure.”

With sweating palms, Kankri scooped up the package and strode towards his room.

\------

Kankri closed the door and made sure he heard the perfunctory _click_ of the lock.

In the week and a half since the trip, he had wondered how Cronus was doing, what fallout there had been with his father, if any. But Kankri had decided to just… give the Amporas some space for a while. Sometimes it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. And now… now, he turned his attention to the box, looking it over as if it might contain a genie or some ancient riddle. He chewed his lip, extended a hand and, with the utmost care, tore away the packing tape.

A packing slip sat nestled right inside. It read:

> “ _You’ve received a gift package from HunkGear.com, your one stop shop for the finest threads for the finest bodies. Returns are easy. New items can be returned, exchanged, or replaced when items are sent back in their original, unopened condition. Please visit our website to start the return process. Please note returns can only be made for 30 days past date of delivery._
> 
> _Gift Message: ‘Thought you could use some new ones. Mr. A.’”_

Kankri inhaled slowly through his nose. ‘ _Oh.’_ He reached into the box, pulling out a neatly folded package. The words “Calvin Klein - M” were stamped across the top in big bold lettering. He turned it over and read the printing on the back.

> “ _Calvin Klein's Steel underwear collection defines any man wearing it as strong, masculine, bold and smart. With its ultra-soft, body-defining fabric, styling that fits and flatters your body, and the stunning metallic waistband, you'll be wearing the underwear of the future today.”_

As if it were nitro glycerin, Kankri carefully set the garment down on the bed. ‘ _Oh… this is… super problematic._ ’

He turned the brown box upside down, sending its contents careening out over the bed. A half dozen pair of underwear lay on the blanket, multi-colored, with names like “Diesel,” “2xist,” and “Garçon Model” stamped in large print across the waistbands. He picked up one pair that appeared to be mostly straps. ‘ _Is this…?_ ’ He read the label:

> “ _Are you ready for the Brickell Jockstrap by Garçon Model? A simple yet standout design. Your comfiest underwear just happens to be a show-stopper!_ ”

The room suddenly felt sweltering.

‘ _This is massively inappropriate. I’m going to have to mail all of this back._ ’

Kankri ran his fingers across a pair of the stretchy black briefs. A vision flashed in his mind: Dualscar’s torso, slick and shimmering with tanning oil in the bright beach sun. Little tufts of hair trailing down from his belly button to the waist-band of his black speedos. The topography of those swimming trunks. The way the flesh underneath filled them out.

Electricity shot through his nerves. ‘ _Take it easy. Take it easy. Just… breathe._ ’ Channeling a calming technique, he imagined slowly filling a balloon as he exhaled.

But rather than the sensation of the balloon expanding, Kankri felt the taut elastic in Dualscar’s swim trunks as he pulled them down, exposing a thick black forest of pubic hair.

He swallowed hard, then looked up at his dresser.

The ever-present critical voice spoke. ‘ _No._ ’

But his body seemed to have a mind of its own. He stood up from the bed and walked toward it. With each step, his vision narrowed. Inches away, he reached out a tentative hand and held the knob of his sock drawer.

‘ _Don’t do this._ ’

The drawer gave the creak of old wooden furniture as he opened it. As if performing delicate surgery, Kankri carefully moved the rolled socks, pair by pair until he unearthed the tumor.

The paper felt thin and delicate in his hands, as if it might crack and turn to dust if gripped too tight. He unfolded it and looked over the handwriting, not really reading the words, but instead reciting them.

Without taking his eyes off the page, Kankri slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

‘ _Stop this right now before you do something stupid._ ’

Quivering fingers made a rapid succession of motions.

> **New Message: 172-045-0091**
> 
> “ **Hey.”**

His thumb hovered millimeters away from the **‘Send’** button. The voice in his head screamed, ‘ _THIS IS GOING TO BE TRIGGERING. YOU NEED TO STOP._ ’

But now there was a second voice; a deep, gravely voice crooning. ‘ _Just text him? What harm can it do?_ ’

He tapped the button.

A rush of something Kankri couldn’t quite identify coursed through his system. Adrenaline? Endorphins? Strychnine? He wasn’t sure. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the way his body felt. The fatigue, the soreness, the aches didn’t seem to be there anymore. He was weightless, floating in the ocean.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked down.

> **Kankri: “Hey.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “...”**

‘ _Oh fuck._ ’

The phone buzzed.

> **172-045-0091: “Hey.”**

He starred down at his phone, dumbstruck. After what felt like minutes, he typed out:

> **Kankri: “I got the thing you sent.”**

A pause.

> **172-045-0091: “Oh good. They fit okay?”**
> 
> **Kankri: “I don’t know.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Well, have you tried them on?”**

Kankri swallowed.

> **Kankri: “No.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “You’re probably not going to know if they fit unless you try them on. :)”**

Kankri walked over to the pile on the bed. He reached over to the pair of Calvin Klein underwear and pinched a bit of fabric between his fingers. ‘ _It does feel really soft. Maybe it would be okay if I just… tried one pair on._ ’

He watched himself undo his fly and slid his shorts down his legs. Looking down, his dowdy, wrinkled boxers suddenly seemed as unsightly as a burlap sack. He sighed and pulled them off, noticing the tan lines that had appeared on his thighs since the trip. He grabbed a pair of the replacements and pulled the packaging off.

Holding the thin, almost gauze like fabric in his hands, he wondered how much these must have cost. As he pulled them up over his thighs, he thought, ‘ _There’s no way these are made from sustainable fabrics._ ’

As he walked to the mirror, he couldn’t help but notice how airy everything felt, like he was wearing a cloud. The image in the mirror surprised him. ‘ _They don’t leave much to the imagination do they?_ ’ He turned and looked over his shoulder. ‘ _I guess they look ok, if you are into this kind of aesthetic._ _But I shouldn’t participate in this kind of reinforcement of a masculine ideal._ _Masculinity is a toxic social construct. I should probably talk to Dualscar about that._ ’

He turned back and picked up the phone off the bed.

> **Kankri: “You do know that certain cuts of clothing don’t define what it means to be male right?”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Sure, of course. But do they fit?”**

Derailed, Kankri paused, considering the question, then typed out:

> **Kankri: “I think they fit?”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Send a pic? I can tell you.”**

The phone felt hot. The angry critical voice roared, ‘ _Good work. You walked right into this._ ’

> **Kankri: “Um. I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”**

Another pause.

> **172-045-0091: “Of course. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to. But you also shouldn’t worry. I’ve already seen what’s underneath. :) Just want to make sure I spent my money well. Had to guess at your size.”**

The critical voice yammered on inside his head, ‘ _This is quid pro quo._ _He sends you underwear and then wants pics. You are in no way obligated to do a single thing for him._ ’

As he surveyed his body in the mirror, another voice piped up. ‘ _What was it Dualscar said? ‘I show off because it puts me in control?’_ _Is that what I want? Control?_ ’

He chewed the inside of his cheek as he switched his phone over to camera mode. He held it up towards the mirror.

He only half recognized the body on the phone’s screen as his own. The oversized t-shirt he seemed an odd contrast with the form fitting underwear.

A fake camera shutter sound filled the room.

He turned back and looked down at the picture, evaluating. His head was nearly cropped out the photo, the top part of his chin barely visible. The body could belong to anyone. Or at least, that’s what he told himself.

He sat back down on the bed and drummed his fingers. ‘ _I shouldn’t send this to him. This is reinforcing some deeply problematic behavior._ ’ But the ember was there now, smoldering. The feeling of knowing that Dualscar wanted this, wanted him.

He swallowed.

> **Kankri: [img_00429.jpg]**

The rush of chemicals came harder, filling his brain like a river swollen from a downpour. The cellphone slid in his sweating palms when it vibrated.

> **172-045-0091: “Nice. Look like they fit in all the right places :)”**

A pause. The phone vibrated again.

> **172-045-0091: “Maybe another with your shirt off?”**

Kankri’s toes curled.

He stood up from the bed and pulled his shirt off over his head, tossing it aside. He walked back towards the mirror. ‘ _How am I supposed to pose?_ ’ He bent at the waist, putting a hand on his thigh and sticking his rump out a bit more. Another fake shutter click.

> **Kankri: [img_00430.jpg]**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Very nice. Maybe one from the front?”**

Kankri looked down. The underwear was stretched out around his erection, a small dark dot from where his pre-cum seeped into the fabric. ‘ _When… when did that happen?_ ’ His throat felt tight.

He reached down and rubbed himself through the underwear. The silky texture sliding back and forth felt good. Very good. He let go and looked at himself through the phone. The aching curve of his cock stood out like a billboard.

- _click_ -

> **Kankri: [img_00431.jpg]**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Fuck. That’s hot.”**

A pause.

> **172-045-0091: “Keep going. :)”**

A soft moan escaped his throat as he took hold of himself through the fabric again. The circumference of the stain spread.

- _click_ -

> **Kankri: [img_00432.jpg]**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Tell me how it feels.”**

Kankri closed his eyes and concentrated on the mounting sensations. There was heat in his hands. Rigid flesh. The pulse of his heartbeat. The silken texture of the fabric sliding back and forth, stretching over his cockhead. ‘ _How do I say this? How do I put it into words?_ ’ It was like scratching an itch. Stretching sore legs before a morning run. Sucking in air after being underwater too long.

> **Kankri: “It… it feels so good.”**

Another long pause.

> **172-045-0091: “Mmm… look at what you’re doing to me.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: [mov_08286.mp4]**

The triangle symbol. ‘ _He sent me…?_ ’ He tapped it.

The video on the phone shook, the camera fumbling wildly for a second. Then, the horizon settled. He recognized the place. It was the Ampora’s pool. There was a cigar resting in an ashtray on the right of the screen. Next to it sat a glass with a brown liquid and a bit of ice. The camera panned down. Abs. Beautiful, glistening hills, covered in small black curls. How Kankri wanted so desperately to run his fingers through their peaks and valleys—to trace his fingers along the scars on his stomach. To glide his hand down, snaking lower and lower.

On the video, a hand reached down and slowly, teasingly pulled the waistband of his trunks down. And there it was: full and plump. The deep gravelly voice played over the speakers, “Like what you see?”

Goosebumps raised on his forearms, making his hairs stand up on end.

The phone buzzed.

> **172-045-0091: “What do you think?”**

He fumbled with the phone, barely having the mental bandwidth to type and get himself off at the same time.

> **Kankri: “Unf”**
> 
> **Kankri: “M cl9se”**

A chirp.

> **172-045-0091: “Nice… send me a vid? :)”**

Kankri’s thumb swung wildly at the camera controls. He was barely able to hit the big red ‘Record’ square before the shockwave hit him, almost knocking him over. Wet, sticky heat spread across the front of the underwear. “ _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._ ”

He swallowed hard. The ache inside was starting to subside. He let out a slow, jaggy breath. Kankri let go of himself, looking down at the camera pointed at his crotch. He hit the stop button.

He surveyed the undergarments sticking wetly to his hips. ‘ _God, I made a mess of these_.’

His internal critic screamed, ‘ _No! You should have said no to all of this!_ ’ But rather than fight with his brain, Kankri instead carefully slid the underwear down off his body, smearing a trail of cum down his thigh.

The chirp nearly caused him to jump.

> **172-045-0091: “Keepin me in suspense here.”**

‘ _No._ _No. No. No. This is so problematic. You fucking know it._’ He watched as his hand flicked the send button.

In a flash, his entire existence emptied out. Only one thing remained in all of time and space: his breath.

Vibration. He looked down at the phone in his hand. ‘ _What a strange object this is_ ,’ he thought.

> **172-045-0091: [img_08287.jpg]**

Kankri opened the image. It was… ‘ _Oh Jegus._ ’ A straight shot of pearl across Dualscar’s fuzzed stomach. He stared down, through the phone, as if it were an entryway that he could walk through.

> **172-045-0091: “You should say thanks :)”**

Kanrki grimaced.

> **Kankri: “Uh, thanks.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Of course.”**

Panic. ‘ _Fuck fuck fuck, what did I do._ ’

> **172-045-0091: “You should swing by soon. I’m sure Cronus would love to see you.”**

Kankri cringed.

> **Kankri: “I’m a little busy here at home right now…”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Oh, of course. But if you do change your mind, just let me know.”**

He paused and looked at himself in the mirror, dick still half-hard. A rush of embarrassment mixed with anger flooded him. ‘ _You knew that was a bad idea. You fucking_ _ **KNEW**_ _.’_

> **Kankri: “Yeah. Hey, I gotta go get some dinner.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Ah, well enjoy.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “BTW, you should hand wash those. :)”**

Kankri looked down at the soggy pile of fabric on the floor. ‘ _And now you can’t return them._ ’

 

\------

Kankri turned the fork over and over in his hand. It felt like he was looking at the world through a black and white television. Nothing had depth, nothing had vibrance. He sighed and pushed a garbanzo bean around the edge of his plate.

“CAN I JUST HAVE A HOT DOG?” Karkat trumpeted from his end of the table.

The elder Vantas knew he was fighting a losing battle. “Those things are no good for you.”

“AND YET THEY TASTE SO DELICIOUS.”

Dad let out an exasperated sigh. “Okay, you can get a hot dog from the freezer--on the condition that you eat half of the chickpea salad that’s on your plate already first. Deal?”

Kankri watched as Karkat pinched his nose and shoved several large spoonfuls of the concoction into his face, his cheeks ballooning like a hamster. His brother held a fist up in the air as he grimaced and choked down the food, then threw down his utensil in triumph.

“Okay okay, enough with the theatrics. You can have a hot dog. ONE. But if you are still hungry after that you need to eat the meal I cooked.”

Karkat shot up and was rummaging through the freezer within nanoseconds.

The elder Vantas looked over at Kankri pushing the fiber orb. “Don’t tell me you want something else too.”

Kankri blinked. “Huh? Oh. No.” He paused, clarified. “Sorry, just… not that hungry.”

His dad looked plaintively at him. “You aren’t still upset about earlier are you Kankri?”

“No, no. I’m just…” ‘ _Thinking about how I’ve been sending lewd pictures of myself to a guy that’s close to your age than mine._ ’ “Kind of distracted.” ‘ _Sexting? Is that the word? Am I a sexter now?_ ’ Kankri watched as, behind his father’s back, Karkat took not one, but three hotdogs out of the freezer. “Hey Dad?” Kankri asked.

“Hrm?”

Karkat shot Kankri a death stare, sure he was about to be ratted out.

“When you met Mom… how did, uh, how did she make you feel?”

Dad's cheeks filled with a pink splotches, like something out of a watercolor painting. “Oh well… um. Well, it was the sixties you see. And… college was kind of a hot bed of political unrest. And… well, I was giving a speech on the campus quad about the need for greater attention to class consciousness, and your Mom… well, she was in the audience.” He paused, looking somewhat distant. “And the whole time I was talking, I kept getting distracted by this woman. Her eyes. And… everything around us just kind of disappeared. And it was like I was talking to just her. Like she was the only person in the world. And well, I guess I just kind of knew that...” He paused and sighed, a wistful look in his eye. “Well, look, I know it sounds silly, but I knew I had to talk to her.”

Behind his dad, Karkat made a face like he was gagging.

Kankri ignored the antics behind him and focused in on his father. “So… you just went up to her and started talking?”

Dad shrugged. “It sounds silly, but it’s true. We just had this kind of instant rapport.”

“Sure, but. I mean, did it ever feel… I don’t know, like weird?”

The elder Vantas studied Kankri carefully before asking, “You aren’t…. I mean, I don’t want to intrude, but, um. Is there…” He trailed off, seeming unable to complete the question.

Kankri put his hands up defensively, a bit too eager. “No no no. Nothing like that. Just…uh, curious.”

His father gave an unconvinced nod. “Well, if… you know… you are looking for… advice…”

Kankri completed the sentence, bailing out his awkward father. “Oh, of course I’ll come to you.”

Dad quickly looked back down at his plate. “Good.” He nodded and repeated, “Good.”

Behind them, the microwave beeped.

\------

It was too early for sleep, but Kankri was tired of interacting with family for the evening. In his time-honored tradition, he decided to try to chase the world away by reading.

As he traced a finger over the spines of books on his shelves, a curious half-formed thought occurred to him. He pulled down the textbook from one of his theory courses. There was something about a term he came across that felt relevant now.

He walked over to the bed, book in tow, and flopped down on his stomach. He turned to the glossary and began browsing alphabetically.

‘ _Competence Face?_ _No, that’s not it…_ _Dyadic Communication_? _Not exaxtly._ _Individualistic Orientation_? _I know what that one means…_ _Parasocial Relationships?_ _Hrm… that’s close, but no, not exactly right._ ’ Then, a bell went off as he spotted the term.

‘ _Scopophilia_ ……. P. 354-355.’

He flipped to the page.

> “ **Scopophilia:** Pleasure in looking; in Freudian psychoanalytic theory, an infantile instinct. In relation to the dominance of the male gaze in classical Hollywood cinema, Mulvey refers to scopophilia as the pleasure involved in looking at other people's bodies as (particularly, erotic) objects without being seen either by those on screen or by other members of the audience. Mulvey argues that cinema viewing conditions facilitate both the voyeuristic process of the objectification of female characters and also the narcissistic process of identification with an ego ideal seen on the screen.”

Kankri grabbed his cellphone off the bedside stand. He pulled up “Photos,” found the video and hit play.

From the tiny speakers, the deep voice boomed, “Like what you see?”

The swell of endorphins hit Kankri, making it harder to breathe for just a second. He paid attention to the sensation, trying to explore it mindfully. And then, gradually, it dissipated. He hit play again.

“Like what you see?”

The rush came again, but smaller in magnitude this time. ‘ _Narcissistic process of identification with an ego ideal seen on the screen._ ’ Kankri turned back to the book and flipped back to the glossary.

‘ _Ego ideal_ ……. P. 186.’

He leafed through to the book the page 186.

> “ **Ego-ideal:** In Freudian psychoanalysis, the ego ideal (German: Ideal-Ich) is the inner image of oneself as one wants to become. It is the part of one’s ego that contains an idealized self based on those people, especially parents and peers, one admires and wishes to emulate.”

‘ _Is that what I want to become? Is this my ego-ideal on the screen?_ ’ He hit play again.

“Like what you see?”

-click-

“Like what you see?”

-click-

“Like what you see?”

Kankri stared at the frozen frame on the screen at the end of the video, the shot of Dualscar’s cock, engorged like overripe fruit. The world around him—the bed, the sheets, the book—began to disappear. And then, he was there. His own hand holding the waistband open.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone buzzed. He shook his head and slowly regained some measure of composure. He looked down at the message overlayed atop Dualscar’s erection.

> **Cronus: “hey chief, you around?”**

For a brief instant, he felt relieved it was Cronus and _not_ Dualscar. But then, there was another flash. Cold sweat beaded his forehead. ‘ _Cronus never texts me._ _Oh god he knows. Oh god_ _ **he knows**_ _!_ ’ He began to hyperventilate, blinking hard as he sucked air in. A logical, calm voice now. ‘ _No. No he can’t know. Dualscar would never actually tell him. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to do that. Would it?_ ’ Nervously, he slid open the message interface.

> **Kankri: “Uh, hey. What’s up?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “not much, you?”**

‘ _Oh, just checking out this video of your Dad’s dick he sent me.’_

> **Kankri: “Catching up some reading.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “gross.”**

‘ _Yep.’_

> **Cronus: “hey, if your bored, you wanna come over and hang out sometime this week?”**

‘ _Jegus, did Dualscar ask him to ask me over?_ _I can’t go over there.’_ He felt dizzy, short of breath. _‘What do I say, what do I say?_ ’

> **Kankri: “Sorry, I’ve got a cold right now and probably shouldn’t be around people.”**

A pause.

> **Cronus: “aw, damn dude, that sucks :( hope your feelin better soon!”**

A twinge of shame crept into the back of his mind. ‘ _You’re a liar now._ _This isn’t like you._ ’

> **Kankri: “Thanks. I’m just trying to shake it off before we head back.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “ugh. don’t remind me. not ready for summer to be over.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “what day you gonna head back?”**
> 
> **Kankri: “I head back on the 15** **th** **to help run the new RA training.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “oh yeah, I forgot you do that. think I’m gonna head back on 18** **th** **. you in the same dorm this year?”**
> 
> **Kankri: “Same floor, same room. I like that spot. It’s so conveniently close to the library.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “too pure for this world chief.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “but seriously, you’ll have to show me where it is one day.”**
> 
> **Kankri: “The library? I trust you are joking.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “so, so pure.”**

He wasn’t entirely sure whether or not Cronus was actually joking.

> **Kankri: “So, uh, how are things?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “fine? boring I guess?”**

There were so many questions Kankri wanted to ask. How’s your brother doing? Was there any fallout with your Mom? Oh yeah, by the way, has your Dad said anything, you know, kind of creepy or weird about me?

> **Kankri: “Cool.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “so hey, maybe when we get back, you’d like to come over to my apartment for dinner?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “like, not a date or anything, just dinner. maybe we can watch a movie or something too?”**

Kankri thought about it for a minute. ‘ _I mean… he probably really does just mean dinner and a movie. I guess that’s what friends do right?_ ’

> **Kankri: “Sure. Maybe the 19** **th** **? The 18** **th** **is move in day and I’m gonna be busy all day.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “oh yeah, sure thing. i gotta move all my shit in the 18** **th** **and get setup anyways. got the same apartment as last year though.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “Spoiler alert, but I’m actually workin on this recipe for you! I’ll see if I can get it hammered out by then.”**

‘ _A recipe? For me?’_

> **Kankri: “Alright, well, I guess I’ll see you then!”**
> 
> **Cronus: “cool. hope you feel better chief. take it easy!”**
> 
> **Kankri: “You too. Be safe.”**

‘ _Be safe?_ _That was a dumb thing to say._ ’ Another part of him chimed in. ‘ _Was it though?’_

Kankri closed the messages and the screen flashed back to the frozen image of Dualscar’s loins. The feeling of shame and guilt crept back into his brain. ‘ _I should really delete this. It’s inappropriate to keep it._ ’ He closed the video and selected it.

His finger hovered over the trashcan symbol. ‘ _Well, in fairness,_ _Dualscar is probably keeping the pics I sent him. So maybe I should just hold on to these. For fairness sake._ ’

A pause, and then a weird dawning recognition.

‘ _Dualscar is probably going to masturbate to the pictures I sent him._ ’

A new rush hit Kankri. He turned over on his bed and held the cellphone above him. He clicked on the video again.

“Like what you see?”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

“I’ll tell you, the older you get, the faster time seems to go by.”

Kankri rolled his eyes. This soliloquy from Dad had become part of the ritual of being dropped off at school every year. A little touch of sentimentality, a little hint of ‘eau-de-death is waiting for us all,’ and then, “okay, well, have a good semester, I love you!”

The elder Vantas put the car in park and flipped the hazard lights onto blink. “It seems like yesterday I was picking you up.”

Kankri sighed and hopped out of the car as Dad popped the trunk, his Dad following him out.

“Did I ever tell you that I cried the first time I dropped you off at college? I had to pull over on the side of the interstate on my way back home.”

Deep down, Kankri knew his father meant well, meant to show him that he’s loved, but Jegus, this was _exhausting_ . “Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.” ‘ _Or a dozen times._ ’

“It’s true.”

“I know.”

The hinges on the backseat door creaked with age when Dad opened it. He looked at the half dozen cardboard boxes filling the seats. “How did you get so many books?”

“Well, bookstores mostly.”

“You know…” the elder Vantas remarked, ignoring the jibe, “… a lot of people I knew in school who liked books this much ended up becoming academics.”

‘ _Here we go._ ’ Kankri ran a hand through his hair. ‘ _We’d been doing so well too._ ’

The elder Vantas seemed to recognize he was close to a landmine. “And… of course… if teaching really isn’t where you see yourself headed, you could always think about working in a university library. Librarianship is a noble tradition Kankri. I know some librarians very committed to social justice issues.”

Kankri crossed his arms and looked blankly at his Dad. ‘ _Why couldn’t it ever be actual sage advice?_ ’ “Uh-huh.”

The elder Vantas put his hands up defensively in the international sign for ‘I know I’m out of my lane here.’ “Just… something to think about.”

Kankri turned around and pulled the last bag out of the trunk of the car. Looking down at the pile of his things on the curb, it struck him how little space it all took up. His whole existence could probably fit inside a refrigerator box.

“Well, here you are. You, uh, want any help getting this stuff up to your room?”

“Oh no, that’s okay. I’ll go grab a cart from the front office and can just wheel everything up. Thanks for the offer though.”

“Ah.” The elder Vantas nodded, seeming a little relieved. “Well.”

‘ _This part. This part is always the worst._ ’ Kankri thought. “So, um, I really appreciate you driving me down with all my stuff.”

“Oh, of course. Not a problem. What else are fathers for?” As a prurient answer came to Kankri’s mind, his Dad continued, “Call me Sunday to check in?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Good good. Well… I hope you have a fruitful semester Kanny.”

‘ _I really wish you would stop calling me that._ ’ “Yeah, you too.”

The elder Vantas leaned in and gave Kankri a stilted, awkward hug. Kankri returned the gesture with a gentle pat, as if he was saying, “There, there” to a small child.

Finally, Dad broke the embrace. As he looked into his son’s face, in a stark voice, he said, “Take care of yourself.”

Kankri stood, half stunned, half confused by his father’s sudden intense demeanor. He nodded, searching, unsure of what he could say.

The air seemed totally still as he watched Dad get back in the car, the hazard lights blink off, and the vehicle begin to lurch down the road.

\------

Although he would never voice his excitement to others, Kankri had been secretly looking forward to the new resident advisor training session for weeks. Holding the day’s agenda in his hands meant the universe had structure again. It meant that there was someone in charge.

The day was broken up with various informative sessions, most of which Kankri had gone through the previous year: procedures for emergency situations; who to call if there was a fight or an unruly party; how to deal with a noise complaint; how to mediate disputes; basic first-aid, including a primer on taking care of someone who had had too much to drink; and some safety review information, such as how to use a fire-extinguisher. Kankri had volunteered to do a mid-afternoon talk about his experiences as an RA the past year. In his talk, he touched on some of the things he had found surprising; for example, the odd hours that people on the floor seemed to keep. He also pontificated on the kinds of problems he had faced. These included things such as breaking up non-sanctioned parties (it always helps to have a whistle) or having to explain to a very drunk student that vomiting in the shower is not an acceptable practice.

One hand went up after he was done talking. “So who do I call if someone pukes in the shower? Is that custodial staff or maintenance?”

At the day’s end, all of the RAs received their floor packets. These contained a roster, the keys for every room to be given to each resident at check-in, the check-in forms, property damage forms, and a sheet of emergency contact information. Holding the heavy packet in his hands gave Kankri sense of responsibility he had missed, a sense that he had a place in the great machinery of rules. He opened the folder and looked over the list of names. There were a few he recognized from last year, but on the whole it looked like a new crop.

Kankri made small talk with some of the new RAs at the informal dinner afterwards. He found most had taken on the role in order to get a reduction in the cost of tuition. While he agreed that was certainly a perk, he found it surprising that few shared his interest in the sense of duty that came with the position. Even fewer were interested when Kankri tried to argue that they should conceptualize a dorm floor as “a way of trying to fostering the growth of a small grassroots community.”

“There’s a real radical potential there.” Kankri explained to one newcomer.

She nodded politely, took a bite of her sandwich, and turned away from Kankri to join a different conversation.

After dinner, they were set loose to enjoy their last night without being on the clock. As Kankri walked back to his dorm room, the vibrant purple hues of the sunset played off the windows of the campus buildings, making it look like the world was wrapped in velvet. A warm breeze blew through the air. The campus felt strange. In just a few days it would be swarming with bodies. But tonight, it was desolate.

His attention drifted from the sky to his insides, towards a growing tightness in the center of his chest.

‘ _It’s just nerves before everything really gets back into gear, that’s all. It’ll pass through you if you let it.’_

But another part of him knew saw it as something else: the entanglement of his own lying, shame, and unchecked lust. And smack in the middle of this rhizome was loneliness. Tomorrow, the hallways would be busy with the sounds of students unpacking their things, meeting new roommates and reuniting with old friends. Tonight though, he would be the floor’s only occupant. Just him and the blackhole growing inside of him.

Inside his dorm room, his shoes squeaked on the freshly glossed concrete floor. The sound would stop as the floor got more scuffed up in time. But for the first few weeks at least, things would be needlessly noisy.  He looked at the freshly painted white walls, the faint smell of turpentine still in the room. ‘ _I should find a poster or something to put up._ ’

He kicked off his shoes and tossed his keys on his dresser. As he pulled his phone out of his pocket so he could charge it overnight, a dark thought coagulated in his head. But before it could fully set, the voice of authority spoke in his head:

 **‘** ** _No._ ** **’**

It was like someone threw a blanket on the fire. The urgency of the command snuffed it out before it could catch. And, just a little, his chest felt lighter.

\------

The knock came at the door right as Kankri had finished the chapter in his book on the history of labor unions. As he slid his bookmark into place, he called “Coming!”

It was late afternoon and the majority of the newbies had already moved in. Just a few stragglers remained now.

Floor folder in hand, he made his way over to the door. When he opened it, he stared eye to throat with the new floor’s newest occupant. As Kankri craned his neck up to survey the man, the bulky figure gave Kankri a sheepish grin.

‘ _He has dimples._ ’ Kankri thought.

“Uh, hi. The front desk said I need to check in with you to get my key?”

“Hi! Yes, welcome to our little community on the second floor. What’s your name so I can get you squared away?”

“Oh, I’m Tavros Nitram. You can call me Tav though!”

“Pleased to meet you Tav.” Kankri rifled through his paperwork, finding the clipped materials. “Well, it looks like you are in room… room 213. Here’s your welcome packet. You’ll find everything you need in there to get you settled. Your key is in a little envelope in there…” His eyes darted to the thick cords on the man’s neck. He swallowed. “… and… be sure to check over your room and furniture for any damage when you get in and return the form back to me. That way we can get stuff fixed and you won’t be held liable for it.”

Tav took the packet and gave Kankri a ‘gee-golly-shucks’ expression. “Okay. Can do.”

Kankri looked up. It was his mouth that really caught his eye. His lips seemed… so full and plump. And in that moment, he realized that he’d never really kissed Dualscar. Everything else, yes. But kissing… He looked down at his paperwork and stammered, “Uh… and… I think your roommate has already checked in. His name is, uh, … Gamzee Makara. He’s a sophomore too.”

“213. Gamzee Makara. Okay. So, umm, is that it?”

Kankri looked back up at Tav, trying to narrow his vision so that he was only concentrating on the man’s eyes. ‘ _They aren’t actually gold are they? No, they can’t be. They must just be a very light shade of brown._ ’ “Uh…” he paused. “Oh! We have a floor meeting tonight at 8 P.M. Just to go over dorm rules and stuff like that.”

Tav nodded, “Alright, well, um, see you at 8 then.” He turned and pushed his cart full of stuff down the hall.

Kankri watched Tavros proceed down the hall, watched how his t-shirt hugged his broad back, watched how his glutes moved up and down as he pushed the cart along. He chewed the inside of his cheek and closed the door.

He shook his head and tried to focus on the checklist. Only one more student still to come: “D. Strider.”

Kankri hadn’t even had the time to open up his book again before there was another knock.

“Coming!” he called.

But when he opened the door, instead of a stranger, Kankri saw a familiar scarred face.

“Well hello there Kankri. Nice to see you in the flesh.”

Kankri flinched, then looked around the man to verify they were alone. In a hushed tone, he demanded, “ _What are you doing here?”_

Unfazed by Kankri’s demeanor, Dualscar bolstered, “Well, I decided Cronus might need a hand moving in. And, then I thought, well, since I’m in the neighborhood… I might stop in and see how a good family friend is doing.”

“How… how did you know where I live?”

“Oh, well I just asked Cronus.”

Bug-eyed, Kankri demanded, “You asked **_Cronus_ **?!?”

“Well, first I asked him if you lived in an apartment like his. He helpfully explained that no, you did not. That, in fact, you lived in Gold Hall and you mostly babysat freshman who can’t hold their liquor. So, after we were done moving all his shit in, I found a campus map, made my way over, stopped downstairs at the desk, explained that I’m a parent of a student here and was looking for my son’s new RA Kankri, and they helpfully told me which room was yours.” Dualscar poked his head in through the doorway, “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Kankri’s throat felt arid. “I, um...”

Without waiting for a response, Dualscar stepped inside. “Well, this is rather drab,” he demurred.

Kankri cautiously shut the door behind him. “You… you can’t be here.”

Dualscar turned to look at Kankri and gave him a doe-eyed expression. “Oh?”

‘ _Deep breath. Take a deep breath._ ’ “I mean, you shouldn’t be here.”

“Why is that? Are you…” Dualscar raised an eyebrow, “Cronus isn’t coming over is he? He didn’t say anything about that to me…”

Tentacles of shame grabbed at his ankles, pulling him down. “No! I mean—“

“Aren’t you going to offer me a drink?” Dualscar looked over at the mini-fridge humming its low-frequency hum in the corner.

His brain short-circuited. “Huh?”

“A beer? A highball?”

“I don’t drink.”

Dualscar sighed. “Oh. Well that’s rather boring.”

Kankri ignored the commentary. “And besides, alcohol isn’t allowed in the dorms.” ‘ _Why are we even discussing this?_ ’

Dualscar rolled his eyes. “Like that’s ever stopped anyone.” He sat down on the bed, his lips curling into a wry grin. “Well… maybe we can find some other ways to blow off a little steam.”

Kankri’s face felt hot. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Oh? You seemed to be quite hard-up the other night.”

“That was… a mistake.”

“Oh, don’t be like that. It’s perfectly fine to let me spoil you a little. You deserve it Kankri. Look at you. You’re adorable. And you don’t have to be so puritanical about everything.”

“I’m not being puritanical.” Kankri retorted, crossing his arms.

Dualscar waved his hand dismissively. “No, of course, perish the thought.” He reached down and rubbed his package. “Maybe you wanna show me how not puritanical you are?”

Kankri’s toes curled in his shoes. He watched as Dualscar unzipped his jeans, then reach through the zipper and pull his semi-erect dick out like a rabbit from a hat.

Fireworks burst in Kankri’s synapses, blocking thoughts from fully forming. Kankri stammered, “Um, I have to uh, I have to give this guy… his key.”

“Oh well… I don’t want to be a distraction…” Dualscar frowned as he looked down at his stiffening cock, rolling back and forth in his hand. He looked back up at Kankri, pouting. “Are you sure? I’m sure no one will mind if you just… stuck it outside your door…”

‘ _Dereliction of RA duties. I could get into trouble for this._ ’ But somehow, as he watched the slow methodical strokes, his responsibilities didn’t seem to matter that much. “I guess I could do that _._ ” He pulled the packet out of his folder, walked over the door, opened it just a crack, and slid the packet right outside the door.

“Your little video the other day was awfully cute,” Dualscar mused. “Maybe you’d like to show off a little more for me Kankri? Like that nice jock-strap I bought for you?”

Kankri’s insides felt cold.

Dualscar continued, “It would make me very happy. I know you want to make me happy Kankri.”

‘ _This is… fetishistic,_ ’ he thought. But he found he was watching himself, as if drawn by gravity, move toward the dresser. The hormones in his corporeal form had taken hold of the steering wheel.

“Mmm,” Dualscar purred as Kankri dug out the shiny garment.

Kankri’s heartbeat quickened as he turned around, facing away from his audience. Some part of him wanted to stop—knew that this would lead to no good. But he was a rat in a Skinner box, pressing the lever for the reinforcing stimulus that felt good. So instead, he carefully slid his shirt off and tossed it on top of the dresser. Dualscar whistled when his shorts and baggy underwear came off. As he pulled up the new stretchy elastic up his legs, he wondered, ‘ _How do athletes actually wear these things? These don’t make any sense._ ’

“Damn you’ve got a nice little ass. Why don’t you turn around for me,” Dualscar purred.

Embarrassed, Kankri turned around, hands covering the tented fabric at his crotch.

Dualscar gave a coy grin and sat up on the edge of the bed, his own erection now straight like a flagpole. “Come over here and let me take a closer look at you. Real-life is so much better than that tiny screen.” As Kankri moved closer, Dualscar reached out, strong hands grabbing him by the hips. He held him, assessing, evaluating, then lowered one hand and cupped Kankri’s testicles through the fabric.

Kankri closed his eyes and let out a tender moan as the man gently bobbed his globes up and down as if he were weighing them.

He let go of Kankri’s nethers and spun him around by the hips. Dualscar let out a low, contented moan. “You look good enough to eat.”

Warm breath played over the vertical crest of Kankri’s ass. Then, firm hands clutched his cheeks and spread them. “ _FUCK_ .” Kankri blurted as a warm sensation plunged against his opening. ‘ _Is he trying to get his tongue inside me?_ ’ He reached down and began to caress his aching member. Then, coolness as Dualscar withdrew. A hand came around Kankri, taking him by the wrist and stopping him mid-stroke.

The raspy voice chided from behind. “Don’t touch yourself. You’re going to come when I let you.” Dualscar pulled Kankri’s cheeks apart again, wider and rougher this time, and gave Kankri a long lick, then used his middle finger to rub the viscous spit against Kankri’s opening. Slowly, he pushed digit in. “Fuck Kankri. You are so goddamn tight.”

Stars shot across Kankri’s vision. “Ung, _damn_.”

Dualscar wiggled his finger as he pushed in past his knuckle. “We need to stretch you out.” He curled his finger, brushing against Kankri’s prostate, eliciting a half-cry/half-yelp. Slowly, Dualscar withdrew. “Do you have any lube?”

Kankri’s head buzzed. “Uh…” ‘ _Shit… no I don’t have… wait._ ’ “Uh, I think I have some Vaseline in the bathroom?”

Dualscar smirked. “Oh, well that’s old school.”

“I don’t….” ‘ _I don’t have sex’_ is what Kankri had started to say, but had stopped. He did in fact, have sex. He was having it right now. “I’ll go grab it.” After rooting around for a few moments, he returned with the small jar and handed it Dualscar.

“Why don’t you lay down on the bed. Face up. I want to watch your face as you beg me to cum.”

Kankri felt like a vessel, needing to be filled, wanting nothing more in this exact moment.

Starring deep into Kankri’s eyes, the left corner of Dualscar’s mouth turned up in a knowing, dirty smile, “Spread your legs for me.”

Kankri did as asked and was rewarded with cool viscous slickness pressing against his hole. Then, the intrusion of a finger… no two. It felt easier now with the grease. He closed his eyes as Dualscar began working his fingers in and out.

“Oh goddamn Kankri. You are like a vice…” Dualscar whispered in a low-growl. “Tell me you want my cock.”

Kankri’s face felt like he had been sitting in front a blast furnace. ‘ _Why does he always talk like this… it’s so gross._ ’ But at the same time, something about it was thrilling. Hearing it felt like listening to a forbidden record. Kankri let out a whimper in response. The fingers slid slowly out of him. He heard Dualscar doing something with the jar. Then, there was pressure again against his opening. Greater this time. It slid in. “Ah, _God! FUCK!_ ”

“Mmm… that’s three fingers.”

Kankri’s clenched his fists and sucked air in through gritted teeth, bits of bed sheet spilling out between his white knuckles.

“You can take it. I know you can.” Dualscar crooned as he pushed in past the second knuckle. He licked the tip of Kankri’s Adam’s apple as if to underline his statement. “I bet you can’t wait for my fucking cock to be hitting right here.”

His hearing and vision blurred. The feeling of Dualscar filling him was overwhelming everything else, drowning out every other sensory perception. In each squirm of Dualscar’s thick fingers, Kankri felt closer to the precipice edge.

“There... that’s three all the way in.” Dualscar rocked his wrist back and forth slowly.

“NNnnnggg..” Kankri gurgled.

“Do you want me to keep using my fingers, or do you want my cock?”

Kankri barely managed to muffle his moan as Dualscar pressed into his prostate, causing him to forget his own name.

“Use your words college boy…”

Kankri was sweating. The need to come—to be released from the burden of his body—was growing completely out of hand. “I… I want your cock. Godfuckingdamnit, I want your cock.”

Dualscar smiled self-assuredly. “That’s a good boy…” With a gentle motion, Dualscar withdrew his fingers from inside Kankri. Fingers on the outside now, he rubbed the stretched and sore opening in a gentle circular motion.

And… it felt good to be caressed this way. It was a way that no one had ever touched Kankri before. A way that he had never really touched himself, even in his more primal moments.

Then, the large scarred man was standing at the edge of the bed, holding the back of Kankri’s knees up. ‘ _Another strange spot to have another person touch,_ ’ Kankri thought.

Dualscar let out a contented sigh as he slid his erection inside Kankri. “Oh fuck you are warm.”

Kankri dug his fingers into the bed. The thing inside him felt monstrous.

Dualscar pressed Kankri’s legs back, pushing his knees almost to his shoulders. He sunk his hips into Kankri, hilting his cock inside. “You like this don’t you. You like getting ordered around. You like being my little fuck toy.”

Kankri swallowed, ashamed of being spoken to like this. Ashamed of getting so turned on. Ashamed of his own leaking cock. Ashamed of knowing the answer.

Dualscar rocked his hips back and forth, causing the bedsprings to squeak in rhythm. “Tell me. Tell me and I’ll let you cum.”

“Oh, god, fuck.” Kankri panted. The tightness in his balls grew each long stroke in and out Dualscar took. “Please… please.” He pleaded.

“Tell me. Say it.”

Kankri looked up at the scarred face as it stared back at him with what Kankri thought was almost anger. Pitifully, he moaned, “I… I like it. I like being your fuck toy. ”

Dualscar grunted approvingly and reached on hand down, snaking it under the fabric of the jockstrap. “Oh you nasty thing, you’re so fucking hard.”

Kankri writhed in the bed as Dualscar pushed his weight down, pretzeling his legs. He sucked in a shallow breath and locked his hands around the back of the man’s neck, trying to hold on—to hold out. “Fuck… fuck… I need to come… please let me.”

Dualscar matched each thrust with the pump of his fist. “Fucking do it for me.”

It was too much to bear. Fire. It radiated outwards from Kankri’s center, burning away the flesh until there was nothing left but frayed nerve endings. He came hard into Dualscar’s hand, spilling out across his belly.

“Yeah, _yeah,_ ” Dualscar encouraged as he milked the spurts from Kankri. After they subsided, he let go and wiped his cum-covered hand across Kankri’s chest. “My turn,” he spat through teeth bared in primal expression. The sound of skin slapping against skin reverberated off the concrete walls, as he jackhammered his hips into Kankri, burying his dick deep inside.

“NNNNNnnnnnnnnggggggg” Dualscar grunted, his lips drawn back over his teeth in a hideous snarl. His spasmodic bucking fell in and out of synchronization with the quakes of Kankri’s body, like songs in two different time signatures playing simultaneously.

Dualscar took in a long, slow breath and pulled back, exiting Kankri with a wet pop.

As Kankri straightened his sore legs as Dualscar collapsed next to him on the twin bed, barely enough room for the two bodies. They lay wordless, side by side, catching their breath.

After a minute, Dualscar turned his head and asked, “So am I better than him?”

“Huh?” Kankri asked, dreamily.

Dualscar sat up in the bed, small rivulets of sweat trickling down his sides. “You know… am I better than him?”

“I don’t—“

“Don’t play coy Kankri. I’m not going to tell him. Just… curious.”

“What are you talking about?”

Dualscar rolled his eyes. “Cronus of course. Or are there other fuck-buddies of yours I should be comparing myself to?”

It was like having ice-water dumped on him. “I beg your pardon?”

“Don’t treat me like I’m some idiot. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I saw you in his room at the beach. I mean, I can tell you aren’t serious about him, but still, it’s a valid question.”

‘ _He thinks…_ ’ “Cronus and I aren’t sleeping together.”

Dualscar chuckled. “You don’t have to hide it. I really don’t care. I mean, I’m glad that he’s actually finally been able to bag someone.”

Kankri insisted. “No. Cronus and I really aren’t sleeping together.” He paused, then retorted, “And even if I _were_ , I’m not exactly sure it would be any of your business. I mean… what you are asking is kind of super problematic. He’s kind of…” ‘ _Your son._ ’

Dualscar put his hands up defensively. “Fine fine. But, just as long as we both know who is buttering your bread here.”

“You’re not ‘buttering my bread,’” Kankri shot.

“Oh sure. Of course. I mean, forget what you were just moaning for the whole floor to hear a few minutes ago.” He looked over Kankri’s glistening body. “You know, you’d be hot if you started lifting some weights.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“I mean, you’ve got a decent bod going on there for a runner, but a little more muscle mass would go a long way.”

And then there was fire. But it was a different kind now. One far more familiar. ‘ _He’s body-shaming me. What. The. Fuck._ ’ “That’s a _messed up_ thing to say to someone.”

“No it’s not. I’m giving you a compliment. You should be thanking me.”

Kankri stood up from the bed, righteous indignation pumping through his veins. He started to put his shorts back on. “I think you should probably be going. I have to get ready for a floor meeting.”

Dualscar grinned and stood up. “Suit yourself.”

\------

One foot in front of another.  Land, push, extend. ‘ _That conceited jerk._ ’ Land, push, extend. ‘ _Telling me I need to add muscle._ ’ Land, push, extend. ‘ _Asking me if he is better than Cronus._ ’ Land, push, extend. ‘ _What an unbelievable man-child._ ’ Land, push, extend. ‘ _Telling me I should be thankfu-_ ‘

But land didn’t come as expected this time. Instead, the earth was somehow now above him and he was rushing towards it. “ _SHIT!_ ” was all he managed to blurt before hitting the pavement hard. He instinctively tried to roll as he hit, but instead went sliding across his chest. A bolt of pain shot through his body, followed by a thunderclap in his head. For a second, he didn’t move, wasn’t sure if he could.

There was noise. Someone rushing over.

“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” a voice asked.

Blood pounded in his skull like the bass at a dance club as he slowly pushed himself up off the concrete. “Ugh, _damnit!_ ” he spat.

“Whoa, whoa. Take it easy. Just, don’t move for a second.”

A hand brushed away the gravel sticking to the side of his face. Through blurred vision, he recognized the good Samaritan as Tav.

“Um. You’re bleeding.”

“Huh?” Kankri looked down. He had torn his running shirt. Through the ragged holes, he could see a bright rose color seeping from his skin. “Ah, shit…” he mumbled, turning over to a sitting position. Despite the soreness in his arm, he waved a hand, “I’ll be okay.”

“Oh, your legs.” Tav said.

Kankri surveyed them. His knees must have taken the brunt of the impact. Rivulets of crimson were running down his shins.

“Should I call someone, do you need an ambulance?”

Kankri grimaced as the adrenaline from the fall started to wear off, supplanted by a whole body throb. “No, no. I don’t think anything’s broken. I just… scraped myself up I think. Could you uh, give me a hand up?”

An arm wrapped around him, helping him slowly to his feet.

He tried to take a step forward and his muscles revolted in protest. He wobbled, but managed to stay on his feet. “I just, need to take it slow.”

“Let me walk you back to the dorm.”

“Oh no, that’s okay. I can make it.” Kankri took another stagger forward. Another spike of pain. “ _FUCK!_ ”

Tav wrapped his arm around Kankri, keeping him upright, nearly hoisting his whole weight. “No dude, I’m walking you back. It’s okay, I can totally get you there.”

Kankri grimaced. A coppery taste filled the back of his throat. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Really. I used to have to do this with calves.”

They stepped together in synchronized hobbles. “What?” Kankri asked.

“I used to work on a farm in the summer. We had these calves, like, little baby ones. They would go way out in the fields and would get too tired to come all the way back in. So I would have to go out there and kind of, you know, like, half carry/half push them back.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

‘ _I am just a wayward calf._ ’ Kankri thought. He looked down, and became suddenly conscious of the fact he was a bleeding, sweaty wreck. “Sorry I’m all… gross.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. I uh, I probably needed to shower anyways.” An awkward pause filled the air as they limped towards the dorm. “So uh… you… run a lot?”

“Well… when I’m not falling I guess.” ‘ _That was dumb, why did you say that?_ ’ To Kankri’s surprise, Tav laughed.

“I’ll have to remember that.”

Kankri smiled, the dull throbbing in his head starting to fade. “Um, what about you? You seem to be…” ‘ _Oh god, what’s the right word?_ ’ “Sporty?”

“Yeah, I play rugby.”

“Isn’t that, like, kind of violent?”

“Sometimes.” He grinned at Kankri, “No worse than running I guess.”

Kankri gave a groan. “Fair.”

By the time they reached the dorm, Kankri was walking on his own again—not steadily, but managing. They took the elevator up to the second floor. While Kankri normally eschewed the laziness of taking an elevator one floor, this morning he was quite glad they had one.

Tav watched Kankri fumble with the key to his door. “You gonna be okay there?”

Kankri’s cheeks flushed. “Yeah, I can get myself cleaned up. Thanks for uh… walking me back.” He looked up at Tav, and in that moment, their eyes locked. In that moment, Kankri recognized a certain glint in his eye.

Tavros gave a cherub smile.  “Anytime.”

\------

Kankri laid, curled into a fetal position in the basin of the shower. ‘ _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It was SO stupid to sleep with him again. What is WRONG with me?_ ’ Jets of hot water washed over him, making the air thick with steam. It stung his scrapes, but in way, it felt good. It felt like penance.

The contour of the pain gave him something explore, something to focus on besides the stream of consciousness lambasting ever poor decisions he had ever made.

He tried to call up the voice of the meditation. ‘ _How does it feel to be at the place called here and now? What is pain? Where is pain felt? Is it felt where the surface of the skin breaks? Is it felt in sore muscles and aching bones? Or is it felt in the head; in the brain, sitting in a vat of blood and mood regulating chemicals?_ ’

He pictured the pan flying through the air again. ‘ _He sent me clothes and I just… forgot about that. Forgot about how he manipulates his children. Forgot about how he’s verbally and physically abusive. Forgot about it until he turned it on me. What is_ **_wrong_ ** _with me? Am I that morally compromised?_ The tears came almost indistinguishable from the warm jets running over his face.

It was the void inside him. He knew it was there, but thought he could ignore it. But it was expanding, filling his innards, and he could no longer look away from it. He’d betrayed his ideals not once, but several times. And even after recognizing the problem over the summer, he couldn’t manage to stop himself from doing it again.

‘ _I have to stop. I have to tell Dualscar we can’t see each other or talk ever again.’_ The decision seemed clear. That would be that.

He sighed and brought himself up to sitting. His legs were really starting to hurt now. He may not have torn anything, but there would be no running for at least a few weeks. Kankri looked down at his knees. It reminded him of when he used to fall off his bike while learning to ride.

\------

Kankri stood outside the doorway to Cronus’s student apartment. The elder Ampora’s deep-voice played in Kankri’s head. ‘ _Am I better than him?_ ’ But the timbre was all wrong, distorted and strange like it was playing through a tape-recorder with dying batteries. A vision: sweat pebbling over crisscrossed scars over rib cage rising and falling with breath. ‘ _Am I better than him?_ ’

Kankri shook his head. He took a moment to gather his wits about him and knocked on the door.

As he waited from a response, his stomach rumbled. Earlier, after drying himself off and putting some ointment on his cuts, Kankri had lay down and spent the rest of the morning in bed. Around noon, he had gotten up to head over to the dining hall, but the pain of bending his knees had been too much. After hobbling to his bathroom, he swallowed a round of Tylenol, and decided he wasn’t actually _that_ hungry.

The door swung open. “Hey chief, how’s it going?”

He smiled, “Oh, okay. How are you?”

“Just starting dinner—whoa, what happened to your legs?!?”

“Oh...” Kankri looked down at his blood red knees, somewhat embarrassed. “I missed a step running.”

“Oh gross dude. I mean, are you like, ok? We can totally do this some other night.”

“No, no. I mean, I’m actually okay. The walk over kind of stung, but… I’ve been looking forward to this dinner.” ‘ _Sort of._ ’

Cronus beamed. “Well jeez chief, I hope I don’t disappoint. Say, could we take this to the kitchen? I got food on the stove.”

Kankri took stock of his surroundings as they walked through the apartment. He wasn’t sure how it was possible to already have trashed a place when you had just moved in the day before, but Cronus has somehow managed to pull it off. There were cardboard boxes everywhere; some overturned completely, their contents spewing out across the floor. Posters of bands Kankri couldn’t identify hung askew on the walls. But, as they drew nearer to the kitchen, the heavenly aroma of garlic and onions sautéing grew in strength.

“So what are you cooking?” Kankri asked.

“Well, I saw how much you liked it when Pops made those stuffed Portobello mushrooms, though I thought I would give it a shot myself!”

Kankri’s stomach rumbled loud enough for the both of them to hear.

“See you brought your appetite.” Cronus joked.

“Sorry, I, uh, missed lunch today.”

“Shit chief, you’re having a rough day of it. Well there’s some food in the fridge. You can totally help yourself.”

Kankri nodded, not wanting to ruin his appetite but also unsure how much he could make it without something—anything in his stomach. He opened the fridge and spotted a sliced lunch meat, a package of Kraft American cheese, a jar of olives, and jar of relish, a tray of brownies missing a few pieces, and a large pizza box. ‘ _Lunch meats out, and he’s probably saving the cheese for sandwiches…’_ He opened the pizza box and saw it was covered in pepperoni and sausage.

He asked, “You have any fruit or granola bars or anything?”

“Nah, sorry.”

Kankri turned back. ‘ _I guess if I just have one brownie I won’t ruin my appetite._ ’ He reached out and snagged one. Truth be told, in this moment, it looked like the most magnificent thing he had ever seen. He shoved a huge bite into his maw, but immediately regretted this decision. ‘ _Ugh, this tastes awful._ ’ He chewed it, trying to hold his breath and swallow it down. His belly rumbled, quickly starting to digest the nutrients. The second bite didn’t go down much easier. ‘ _This doesn’t bode well for dinner,’_ he thought. One last bite polished off the remains. He closed the fridge and turned back to Cronus.

“How was your move in?” he asked, wiping crumbs from his mouth.

Not taking his eyes off the pan, Cronus responded, “Pretty easy I guess. Dad seemed set on coming up with me to help even though I said I could do it alone no problem. Then, of course, when he got here, he didn’t do shit.”

A pang of guilt shot over him. Kankri cleared his throat, “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh well. Oh, did I tell you I signed up for one of those sociology classes you were telling me about?”

Kankri raised an eyebrow, “No…”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s just the intro class, but still.”

“That’s terrific, I hope you enjoy the class. I mean, it may not be your thing, but I think it’s great you are giving it a shot.”

Cronus reached over to a cabinet, pulled out a box of toothpicks, and popped one in his mouth.

As he watched the man roll the toothpick back and forth between his lips, Kankri realized the scene was missing its usual ashtray aroma. “You not smoking?”

Cronus pulled up his shirt to reveal a small rectangle on his side. “Nope. Got myself on the patch.”

“Oh, Cronus! That’s wonderful! Good for you!”

“Yeah, well. I kept thinking about what we were talking about on the beach with my Mom. You know, how like, she keeps wanting me to be something I’m not you know? Like, there’s this imaginary me that she’s always interacting with? And I started thinking like, what if it’s just not people that works with? Like, I mean, okay, maybe this sounds stupid, but what if when I smoke what I really want is the idea of a cigarette and not, you know, actually a cigarette? Like, I feel kind of gross after I smoke more than a half-pack, but I still want crave more. So maybe what I actually want is the idea of cigarette and not an actual one. Does that make any sense?”

Kankri scratched his head. “Kind of?”

“Plus, I dunno, like, smokin’s cool and all, but like, 1950’s cool. Not 2010’s cool. And you gotta be 2010’s cool to pick up folks in the 2010’s. Unless you’ve got a time-machine.”

Kankri nodded again, though he felt fairly confused by this logic. “Well, I think that’s really great Cronus. I’m proud of you.”

“Geez chief. I mean, I’m just quitting a bad habit.”

“Don’t undersell yourself though. You deserve a lot of credit. Taking a firm stance on this and sticking with your decision is important. It takes a lot of hard work and effort. And you are greatly improving your life chances by quitting now. And tobacco companies are some of the most immoral companies on earth. Did you know that they have been targeting LBGT persons for years because of their disposable income, and—“

Cronus interrupted. “I get it, I get it. Smoking is evil. Hooray not-evil Cronus.”

Kankri frowned. “I didn’t mean to imply you are evil.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “I’m exaggerating chief. We really need to work on this whole, ‘not taking everything literally’ thing. So anyways, what’s new with you?”

‘ _Well your father managed to almost get his whole fist inside me._ ’ “Oh, uh, not too much. You know, just the usual RA stuff. Getting the newbies all settled in. Haven’t had to break up any parties yet.”

“Ah, well, I’m sure your moment to shine will come soon.”

The pain in Kankri’s legs and chest was starting to evaporate, and he found he could move around a bit more easily. “I’m looking forward to classes starting.”

“Color me shocked. Hey, favor to ask chief: if I get stuck in this sociology class, could I contact you for some help?”

Kankri smiled, the corners of his mouth feeling like they were being drawn up by angels. “Of course. I’ll be happy to be your study-buddy.”

“Okay, can we… not call it that?”

“Well, what do you want to call it?”

“Aw hell, I dunno. Just... not that.”

Kankri looked around the room, feeling suddenly thirsty. He walked over to the cabinets, grabbed a plastic cup, and turned on the sink faucet. The water hitting the basin seemed to roar in his ears, like a waterfall. He stared at the water swirling down the drain, engrossed. He slowly turned his head and said, “Your sink is amazing.”

Cronus looked over at Kankri. “What are you talking about?”

“Like, the water. Sounds…” Kankri paused, finding that he could not longer recall the word he was looking for. “Big.”

Cronus made a face. “Big?”

“Like…” Kankri swung his hands out in front of him and the world around him played back at half-speed. “Whoa. I feel kind of...” and then stopped mid-sentence, losing track of the thread in his brain.

“Chief, you okay? You’re kinda freaking me out here.”

“I uh…” He swayed. “Words. Words are… weird. Like, the word ‘word.’ It implicitly contains all of the other words.”

Cronus’s eyes widened.  “ _Shit_.” He walked over to the fridge and looked in, then looked back to Kankri. “Did you eat a brownie out of that tray?”

Kankri’s heart sank. “Oh… I’m so sorry Cronus. I didn’t mean to steal your dessert.” A flood of regret washed over him, wetness welling at the corner of his eyes. “Please don’t be mad. I’m so sorry. I was just so hungry. Please don’t be mad.” He paused, then asked, “Were they for a birthday party?”

Cronus gave a nervous chuckle. “Umm, chief. Have you ever been high before?”

“What?” Kankri asked, uncomprehending.

“Those brownies have pot in them.”

“Why would you put pot in a brownie, that’s silly.” He swallowed, then looked back down at the cup in his hand. “Oh, my water.”

Cronus inhaled slowly. “O-kay… um. I am going to take that as a no. Hey, you know, I think it might be a good idea if maybe we sit down on the couch for a bit?””

Kankri’s head lolled back and forth. He felt suddenly aware of his entire body and the electric buzz growing inside him. Every limb seemed to have its own story to tell him. ‘ _But_ _they work together like a unit despite their individual personalities. The body is a community with itself, divisible but exuding emergent effects_.’ Then, excited, he blurted out, “I is an imaginary concept that comes from higher order exogenous biological processes!”

Cronus stared at him, wide-eyed. “Yeah…. Sure is.”

Kankri nodded and let himself be guided to the beaten up orange sofa. Sitting down on it felt like falling into quicksand. Kankri felt that maybe it was okay to be swallowed by the couch. They don’t even have teeth.

Cronus looked somewhat worriedly at his friend. “So, I’m going to turn on the TV so that we have something nice to watch?”

Kankri gave no response. The feeling of electricity in his body now consumed all of his attention. “Hng..” he murmured.

“Are you cold?” Cronus asked.

Kankri turned his head. “Huh?”

“You are rubbing your arms.”

Kankri looked down. ‘ _Arms can hold arms and create an ouroboros of holding._ ’

Cronus reached to the side of the sofa and pulled out a fleece blanket. Gingerly, he tucked it around Kankri. “Okay, I need to go put things in the oven real quick, but I’m going to turn the TV on.” Cronus flicked open Netflix and pulled up the Planet Earth documentaries. “Now, um, just sit back, relax, and I’ll be right in the kitchen if you need anything okay?”

Kankri stared slack jawed at the television. Thinking had become more difficult. Like driving through a haze with no headlights. Then, he was on a boat. No… underwater. Swimming with the seahorses. They were so nice to come and visit him. The water felt… warm. Soft and cozy. He swam against it, but it felt strange, not moving like water usually did. His heart began to race. ‘ _Why is my heart beating so fast, am I drowning?_ ’ He moved his arms to swim to the surface, but found he couldn’t stretch his arms. He cried out in fear.

Cronus ran back in the room to find Kankri struggling, trapped in the blanket. He helped extricate Kankri and retucked the blanket over Kankri’s legs. “Hey, hey. You’re good. You’re good buddy. I brought you a soda to sip on, okay? The sugar will help you come down a little. And dinner’s almost ready. You’ll feel a little better once you’ve got some food in you.”

Kankri took the can of soda and held it like it was a museum piece. “Oh… is that for me?”

“Yeah… just, sip on that for a little while.”

‘ _He’s… he’s so nice. And I’m… I’m wrecking his family._ ’ A terrible sadness swelled inside him. He looked into the opening of the can, then back at Cronus. “You’re… really nice.”

“I’m sure you’d do the same for me.”

Tears welled at the corner of Kankri’s eyes. “I’m… I’m sorry I’m a monster.”

Cronus blinked, “Chief, you’re not a monster. Good god. It’ll be okay. You’re just a little stoned. Just… take a sip of your soda and you’ll feel better.”

‘ _He’s so gentle._ ’ Kankri sniffled and rubbed his nose, then remembered the can in his hand. The bubbles felt strange in his mouth, but the liquid tasted like the nectar of the gods. He took a gulp, having to try to remember how to swallow. He was pretty sure he got it right. Then there was a pressure in his esophagus, and when he opened his mouth, he let a thunderous belch.  He blinked, surprising himself with the way the noise reverberated in the room.

Cronus laughed. “I didn’t know you were capable of burping. I’ve never heard you do it before.”

Kankri ignored him, engrossed in rolling his head from side to side, enjoying the feeling of stretching his neck. He took another sip of the soda. Then, some part of him began to chime. ‘ _It can’t actually taste this good. Cronus is poisoning you because he knows._ ’ Cold rushed over him. His mouth drew up in horror as he looked at Cronus. “You… you aren’t trying to kill me are you?”

Cronus put his face in his hand. “No chief. I’m not trying to kill you.”

Kankri stuck his nose over the can’s opening and gave it a sniff, then tentatively took another sip. “It tastes weird.”

“It’s just regular Coke. But your taste buds kinda get a little funky when you’re blazed.”

He put the soda down on the table and then rubbed his legs through the blanket. Everything felt so soft and rubbing his thighs felt good. Like he was doing something kind for his legs. His legs that worked so very hard for him. He should really treat them better, treat them like a valued friend. Kankri blinked, his eyes starting to feel heavy. “Am I… am I going to be in trouble?”

“Chief. You’ll be A-OK. I promise.”

And in that moment, it felt like Cronus was giving him the world. ‘ _Is this what he feels like all the time?_ ’ Kankri wondered. But his thoughts seemed to getting further and further away as the couch seemed to get more and more comfortable.

“You uh, you’re kinda looking a little sleepy there. You want me to get you a pillow?”

Kankri found he couldn’t seem to call up the words for the thing he meant to say. But it didn’t feel important. The only thing that seemed to matter was the warm sensation he felt as put his head against the arm of the sofa. His vision narrowed and narrowed, until it was darkness. There, he could see his brain still turning, but nothing was moving through the gears. And then, just for a second, he felt a moment of zen-like clarity. ‘ _The wheels of worry always turn. I just find things to push through them._ ’

\------

‘ _This isn’t my bed,’_ he thought, still half dreaming. Kankri groaned as he sat up, rubbing a crick in his neck. His eyes felt swollen and itchy. He looked around and noticed the TV. ‘ _I don’t have a TV._ ’ Then he spotted Cronus sitting at the opposite end of the couch.

“Well look who’s awake. You were snorin’ something solid there for a bit chief. How you feelin?”

‘ _I’m at Cronus’s. Why did I take a nap here?_ ’ A blurry memory of eating the brownie came to mind. Realization. ‘ _Oh god. I’m a drug user._ _Oh god, oh god._ ’ He looked around the room, panicked by the fact he couldn’t clearly recall everything that had happened. “What time is it?”

“Quarter past ten.”

“I’ve been asleep three hours?” He paused, trying to recall the evening, “Shit! Dinner!”

“No worries chief. I stuck it in the fridge once you started snoring.”

‘ _For me. He was doing that for me._ ’ “Oh Cronus, I’m... sorry.”

“It’s no problem. Hell, I should probably be apologizing to you. I didn’t meant to send you into low earth orbit.”

Short intercuts of the moments before he fell asleep played back in his head. “And… you brought a blanket and a soda…” And then it struck him. “Um… you really shouldn’t have pot in a campus building.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “You’re not really going to pull that on me are you?”

Kankri swallowed. “No… no I guess not.”

“I’d like to remind you that I still outrank you.”

‘ _The car._ ’ Kankri waved his hand. “Ugh, my head still really like… spacey. How do you actually manage to hold a conversation when you’re uh… like that?”

Cronus shrugged. “I dunno. I’m a little more used to it than you. But, I mean I guess it kind of makes it easier for me? Like, I don’t think about… you know… stuff…as much.”

Kankri nodded. “Yeah, uh, I didn’t really notice my knees as much.”

“Geez, thanks for comparing your skinned knees to my trans-body.”

Kankri flushed bright red. “OH MY GOD. I’M SO SORRY. I DIDN’T MEAN—“

Cronus snerked. “Oh jeez chief. You’re too fucking easy.”

Kankri threw a pillow at Cronus. “THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”

“Bullshit. It’s pretty fuckin’ funny.”

Kankri glowered at Cronus. But as he did so, his stomach let out a tremendous gurgle that caused them both to laugh.

“Want me to reheat dinner?” Cronus asked.

Kankri smiled, “Yeah, I think that would be nice.”

\------

Kankri spooned scoop after scoop of the concoction into his mouth as Cronus watched with some bemusement.

“Damn chief. I’ve never seen you put it away like that. Must really like it.”

Kankri, usually one for manners at all times, managed to mumble between bites, “It’th really gooth.”

Cronus nodded and took another bite as well. Chewing, he remarked, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not bad. But like, some meat would probably make it ten times better.”

For some reason, this brought Kankri back to Dualscar’s comment the other night, about how he needed to put on muscle. Kankri swallowed. “Hey, uh, I don’t, like, want to bring up anything too weird, but your Dad’s behavior…” He paused, then quickly added, “at the beach.”

“Oh, that again. Look, he was just blowin’ off some steam.”

‘ _Blowing off some stream? That’s exactly what he said when--_ ’ “But… I mean—“

Cronus interrupted, “You’ve got a shitheel brother too right? I’m sure he’s always doing things that piss off your Dad.”

“Uh, my Dad’s kind of… different.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Sure he is.” He paused, then asked, “What’s this really about chief. You aren’t... worried about me are you? I mean, he’s always been chill with me. I swear.”

“Yeah, no, I, uh....” ‘ _Do you know he asked me if he was better than you in bed?_ ’ “Of course.”

Cronus took the lead, deciding to change the topic of conversation. “So, uh, got any hot dudes on your floor this semester?”

Kankri nearly choked on his bite. “Pardon?”

“I mean, I’m just sayin, if you wanna help a guy out, you know, maybe introduce me.”

A vision of Tav walking down the hallway popped into his mind. “Uh, I think that would be a little bit of an abuse of my position?”

“Aww, chief. It’s not like I’m asking you to make them go out on a date with me. You just say, ‘Oh hey, this is my friend Cronus, did you know that he rescues orphaned puppies over the summer? Oh he’s also an excellent cook and single! Well, I’ll leave you two to get to know each other a bit more, bye!’”

“You don’t rescue puppies.”

“I know! I would have to clarify that after you left. But it’s a good hook, don’t you think?”

Kankri rolled his eyes.

“So uh, not to get too personal or anything, but what about you? Are you um… trying to see someone this year?”

‘ _Is he… trying to ask me out?_ ’ “Umm, well… it’s. It’s kind of complicated?” ‘ _Oh god, how do I even try to answer that…_ ’ “Uh, I mean…”

“Wait, oh my god chief, are you _seeing someone?_ ”

Sirens went off inside Kankri’s skull. ‘ _Abort. Abort._ ’ “I… uh…”

“Kankri you sly dog, is that why you kept rebuffin’ my offers of uh… meditation? I mean, I figured something was up if you were resisting the ol’ Ampora charm, but I mean, if you’d just said something…”

Kankri felt like a deer in the headlights. ‘ _Oh. Oh god._ ’ “Uh, something like that.”

Cronus cackled with glee.“Your face right now. You are like, tomato red. It’s pretty adorable, I’m not gonna lie.”

Kankri wiped his hand against his forehead. Sweat. “Yeah, well. I don’t like… talking about this stuff…” He swallowed. “And… it’s over now.”

Cronus frowned, “Oh damn dude. I’m sorry to hear that. Well, what happened?”

Kankri cleared his throat. “Oh… you know…”

“You made it weird, didn’t you?”

Kankri frowned. “I didn’t make it weird.”

“I mean, like, no offense chief, but that’s kind of your jam.”

Kankri sighed, resigned to his fate. “Okay. I made it weird. Maybe we could talk about something else?”

Cronus tapped his fork on the side of his plate, seeming in deep contemplation of the request. Then he asked, “So what actor do you think has the biggest dick? My money’s on Chris Hemsworth.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

The first week back rushed by, filled with awkward classroom icebreakers, course syllabi, and dumbstruck freshman asking where buildings were. By the start of the second week, Kankri felt like he was home again.

It was strange how what ‘home’ meant had changed in his life. Once, it was a physical place where he had grown up, where his parents had lived. Now, home was more a series of routines and practices.

As he sat eating what passed for a garden burger in the dining hall, Kankri’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

> **Cronus: “hey chief, you doing anything Thursday night?”**
> 
> **Kankri: “No plans right now. Why? What’s up?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “cool cool. I’ve got my first quiz on Friday morning in intro to soc. Any chance you’d help me cram for it?”**

‘ _It’s a quiz in the second week of class. They can’t have actually covered that much material yet. How hard could this actually be?_ ’

> **Kankri: “Sure, but if I remember right the first few quizzes aren’t anything you should really have to worry about.”**
> 
> **Kankri: “Usually they are just checking to make sure you’ve been paying attention in class.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “oh yeah, but, you know how it is.”**
> 
> **Kankri: “?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “the first week of class is always a joke.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “soooooo I kinda just skipped it? and now this morning in class they’re talking about all this stuff.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “and i’m kinda like, uh what?”**

Kankri let out a pained sigh.

> **Kankri: “You are skipping classes?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “aw, come on dude. I’m not lookin’ for a lecture. just a little help. I’ll totally make it worth your while.”**

‘ _I hope that’s not a euphemism.’_

> **Kanki: “You could make it worth my while by going to class this week.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “ouch. well, I’m workin’ on that part. but maybe I could bring dinner if you help me out?”**

‘ _A home cooked meal would be nice…_ ’

> **Kankri: “That’s nice of you to offer.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “i’ll make you something special i promise.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “i promise it will not be brownies.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “it’ll be great tho, you’ll see!”**
> 
> **Kankri: “Well, okay. It’s a deal. Thanks!”**
> 
> **Cronus: “it’s the least I can do chief.”**

He had a strong impulse to say ‘ _The least you could do would be to go to your classes,’_ but decided on keeping that comment to himself.   

> **Kankri: “Okay. Want to say 7 then?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “works for me. See you then!”**

Turning back to his lunch, he thought ‘ _I am going to need to have a serious heart-to-heart with him about the long-term implications of his fleeting commitment to education._ ’

\------

Kankri had a bounce in his step coming out of class Monday evening. There had been a good discussion about the readings, and it seemed like the other students were actually engaged. It hadn’t been a _challenging_ conversation per se, but it was the start of the semester and those would take time. But still, today’s discourse gave Kankri a glimmer of hope that future exchanges might be worth his time.

As he walked back to his dorm, he felt a buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and swiped on the home screen.

> **172-045-0091: “Hey. :)”**

His legs stopped moving. His eyes narrowed, the message stinging his retinas.

It wasn’t the nerve of the man to message him that bothered him. It was that stupid smiley face. Those two characters now felt grotesque. The analytic part of his brain clicked into gear. ‘ _He’s corrupting the signifier/signified relationship in order to create a false sense of friendship. He knows that I know that ‘:)’ has a dual meaning because of our previous history and he is using that ambiguity to try to be charming._ ’

Heat. Heat was all around him.

‘ _I need to just not respond. Continued engagement with him is only going to reinforce his problematic behavior. I am stopping this now. This isn’t healthy.’_ He closed hit the home screen to lock the phone and put it back in his pocket.

Message out of sight, Kankri found he could move his legs again. He could breathe again. ‘ _Good. That was good. You are doing the right thing,’_ he assured himself.

\------

When his alarm went off Tuesday morning, Kankri grumbled and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. His body still wasn’t quite up to running again, but he didn’t want to fall out of the habit of getting up at a reasonable hour.

He looked over at his phone as saw there were five missed messages. All sent around two in the morning.

> **172-045-0091: “You around? I’m bored.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Hello?”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “Guess you are studying. Your loss :)”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: “I’m sending you a thing.”**
> 
> **172-045-0091: [img_08311.jpg]**

As he scrolled over the image, Kankri’s toes curled. He was suddenly astutely aware of his own body, of how it was responding to the image.

‘ _No. No no no. I am not going to allow myself to indulge in the idolization of his body. Just because I have a response to that image doesn’t mean that I have to do anything about it._ ’

He clicked the phone off and threw it on his bed.

‘ _Screw it, I’m going out._ ’

\------

He ran harder than he had expected to. The first mile had been somewhat painful, but by the time he was starting on the second, the twinges in his legs had subsided. He hardly noticed when the scabs on his knees split open, causing small streams of bright red blood to run down his shins.

The cold shower when he got back had stung, the endorphin rush of the run having subsided. But he found the pain gave him an interesting sensation to explore. And in it, he was starting to feel more in touch and in control of his body again.

His mind was another matter.

Throughout the day, Kankri found himself distracted in the middle of lectures. Lectures in classes he actually liked. It wasn’t that he would start _purposefully_ thinking about Dualscar, but oddly specific details just seemed to pop into his head at random moments. The way the scars on his torso had healed in slightly different hues. The sensation of the man’s rings against his skin. The way one particular vein on his temple stood out. His slightly crooked left front tooth.

Kankri tried to cut down each errant thought. But, like weeds, they kept finding some crack in the pavement to reach through. By the time dinner Tuesday came around, he found himself exhausted by the mental gymnastics.

The flickering visages of Dualscar still came Wednesday. But with his mind now refreshed by sleep, Kankri found he could better acknowledge the intrusive thoughts and then let them go, as if he were a transparent piece of glass through which they could pass through.

\-----

A knock came at the door Wednesday night. Stirring from the depths of a strange dream, Kankri rubbed his eyes and looked over at the clock on his bedside desk. It was 11. He’d only been asleep for an hour.

“Just a second” he called, groggy. He stumbled out of bed and made it to the light switch. His pupils were still adjusting as he answered the door.

It was Tavros.

His speech was quick, words piling up to get out of his mouth, “Hi, uh, yeah, so, uh, my room-mate he, uh, I think might be having some, uh, problems?” his voice inflecting upwords.

Since move-in, Kankri had only limited interactions with Tav’s room-mate, Gamzee. He’d seen him a few times in the hallway, a skinny kid with a rat's nest of hair, usually sporting a black shirt with the name of some band that Kankri had never heard of. Looked like the sort that listened to a lot of heavy metal in high-school and probably couldn’t hear all that well anymore.

“What’s up with him?” Kankri asked.

“Uh, well, I think he must not be feeling too good?”

“Is he sick?”

Tavros paused, looking squirrely. “I don’t… I don’t want to get him in trouble.”

Kankri sighed. This routine he knew. “Did he pass out?”

Tav nodded.

“From drinking?”

Tav turned his head away and fidgeted.

Kankri let out a long sigh. “Alright, let’s go take a look.”

Tav followed along down the hall as Kankri asked, “Was he breathing okay when you left?”

“Uh, I think so? I’m not really sure.”

When Kankri opened the door, a thick wave of acrid air blew out. He recoiled for a moment, nose wrinkling in disgust, then pulled his shirt up over his face and proceeded to the far bed. Tavros hung back in the doorway, watching with some trepidation.

Kankri nearly tripped over a half filled two-liter of red liquid marked “Faygo” when he came around the side of the bed. There, on the ground next to his head was a waste bucket filled with an empty glass liquor bottle and sickness. ‘ _And there we have our culprit…_ ’ He turned and surveyed the skinny mess of flesh and bone lying on the bed, its chest rising and falling slowly. Kankri looked at his watched and counted aloud, “One… two… three… four…” By the time he made it to a minute, Kankri had tallied 14 breaths.

He put his hand on Gamzee’s cheek. It was warm. He shook the man by the shoulder. Gamzee’s eyelids opened narrowly. They were bloodshot, glassy.

“Heeeeeey, what’sssss up motherslucker?” The man slurred. His breath reeked.

Before Kankri could respond, the man closed his eyes again and was out.

Kankri sighed and turned back to Tav. “Has he thrown up while asleep?”

“No, he, uh, came to when he did that. I brought him the trash-can. Just so, you know, he didn’t do it on the floor.”

Kankri put his hands on his hips. “Well, he’s got acute alcohol poisoning. But he’s responsive, so I don’t think we need to call an ambulance. I’m gonna put him in the recovery position just in case. Could you help me move him?”

Tavros came over and helped roll Gamzee onto his side. Kankri reached down and maneuvered Gamzee’s arm so that it was under his head, then shifted him so his mouth was facing downward.

“Why are you putting him like that?” Tav asked.

“Its so if he throws up while unconscious that nothing blocks his airway. But if he’s coming too when I shake him, he’ll be fine. Probably going to be in for a rough day tomorrow though. Particularly when I write him up for a behavioral violation.”

Tav frowned. “I didn’t want to get him in trouble.”

Kankri looked up, surprised. “Look, you did the right thing coming to me, but he can’t do this. I mean, you two have to share the room and it’s unfair to you. Plus it's against the rules”

“Yeah, but, couldn’t you just, I dunno, give him a warning or something?” Tav smiled that big, dumb, gee-shucks smile. Kankri felt something in his heart melt. Just a little.

“I…. guess I could talk to him about his behavior.”

Tav nodded, “Thanks. Thanks so much.”

Kankri raised an eyebrow, “I mean, why do you care anyways? It’s really a jerk move on his part.”

Tav shrugged. “I dunno, I thought we were supposed to look out for our roommates? Like, building a community, isn’t that what you said at our floor meeting?”

Kankri’s frown was covered by the shirt. ‘ _I did say that, but I didn’t mean like this._ ’ “Do you think he’s looking out for you?”

“I… don’t know. But I hope he would.” Tav paused, then added, “Oh, um, so what can I do about the smell?”

\------

Kankri perched in his chair, sipping from a large mug of Chamomile tea. It was a clear, cloudless afternoon, bright and sunny. A gentle breeze came in through the open window, along with the sounds of students playing music in other dorm rooms. He preferred to do his course readings in silence, but there was something about the buzz of people early in the semester that felt good.

His phone spun on the desk.

> **Cronus: “hey chief, we still on for tonight?”**

‘ _That’s right. I need to dig up my old intro to sociology notebook._ ’

> **Kankri: “Sure. 7 right?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “yep. i’m bringing a lasagna.”**

‘ _Oh, that’s something I’ve not had in awhile.’_ Kankri started to type a smiley face in response, but the second he had punched the symbol the uncomfortable connotations it brought with it to mind.

**Kankri: “Cool.”**

He put his phone down and resumed the spot in his reading. A minute later, his phone buzzed again.

‘ _I should remind him to bring something to serve it with,_ ’ he thought as he picked up the phone.

When he tapped the home screen, he froze.

> **172-045-0091: “U there?”**

His whole body tensed. Then, the executive function of his brain kicked in and sent signals to relax, there would be no need for a flight or fight response. He re-read the text, considering. ‘ _Do I tell him to just stop texting me, that it’s over? You’d think he would take a hint.’_ But there was some part of Kankri that feared if he even tried to talk Dualscar, even if it was to say no, stop calling me, I don’t want to see you ever again, that there was a chance that he might let himself be talked into something. Something that he might again regret. _‘No… I need to just not respond. He will figure it out._ ’

A minute went by and the phone buzzed again.

> **172-045-0091: “Gotta admit, you are doing the hard to get thing pretty well.”**

‘ _I need to just block him. How do I do that?_ ’

> **172-045-0091: “[img_08314.jpg]”**

Kankri choked on his spit. The image was familiar scene. Dualscar, sitting by the pool, a cigar in the ashtray, a drink right next to it. Except there were no swim trunks. All of him was shiny and glistening in the sunlight.

The blood drained out of Kankri’s face as he fumbled, trying to figure out how to block a number.

> **172-045-0091: “Don’t make me beg now.”**

There. There, buried in the contact setting. Block caller. He hit the button.

He exhaled for what seemed like forever, not quite realizing he’d been holding his breath. He turned back to his reading but found he was too jostled to concentrate. Instead, he decided on a walk to the library.

\------

He had managed to find a few additional books at the library that might not be of direct relevance to tonight’s study session, but would hopefully could entice Cronus to stick with the class. One was on sociological approaches to studying masculinity. Another (he couldn’t believe his luck) was on subcultures and had chapter specifically devoted to greasers. The books were too pedestrian for Kankri’s tastes, but still, anything that might be able to get Cronus to see the value of the subject would be worthwhile.

He was still going through his own old notepads, pulling out the handwritten notes from the “Introduction to Sociology” course he had taken a lifetime ago when the knock came at the door. He put the folder on the desk, remarking as he opened the door, “You must be excited to get going, it’s only 6:30.”

“You’re a hard person to get a hold of.” The gravely voice remarked as the door swung open.

It felt like being at the top of a rollercoaster, weightless, the second before the bottom drops out. “What are you _doing here_?” Kankri asked, incredulous.

Dualscar pushed past Kankri and into the room. Kankri smelled a bitter mix of cigar smoke and alcohol on him.

“Didn’t you get my text? I told you I was coming over. I thought you might feel like doing some modeling for me tonight.”

Kankri blinked in sheer astonishment. “You CANNOT be here. You need to leave, _right now._ ”

Dualscar ignored him, walking over to the mini-kitchenette. He took a small bottle of brown liquid out of his pocket and began going through drawers. “Got a cup somewhere?”

“No--What? What do you think you are doing? This is massively inappropriate.”

Dualscar pouted as he took the lid off the pint bottle, and took a sip. “Oh don’t be like that. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Kankri stared at him, slack-jawed. “Are you drunk?”

Dualscar rolled his eyes. “You sound like my ex. It’s not a good look on you.”

“Did you _drive here drunk?!?_ ”

“Oh my god, are you on the rag? I can handle myself just fine.” He took another sip from the container and walked towards Kankri. “Mmm… now are you going to take those clothes off or do you need me to help you?”

Pure fury spewed from Kankri, “ **You. Need. To. Leave. Now.** ”

Dualscar reached a hand out to caress Kankri’s cheek, but Kankri stepped back against the wall.

\-- _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_ \--

Dualscar and Kankri both froze.

\-- _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_ \--

Horror ran through Kankri’s veins. ‘ ** _Fuck._** **_No no no no no_** _._ ’ He put up his hands, as if pleading with Dualscar. Then put his fingers over his lips trying to signal him to be quiet. ‘ _Maybe… he will just go away if I don’t answer._ ’

The knock came a third time. “Hey chief, you in there?”

Dualscar’s mouth curled up in a wry smile. “Well look at this. And here you told me you two weren’t seeing each other.”

Panic. Sheer panic gripped Kankri’s mind. He whispered in a low voice, “Shhhhshhhh. Shut-up, shut-up.” His mind raced, searching for a path forward. “Okay, I’m going to tell him to go away.”

Dualscar gave a half-hearted shrug and took a sip from his bottle.

His hand shaking, barely able to clutch the doorknob, Kankri opened the door just a crack, barely wide enough to peer through. Cronus stood in the hallway holding a tray of lasagna.

“Uh, hey. Um… I’m.. I’m not feeling so good.”

“Aw, shit. I’m sorry chief, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I um…” He swallowed. “Came down with it suddenly.”

“Fuck dude, that sucks. Well. I mean. I could still really use your help.”

“No.. no… I’m sorry, I think I need to cancel.”

Cronus made a frustrated face. “Ah, jeez. Well. Okay I guess. Do you still want this lasagna? I can just… you know.. pick up the pan whenever I guess?”

A noise came from behind Kankri. Instinctively, Kankri turned around and saw Dualscar going through his underwear drawer, tossing articles of clothing onto the floor.

“Chief… I didn’t, uh… do you have someone over?”

Kankri swallowed. “Uhhhh……”

“You could've just told me.”

And then the gravelly voice spoke loud enough for both to hear. “Do you have any ice anywhere? God, I swear this is worse than a cargo boat.”

Cronus’s eyes widened.

‘ _Fuck._ ’

“Pops?” Cronus asked.

‘ _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck._ ’

Kankri instinctively tried to shut the door, but Cronus pushed back against it. “Pops, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Aww, hey there champ.” Dualscar said as he swung around.

Cronus pushed through the doorway. He looked at Kankri. The tone of his voice was suddenly flat. “What’s going on here?”

Kankri looked down at the floor. There were no words.

Cronus repeated the question. Louder this time, annunciating each syllable so it stood up straight, like a soldier. “ **What. Is. Going. On. Here.** ”

Dualscar shrugged. “Aww, come on Cronus. Don’t be like that. We can be adults about this.”

Cronus turned to Kankri. “Are you fucking serious with this? This isn’t a fucking funny. If this is some kind of weird joke you need to tell me right fucking now.”

Kankri blew out a long, long breath. Tears of shame welled in the corner of his eyes.

Cronus turned back to his Dad. “You fucking son of a bitch.”

Dualscar put his hands up defensively. “Hey, hey now. I can’t be held responsible for the fact your friend here has a daddy thing.”

Cronus spun back around to Kankri. “ _How long?_ ”

Kankri stood silent.

“ _HOW FUCKING LONG KANKRI?_ ”

Dualscar interjected, “Jesus, calm your tits.”

Cronus threw the pan of lasagna down, the Pyrex pan smashing to a million pieces on the floor, sending noodles and red splotches careening across the ground. He turned back to his Dad, screaming now. “ **YOU.** I HAVE COVERED FOR YOUR ASS _SO MANY TIMES._ AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO?”

Dualscar, somehow cool and collected took another sip from his bottle. “You need to get a grip you little shit. You wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me. What are you going to do? Go back to living with Mommy?”

Kankri wasn’t sure how it happened, but, there was a thud and, suddenly, Dualscar was on the ground. Cronus was on top of him throwing wild haymaker punches, screaming a guttural animal rage as he smashed his fists into Dualscar’s side.

His voice. Where was his voice. It was like some dream. Kankri was paralyzed, unable to react as he watched the two struggle.

Dualscar managed to land a blow to Cronus’s chest, sending him sprawling back. They both scrambled to their knees, but Cronus was a hair quicker and launched himself forward with another strike that connected right and true with Dualscar’s nose. Blood poured out of Dualscar’s face as the both wrestled on the ground.

The sight of blood changed something. Kankri began screaming, “ _STOP. STOP. FUCKING STOP_.”

Then, there was another presence in the room. A large blur pulling Cronus off of Dualscar, wrapping him in a bear hug. It was Tavros. In a calm, steady voice, he repeated, “Whoa whoa whoa there. That’s it. It’s okay. We’re going for a walk.” He lifted Cronus clean off the ground and was carrying him out of the room as if he were a rag doll. Cronus didn’t struggle. Kankri only caught a glint of his Cronus’s red face, streaked with tears.

Dualscar sat up and wiped his lips, crimson blood smearing across his face. “Fucking sucker punched me.”

“ ** _GET OUT_ **.” Kankri screamed in the man’s scared face, putting his whole existence into his vocal cords.

The elder Ampora picked himself up off the ground slowly, as if trying to regain some semblance of dignity. He gave a cocky grin, the blood on his face glistening in the dorm room's fluorescent light. He got up in Kankri's face. “You are so common. You think all of your fucking book learning and self-righteous bullshit makes you special? Guess what. It doesn’t. You’re a dime-a-dozen repressed little fag.”   

Tears streaming down his cheek, Kankri pointed to the door and repeated. “ **OUT.** ”

As he limped towards the door, Dualscar stared Kankri down. In doing so, he missed stepping into the lasagna. He slipped, fell forward, and slammed face first into the wall, smearing blood across it. He picked himself up, and without turning around or acknowledging the indignity, walked out the door.

Kankri hugged his arms to his body. He sat down on the edge of the bed, put his face in his hands, and let out a strangled sob.

A minute later a voice called from the doorway. “Hey, um. Should I call the campus police?”

Kankri wiped his eyes. His vision was blurred but he recognized it as Tavros again. Deep down Kankri knew the answer was yes, that they should call the police. But he thought about how the fight might mean trouble for Cronus. He had thrown the first punch. In fact, most of the punches. “Uhh…” he sniffed. “No… um. Don’t do that.”

Tavros nodded, obviously jostled from the scene. “Do, uh… do you want some help cleaning up?”

Kankri wiped his snotty nose on his arm. “Yeah. Yeah, thank you.”

Tavros returned a minute later with a broom and a dustpan. “Um… like… we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to… but… what just happened?”

Kankri watched as Tav pushed the mounds of noodles, red marinara, and glass shards into the dustpan. “I fucked up.”

\------

Kankri barely slept that night. Instead, the evening’s events looped in his head again and again. He was stuck watching each time, passive and frozen, as if it were a horror movie and someone was holding his eyelids open.

Intermittent crying jags wracked his body. Finally, drained of life, he managed to fall asleep sometime near three in the morning.  

When the alarm came four hours later, he groaned miserably and sat up in bed. He looked around the room. The floor was still a bit shiny from where Tav had swept up the mess. Then, he spotted the blood smeared wall. Tav had missed that part entirely.

‘ _I need to say thank you to him later._ ’ Kankri thought. His mind’s eye replayed how Tavros had cleaned up the mess on the floor, had brought him a glass of water, and had sat next to him on the bed with his arm around his shoulder as Kankri sobbed. Tavros hadn’t asked any more questions, just sat there, present with Kankri.

As he looked, eyes unfocused and glassy, it struck him that he had no idea where Cronus had gone last night. No idea who he might have called on to comfort him.

‘ _How could I have done this to Cronus. I’m a monster._ ’

Kankri swaddled himself tight in the blanket.

\------

There was a knock on the door. Kankri groaned and rolled over in bed. It was two in the afternoon.

“Hey Kankri, you in there? It’s me Tav.”

He stumbled out of bed wrapped in the blanket. It felt it took all the energy in the world to simply answer the door.

“Hey, um, I’m gonna go grab some lunch at the dining hall. You want to come with?”

Kankri’s stomach growled. He realized he hadn’t eaten anything for dinner last night, missed breakfast this morning, and it was now lunch.

“I, uh, I haven’t showered.”

“Well... don’t worry about it. I’m sure half the other people there haven’t showered either.”

“Okay, um. Give me a minute?”

“Yeah, just come find me when you’re ready?”

\------

Tavros spooned a bit of ice-cream from his bowl. “I can’t believe they have a soft-serve ice cream machine in the dining hall. This is like, my dream come true.”

Kankri nodded absently.

“You haven’t really eaten much. You wanna bite? Or I can go get you one if you want.”

“No… no. Uh. Thank you.”

“Oh sure, I mean, it’s not a big deal. It’s just like, right over there.”

“No, I mean, thank you. For… intervening last night.”

“Oh.” He paused, awkwardly. “Of course.” He ate another bite of his melting dessert. “So, um. Those were friends of yours?”

Kankri sighed. “Kind of. One is. One is… someone I used to kind of see.” ‘ _Were we actually seeing each other?_ ’ “It’s… complicated.”

“Oh. Are they brothers? They looked kind of similar.”

“Uh, something like that.”

Tavros nodded slowly. “So uh. I take it that one wasn’t happy with the other and…” He paused, unsure if he should continue. “….it was about you?”

Kankri felt embarrassed. “Yeah.”

“So… Is it like. Uh, how can I word it. Did one not know the other is gay?”

“Oh no, it’s nothing like that.” ‘ _It’s actually much worse._ ’ “Umm… I was kind of seeing one brother behind the other brother’s back, uh, the one you dragged out of the room.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Kankri looked around the dining hall, absently watching the ebb and flow of people. The students putting their dirty trays on the conveyor belt. The students in line for hot foods. The students swiping their meal cards for the hall. It was as if the dining hall was a large organ and the students were blood cells piping through.

“I could see how that might be upsetting.”

‘ _That is an understatement._ ’ “Yeah… I… I really messed up.”

“Are you going to apologize?”

“Apologize?”

“Yeah, like, say you’re sorry? I mean… that is if you are.”

“...he’s never going to talk with me again.”

“You don’t know that.”

Kankri blinked. “I mean, would you?”

“Well, do still want to be friends with him?”

The thought hadn’t occurred to Kankri. “I mean. Yeah, but… would you talk with someone who did that to you?”

Tavros considered it. “Maybe? I don’t know. I would be pretty upset I think. But, I can tell you I sure wouldn’t ever speak to them again if they didn’t apologize. Or at least make some effort to indicate to me that they knew they were in the wrong.”

Kankri sighed. He knew Tavros was right, but it would be so much easier to not face Cronus, to not have to own up to his caddish behavior. “But won’t he hate me?”

“I can’t tell you that. I bet he will be pretty mad at you. But people screw up. It's what they do. No one’s perfect. Maybe he’ll forgive you, maybe he won’t. But you won’t find out unless you apologize.” He scooped up the last bit of his ice cream, now mostly a melted puddle in the bottom of the bowl and spooned it into his mouth.

“I don’t… I don’t want to be the bad guy.”

Tavros put his spoon down on the tray. “I don’t think the world works like that. I mean, you made a mistake. Okay. Does that automatically make you a bad guy? No. It makes you someone who made a mistake. But I do think ignoring it, or just hoping it somehow goes away is a choice, and, well, if you ask me, it’s not a good one.”

The thought struck him, clear as a bell, ‘ _He’s right. I have to own up to my mistake. I owe it to Cronus. Ignoring it is exactly what Dualscar would do._ ’  

\------

It was like knowing he was going to war to die. Back in his dorm room, Kankri paced back and forth, his jaw clenched tight. ‘ _What do I even say? Sorry banged your Dad? Sorry I have the self-control of a three year old?_ ’

Finally, he pulled out his cellphone. Tepidly, he tapped out.

> **Kankri: “Hey, uh, how’d the quiz go?”**

Phone in hand, Kankri stood silent, his existence erased. The only thing that was real in the world was the connection between his hand and his brain. But after five minutes, there was no response. Kankri sighed and put the phone down on his desk.

‘ _That was stupid. I don’t know what I was expecting._ ’

And then, there was buzz.

> **Cronus: “i missed the quiz.”**

Kankri sighed. ‘ _Of course he did. You fucked him up so badly with your shit last night that he’s a wreck. God, you are such an asshole Kankri._ ’

> **Kankri: “I feel terrible. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say to make it better, but I’m sorry.”**

Again. A long pause.

> **Cronus: “i’m at memorial hospital rn.”**

It was like he was caught in an avalanche. ‘ _Oh my God. I triggered him so badly he…_ ’ He shook his head, casting out the thought.

> **Kankri: “What?”**
> 
> **Cronus: “don’t really want to explain it over txt.”**
> 
> **Cronus: “look, gonna be straight w/ you chief. this is… awkward. i’m really fucking pissed with you and don’t want to talk.”**

Kankri swallowed. ‘ _That’s fair. That’s totally fair. And I deserve worse than that._ ’ But he had the feeling that he had to see Cronus now. He had to make it up to him somehow this second.

He pulled up Google Maps. Memorial Hospital was a half-hour away.  

\------

Kankri shut the door to the taxicab and stepped out in front of the hospital. The taxi was an expense that made a sizeable dent in his meager emergency savings fund, but this was an emergency, wasn’t it?

At the reception desk, he asked, “I’m looking for… Cronus Ampora?”

The older receptionist looked at the computer screen in front of him and then back to Kankri. “Hrm… there’s no C. Ampora listed in the system. Did you mean D. Ampora?”

‘ _What?_ ’ “Uhhh… yes. That’s who I meant, sorry.”

“He’s up in Room 1508. Visiting hours end at 6 just so you know.”

Kankri darted towards the elevator.

The hospital hallway was a serene cream color and smelled of disinfectant. Over the hallway, in big all-cap letters were the words, “RECOVERY WING.”

As Kankri made his way to 1508, he spotted a familiar figure sitting out front.

It was Cronus.

Cronus did a double-take when he saw Kankri coming down the hallway. “Oh Jegus chief. I can’t believe you.”

Kankri sucked wind, catching his breath. “What, what’s going on?”

Cronus rubbed his temple. “Pops... fell asleep at the wheel on his way home and hit a telephone poll.”

Silence.

“Is he...?”

“He broke an arm, his collarbone, and six ribs. And… uh... also his nose. Doc said if he wasn’t in such good shape, it would have been much worse.”

“I’m--”

Cronus interrupted. “He’s asleep in there right now. But go right in. He should have just put you down as his fucking emergency contact anyways.”

“I… ” Kankri swallowed. “I thought you were hurt.”

Cronus looked up. “Me?”

“You said you were at the hospital?”

“What would have happened to me?”

Kankri wasn’t sure he wanted to voice what he had thought. “I don’t know.”

Cronus stared at Kankri. “I guess… I guess its nice that you came because you thought I was hurt.”

Kankri blinked back the wetness in his eyes. “I’m… I’m really sorry. I… I fucked up really badly and I let it get out of hand, and I totally understand if you don’t want to talk to me or see me ever again, but I had to come down here to make sure you were okay and to tell you I’m sorry that I fucked things up so badly and that I hurt you.”

The air between them hung heavy.

Cronus looked down the hallway, then back to Kankri. “Did you… did you ever like me? Or… was it always him? I mean… were we even friends?”

“I do like you Cronus. I’m not… I don’t want to date you. But I really like you as a person. You’re… you’re a good person and…” He started blustering, “I think you’re kind of wonderful friend actually.”

Cronus sighed. “Jegus chief, stop with the waterworks would ya?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Kankri sniffed.

“Look. I… I don’t know what you came down here looking for. I can’t tell you it’s okay. It’s not. You… you really really fucking hurt me with this shit. I mean.” He paused and sighed. “Jegus man, you were fucking my dad.” He ran his hands through his hair. “That’s not… that’s not some normal shit. You know?”

“I know.”

Cronus knocked his hand against his thigh. “Look. I um… I know Dad’s… kind of fucked up. I mean. My whole family is fucked up.” He sighed. “Did he… did he start it or did you?”

Kankri thought back to the first time, seeing Dualscar in his bathrobe, his legs hanging open. “Uh. I mean… it was mutual. I guess.”

Cronus rubbed his face. “Look. Maybe… maybe we can work this out later? My Dad’s lawyer is showing up in a little bit and I need to be around for that.”

“Lawyer?”

“Dad… Dad was drunk when he fell asleep at the wheel. The cops are charging him with a DUI.” Quietly, Cronus added, “This is his third one in two years. Mom’s probably going to use it to try to get full custody of Danny.”

“They didn’t pull his license after the first two?” Kankri asked, incredulous.

“Well… they kind of did. Dad might be looking at some jail time.”

Horror dawned on Kankri’s face. “Oh… oh.”

“Yeah.. and I… I don’t know what to do..” Cronus’s face scrunched up. And suddenly, his body folded over in spasms. He was shaking, crying. “Jegus Kankri. I don’t know what the _fuck_ to do. I’m always cleaning up his shit. And I’m just so tired of it. I’m just so fucking tired of it. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how--” ”

Kankri leaned down and put an arm around Cronus the way Tavros had done from him. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“No… no it’s not. This isn’t like… this isn’t like other times. I can’t--”

“Hey. Hey Cronus. Look at me.”

Red eyes stared back into his own.

“This… this isn’t your problem to fix.”

“But… no, I _have_ to. I _have_ to. I can’t live with Mom. **I CAN’T**.” Cronus sucked in quick, shallow breath. He rocked back and forth, shaking.

‘ _Fuck, he’s having a panic attack._ ’ “Hey, hey. Cronus. Just. Hold my hand.” He reached out and grasped Cronus’s. “I want you to listen to my voice. Just… concentrate on my voice.”

Cronus nodded, trembling.

“I want you to take a slow deep breath in through your nose and count to four okay? We’ll do it together. Alright… One… Two… Three… Four…”

They both took a long slow breath in. Kankri continued, “And now hold it for four seconds… One… Two…. Three… Four… And now, exhale slowly the same way... “ He counted out four seconds, as they both exhaled slowly.

“Okay, that’s good. You’re good. Let’s do it one more time.”

One more time turned into a half-dozen more times before Cronus’s body relaxed and he slumped back in his seat.

They sat in silence.

‘ _I can’t believe this. I can’t believe how badly that man has fucked Cronus up._ ’ There was rage in his mind now. No longer directed at himself, but fixedly at Dualscar.

In a low whisper, Cronus mumbled, “He’s done this kind of thing before with my friends.”

Kankri blinked. “What?”

Cronus rubbed the nape of his neck. “It's never gotten this far before. I mean, he's... made passes at them before. There's a reason none of my friends ever want to come over."

Kankri’s heart skipped a bit. ‘ _Jesus. Jesus-fucking-christ. And I totally let myself think that this was all somehow okay.'_ “I don’t… I don’t know what to say.” And in that moment, Kankri realized that he was just a small little fly that came along and got stuck in a web.

Cronus continued, “It’s like, I can’t stop it. I can’t make him stop it. All I can do is just try to clean up after him and pretend that things are okay. And, I’m just scared of what will happen. I mean… he looks out for me sometimes. But, then he just keeps doing shit like this.”

Kankri’s mind raced. ‘ _Dualscar is pathological._ ’ Cautiously, Kankri suggested, “I don’t think he is looking out for you. I mean… I’m an adult. I fucked up by lying to you, and I am really, truly sorry for that. But he’s an adult too. It is **_not_ ** your responsibility to clean up his messes and fix his mistakes.”

Cronus wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “That’s easy for you to say.”

Kankri grimaced. “That’s… that’s fair. Look, this is… this really messed up. But…” He swallowed. “It’s abusive for him to shift the onus for this onto you.”

Cronus glared, “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?” He winced his eyes shut and sucked back his runny nose.

Kankri sat back in the chair, gazing blankly at the texture of the wall. ‘ _I… am so far out of my depth._ ’ He swallowed. “I’m… I’m sorry Cronus. I wish I could fix this for you. You deserve so much better than this.”

Cronus inhaled slowly and rubbed his eyes. He looked down at his watch. “The lawyer is going to be here any second. You should probably go.” He turned his face up to Kankri, their eyes locking. And there, a look of acknowledgement of shared horror passed between them. “I, um, appreciate you coming down here to check on me.”

Kankri mustered the closest thing he could find to a smile. “Yeah. I’m glad… you are alright.” ‘ _Whatever that means._ ’ He looked down at his shoes. “If you want… to talk. Or if you need help or anything…. maybe you can text me sometime?”

Cronus looked down the hallway. “Yeah… maybe sometime.”

\------

Despite the fact that Kankri had wanted to text him every day, the rational part of his brain told him that Cronus would reach out if he ever wanted to see him again. But then, out of the blue, two and a half weeks later Cronus sent a text asking Kankri if he wanted to come over for dinner. Apprehensively, Kankri agreed.

Now, standing in the doorway of Cronus’s apartment, he felt more nervous than if he were going on a date. He knocked on the door.

Cronus answer the door in an apron smeared in stains. “Hey.”

Kankri smiled nervously. “Hey.” They stood in awkward silence for a minute before Kankri continued. “It’s good to see you Cronus.”

Cronus smiled. “It’s nice to see you too. Why don’t you come on in.”

In the kitchen, Kankri sat at the barstool seat while Cronus fiddled with the oven.

“It smells really good in here.”

“I’m making eggplant parmesan and garlic bread.” Cronus beamed.

Kankri nodded, still a bit unsure of what he should be saying. “So, um. How’s your sociology class going?”

“Oh. That. I dropped it.”

Kankri frowned. “That’s too bad.”

Cronus shrugged. “Eh. It was boring. Plus, I got pretty far behind, so…” He paused, seeming to search for something to say, “How are your classes going?”

Kankri cleared his throat. “Uh… I um. Actually not that great. I got a B on my first test in one of my classes.”

“A ‘B’? That’s great! Nice job.”

“No, you don’t understand, I have a 4.0.”

“Ugh. Of course you do.”

“So… yeah. I gotta get my act in gear.”

Cronus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you got a lot of catching up to do to make up for a ‘B’. I’m pretty sure they put you on academic probation for those.”

Kankri pouted. “Okay, fair enough. But still.”

Dinner was filled with a lot of small talk. Talk about the ongoings with the inhabitants of Kankri’s floor. The party he had to break up the prior weekend. How someone had decided to shoot a fire extinguisher off in the hallway. How someone thought it would be funny to duct-tape a dildo to someone else’s room door. Cronus talked about the classes he was actually showing up for, and mentioned that while he dropped the sociology class, the history class he added in its place was actually kind of interesting. “It’s all about World War Two. But not like, the battles, more about the stuff that lead up to it and what was going on with the people. I mean, I think it’s giving me a better appreciation of some of that 1950’s stuff.”

Through it all, they managed to avoid the elephant in the room.

After the meal, Cronus stuck a toothpick in his mouth and chewed on it.

“How’s the not smoking thing going?”

“Oh.. not awful I guess. I kinda fucked up during… well… last week.” He paused for a moment, looking far off, then continued, “... but it turns out that smoking while you’re on the patch isn’t a really good idea and I kinda made myself sick. So, yeah. Back to just the patch now.”

Finally, Kankri asked,  “So uh… you can tell me it’s not any of my business, but.. what happened with your Dad?”

Cronus was silent for a long time. Long enough to that Kankri began to squirm in his seat and wonder if he crossed the line. Finally, Cronus answered. “Well, he had his court date. His lawyer managed to talk the judge down to five days in jail plus two hundred hours of community service.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. And Mom’s filed the paperwork for full custody. No surprise there.”

“Ah. And… how are you?”

Cronus sat back in his chair and ran his hands through his hair. “I guess…” He sighed. “I guess I’m okay.” He paused, then backtracked, “Well, no. That’s not true. I’m pretty fucking angry still to be honest. But… it’s not about you. I mean. Of course, it is about you in some ways. There’s just a lot of other shit there that goes way beyond you. I mean, years of this kind of stuff….” He swallowed. “But, I don’t think it would be good for you and I to talk about it.”

Kankri nodded. “Yeah. No, of course. Umm, sorry.”

“No I mean. Uh… I set up a meeting with a therapist to try to work through some of this. I think it’ll be healthier this way.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s… that’s really good Cronus.”

Cronus nodded. “Well. I’m…” He looked nervous. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about this.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I talked to one for a while too, mostly when I was younger. But I found it really helpful.” He paused, reflecting, “Truth be told, I should probably start seeing one again too.” His eyes scanned the kitchen table, the empty plates, the paper towels for napkins. His belly felt full and warm. A weary smile came across this face. “I’m... really glad you invited me over. I appreciate your kindness, despite how weird I made everything.”

Cronus nodded his head slowly. “Thanks chief… that means a lot.”

‘ _Chief. I never thought it would feel good to be called chief. Though I should probably talk to him about how its appropriating indigenous culture to use that term. But… maybe later._ ’

 

\--- END ---

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it!
> 
> incredible props to cryogenia for the beta on all of act 3. our discussions kept me motivated to finish this thing and i cannot thank them enough for all of the help they gave me talking through the plot. 
> 
> also, huge thank you to the folks who left me kudos and the kindest comments on this mess. it kept my motivation going when i wasn't 100% on how to get through it.


End file.
